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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate all 'Parenting Strategies'

317 replies

christmasmum · 17/03/2014 10:41

I probably ABU but I absolutely loathe parenting strategy books. Friends recommend them, I foolishly think 'maybe this one will be different' and give it a go.

They all seem to make you want to talk to your child like you're a robot. Does any parent actually say things like this example quote...

You (cheery): It's bath time!
Child: I don’t want a bath. I hate baths. Go away!
You (breathe): It sounds like you’re really mad. You look really frustrated. What’s bothering you most? Can you help me understand?
Child: It’s not fair. You’re always bossing me.
You: So if I’m hearing you right, you’d like to make more decisions for yourself. You feel like you’re ready for more responsibility. Is that right?
Child: Yes!
You: Well, I’m so glad you told me. I had no idea you were feeling babied. Let’s put our heads together and come up with a solution.

If I spoke to my DD/DS like this they'd look at me like I had two heads and STILL wouldn't get in the bath.

I get the techniques, fine. Listen, reflect, don't lose your temper and thrown them in the bath headfirst. But is it realistic? Does anyone actually manage to sound like this with their kids after a long day when you just need them to get in the bloody bath and go to bed so mummy can drink gin?

OP posts:
007licencetospill · 21/03/2014 06:51

Op, I don't talk like your conversation in your original post. However a bit of empathy goes far. I usually empathise and then work out when he can do/get something. I'd probably say something like 'I know you don't like having your hair washed but we can do it quickly and play a game after'

Delphiniumsblue · 21/03/2014 06:52

I think that you have to go with your personality and I couldn't possibly do the spiel about green vegetables and sunshine etc and my children would definitely think I had gone batty!

looselegs · 21/03/2014 07:31

It is reasoning-and ultimately they make the choice so they decide what the consequence will be.I just won't be drawn into huge explanations of why they need to eat their food/do their homework etc etc just to try and get the same result.If I started doing that,my kids would think I'd completely lost my marbles lol!

bruffin · 21/03/2014 09:05

My two respond completely differently. I learnt a long time ago with ds 18 that he might groan and grumble and say no , but he will go away and think about things and always do what's right.
DD 16 (as a teenager) is someone you don't fuel the fire, there is no point in arguing with her as it escalates and it is better to discuss when she calms down.
I find what works best for us is pick you battles and they then know that if you are asking them to do something you are being serious and it needs to be done.

Delphiniumsblue · 21/03/2014 10:14

Which is why parenting books don't work-you have to tailor them to your child. There is no way. What worked with one of mine was the worst possible thing for the other.

LondonForTheWeekend · 21/03/2014 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Delphiniumsblue · 21/03/2014 11:24

I didn't dismiss them all, I am just saying that you need to be critical and take out the bits that suit you and your children.

LondonForTheWeekend · 21/03/2014 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OpalQuartz · 21/03/2014 11:43

I didn't dismiss them all, I am just saying that you need to be critical and take out the bits that suit you and your children.

Well that's what you are supposed to do with them anyway.

AskBasil · 21/03/2014 11:46

Except for Gina Ford.

She says you have to follow the whole thing or it won't work.

Although the new editions might be a bit more flexible, I'm blissfully unaware.

Shrinkgrowskids · 21/03/2014 11:50

Funny, I was thinking the same and I AM an expert! I have a degree in medicine and psychology, worked as a Consultant Child Psychiatrist, published research in the field of child psychiatry and psychology, and now have two kids. Do I have a clue? Hell no! See my blog:

shrinkgrowskids.com/about/

OpalQuartz · 21/03/2014 12:55

The bits that suited me and my child in Gina Ford were none of it, so I ditched it. Smile

OpalQuartz · 21/03/2014 12:57

Actually I tell a lie, I think there were some bits about weaning onto solids that I liked in Gina Ford, so I used it later on. Can't remember what they were though as it was ages ago.

Gherkinsmummy · 21/03/2014 13:15

Brilliant for everyone on this thread who is happy with their parenting.
Some of us - ie me - want to get better at parenting - I have PND and anger issues, and a tendency to slip into authoritarian ways if I don't watch myself. Gentle parenting strategies do work for me. Why should this bother anyone else?

Gherkinsmummy · 21/03/2014 13:16

Also I think people are confusing gentle and permissive parenting. We say no to ds all the time, and he knows that there are boundaries and rules. Its just that they are not handed down, they are explained.

Delphiniumsblue · 21/03/2014 15:59

I was writing in a hurry, I didn't mean they don't work full stop, I meant they don't work in a universal way. They can't because what is brilliant for one child or a family isn't brilliant for another. It fails with another. Life would be simple if there was a 'way' to bring up children that was good for all children and all parents.

Gherkinsmummy · 21/03/2014 16:48

Of course Delphinium, but how can you know that they don't work unless you try them? Some of that might be instinct, some might be about unlearning what you think you know. Like the whole idea of praise and rewards, for example. Like that it might not be so great to raise compliant and obedient children, because they will turn into obedient adults, and who wants that?

The biggest thing I have learned from the parenting books I've read is to manage my own emotions, which I find useful in all my relationships, not just with DS.

bruffin · 21/03/2014 17:00

Like that it might not be so great to raise compliant and obedient children, because they will turn into obedient adults, and who wants that?
Me for one! I dont like the idea of adults who think laws don't apply to them. You can raise obedient children who can think for themselves. My dcs learnt a long time ago being nice, obedient children got them a lot farther in life.

Gherkinsmummy · 21/03/2014 17:03

REALLY Bruffin? The kind of people who are walked over by others because they can't stand up for themselves? I'm not talking about people who break the law, but people who see that something is wrong and challenge it.

Gherkinsmummy · 21/03/2014 17:09

sorry this time as a link

verdiletta · 21/03/2014 17:20

No strategy works with all kids. Like other posters, my DC couldn't have been more different as 2 year olds. Naughty step, time out, sticker charts, threats, bribes...nothing worked with DC1. DC2 loved to please, and I was suddenly able to be the calm, rational and NICE parent I had always wanted to be.

I think it's really helpful to get suggestions of what might work, as long as it is acknowledged that no strategy works magic.

bruffin · 21/03/2014 17:24

That blog is nonsense, but i find parenting blogs pointless and self gratifying anyway.

my children are obedient but they have managed to get to 16 and 18 without being any of the children described.

My 16 has not had a boyfriend because she told me she was too "fussy" She is the last person to pushed into anything she doesn't want to do, but she is a obedient as any teenager is. She can spot the "mean girls" a mile off.
Why would a 6 year old who is behaving themselves be screamed at by a coach Confused what sort of parents put their 6 year old in that sort of club

BertieBotts · 21/03/2014 17:27

Hang on Gherkins, I like ahaparenting usually, but I hadn't seen that article before. It's really nothing to do with obedience when a child is sexually abused. In the vast majority of cases the abuser doesn't say "Do this or else" they win over the child's trust, groom them, make them feel like they're playing a game, may even start off with acts which don't cause discomfort for the child (sorry, horrible thing to think about). The threats come later when they do want to do something that the child might not like, and that's when they keep them quiet with threats of "I'll tell that you did XYZ, that was really naughty, you'll get into trouble" or whatever will frighten the child most, like "I'll hurt your parents/sister/dog"

Nothing to do with obedience at all. And not nice to think about.