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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed that I'll never have a daughter?

123 replies

ballinacup · 17/03/2014 08:37

I found out last week that my second, and last, DC is a boy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be having a healthy child, regardless of gender. However, every other family unit within both DH's and my own families have had either a girl and a boy or two girls.

I suppose I always assumed on some level that I too would have a daughter. I don't know why it makes me sad, maybe because there are life issues that my sons will go through that DH will always understand better than I will. I also worry about the level of closeness I will retain to my sons and their own children when my DIL will understandably always want her own DM to be closer.

It doesn't help that someone at work, completely without malice she's just a bit of a gobshite, gasped "Oh my God! I would hate to have two boys!". It seems in this country that an all male family is the least desirable.

Again, I will adore my sons. Of course I will. And I don't need to be told how lucky I am to have two healthy children when others struggle with fertility issues. I know all of this.

But I can't deny that I am disappointed.

OP posts:

FoodieMum3 · 17/03/2014 12:22

YANBU.

I am pregnant with my third child and I have 2 dd's.

I don't have a major longing for a boy and I won't be disappointed if this is another girl but I will have a sadness that I (or dh) will never have a son.

Before we had children I just imagined that we would have both genders, I think everyone does!

Tbh I'm probably more nervous about other people's reactions and their disappointments, I've already been asked several times if I am pregnant because we 'went for the boy'. (We didn't)

I won't be finding out the gender but I think that if I did I would have a little pang of sadness knowing that we won't have a son. Then there's a horrible guilt for even having such a thought when we are blessed to be able to have babies when so many others are struggling. We did have difficulty conceiving ourselves so that certainly does put things into perspective.

LucilleBluth · 17/03/2014 12:23

I have two boys, I was delighted when I found out DS2 was a boy, the thought of two brothers close in age was amazing to me, I'm an only child so it's something that means a lot.

Fast forward to when FS1 was 9 and DS2 7,....I got pregnant again and I really really really didn't mind what sex I was having. I ended up with a DD, she's three now and so far she is just like her brothers were at her age, when the differences will show I don't know.

OP, two boys are a great combo, loads of fun, best mates, lots of laughs........when their not fighting you'll have a ball.

LucilleBluth · 17/03/2014 12:25

Dahlen, I have to disagree with that sweeping statement that teenage girls have it harder, do you have any experience of guiding a boy through his teenage years?

wonderingsoul · 17/03/2014 12:26

ynbu

i will admit to feeling a bit dispointed at ds2 scan.. and it took me two - three days to get kick myseklf into gear.

now... i wouldnt change it for the world.. i love having 2 boys..and they are very much mummy boys. esp ds2

there is still a bit of yearning for a girl... and i think ashammdly its more for the girly part of it..which i know is no good reason to have another child.

unless my situation changes ALOT.. i wont be having any more children, so i try to get my "girl" fix from my friends little ones.

shallow.. not right.. prob.. but there you go.. were all human..and we cant all be mature or sane all the time. but i really wouldnt change a thing, even if i could!

LucilleBluth · 17/03/2014 12:28

They're not fighting and DS1 not Fs1, bloody I pad.

MrsDeVere · 17/03/2014 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paddyclampo · 17/03/2014 12:32

I wonder if some of the negative comments that are often said about girls on here (not particularly on this thread) are said to their daughters. If so, no wonder they are hard work!

The only way that my DD is harder is that she has long hair which is an effort!!

Interesting things have been said about 2 DC of the same gender being better friends. My DS and DD have cousins who are the same age as my DC and are also a boy and a girl. They spend a huge amount of time together and the boys are very close to each other and so too are the girls.

lainiekazan · 17/03/2014 12:33

The trouble is people picture the ideal scenario: a girl will be your future best friend or at least will adore you in the "Marmee" (Little Women) style. Boys will be mates for life and be full of jolly bonhomie. Large families will provide you with lots of lovely grandchildren all thrilled to visit you etc etc.

Apart from a few smuggery smug people, I don't think anyone's dcs seamlessly fit into the round hole that has been imagined for them. People have gay sons, angry daughters, stoners, slackers... and think of all those people on the Stately Homes thread thinking their parents are crap.

FabBakerGirl · 17/03/2014 12:37

YANBU but it is very important you don't let this take over.

In DH's family we are the only ones to have had children of both sexes. One has 4 girls, one has two girls, two have two boys and one has one boy with another baby due soon - sex not known. It really doesn't matter.

When I was pregnant I didn't mind what I had but did have what I wanted when I thought about it, though I know I would have been fine with different. TBH I would have loved three boys, it would have been great fun.

Jellymum1 · 17/03/2014 12:40

YANBU but I promise you really wont care in the long term. Dont worry about how you feel its pretty common xx

Dahlen · 17/03/2014 12:41

Lucille - yes. I'm not saying that being a boy is easy either.

But you're right about it being sweeping statements. And that's surely the whole point. No one can say being a parent will be a specific experience because of the gender of their child. There are far more variables involved than that. If you accept that, you realise that it really doesn't matter whether you have a boy or a girl.

ScarlettOHaraHamilton · 17/03/2014 12:49

I don't think that a lot of the time it has much to do with really wanting sons or daughters.

It's about that little imagination you have of something, or vaguely imagining what a future daughter might be like, what her name will be, and then realising that is now gone.

I happily daydream and discuss the names of any future DCs. I'm not actually convinced I do want a second DC; I know that if I decide not to try for another, even if that's the right decision, I'll still feel a little sad that I won't ever have a 'Elizabeth' or a 'Joshua', if that makes any sense.

It's perfectly normal to take a little while to get your head around some things in life and it doesn't remotely mean you won't love your child just as much when they come. I spent my whole life imagining having boys, I was a bit thrown when I found out I was having a girl. I can't imagine having sons now!

tulipsaredelicious · 17/03/2014 13:21

I'm in the same boat as you. 2 ds and would love a daughter but doubtful now that we'll try for a third. I wasn't disappointed at all when I found out the sex of ds 2 - I was just grateful he was healthy. And of course I'd never swap either of them for the world.

But YANBU to feel a little disappointment. I think when ds2 arrives you will love him with all your heart and the disappointment will shrink. You'll have so much more to replace that, IYSWIM.

There's no way of knowing what your relationship with a daughter would be. It most likely wouldn't live up to the ideal in your head. This is what I tell myself. And I look around for substitutes! It's good to have space to give out a little extra love to people beyond your immediate family. Does the world no harm at all.

Ev1lEdna · 17/03/2014 13:24

Congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope it is a lovely healthy one.

I have 2 sons, I love having 2 sons and I'm sure you will too. I don't think you are BU to have that little pang. I cried after my second scan (knowing I was being silly and was lucky to have a healthy child) but I got over it pretty quickly - approximately 10 minutes later. I wouldn't change it now. The thing about children is that they are little individuals, some girls will never be a girly-girl and may rebel and not be that close to you, some boys will dislike football and traditional 'boy stuff'; a child of either gender is no guarantee of the stereotypical gender specific likes/personality traits/clothing etc.

When a friend had her girl though I did enjoy buying the stripy tights and little bits for her. I also have fun buying for my niece.

CPtart · 17/03/2014 13:25

I have two DS aged 11 and 8.
I would have liked a girl second time round but several years on I can see that for them having a sibling of the same sex has been the best possible outcome.

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/03/2014 13:27

I felt just the same when I found out dc2 was a boy. I cried. For an hour.

Always thought I'd have a daughter.

But I genuinely, completely and in the very bones of me do not care now! I got over it in a week or two. And now my six month old baby boy is so perfect to me, so adored. I wouldn't swap him for a daughter and that sense of loss has vanished.

In my initial post-birth haze, I found myself thinking, this is perfect, he is perfect, a girl would not have been right, he is my boy.....

soppy

Give yourself time.

Silentelf · 17/03/2014 13:39

Yanbu. I didn't find out the sex of mine before they born but for no 2 I was worried I'd be disappointed if it was another boy. But when he was born and my DH told me 'DS1's got a brother' it felt so right and he was so perfect I was overjoyed and not in the least bit disappointed. Now I feel like we are the perfect family, people are always admiring my two gorgeous boys and commenting on what fun they'll have together as they grow up.

DingbatsFur · 17/03/2014 18:22

I have 2Ds and will probably never have a daughter. I know how you feel though. The mitochondrial dna stops with me now, the little xmas traditions from mother to daughter will fade, the little girly things I had as a child stay untouched (except when the dolls house is involved in a lego battle). It's sad.
My DSs are lovely and I wouldn't trade them for the world, both so different and so wonderful and such great friends. I call DS2 my bonus boy sometimes as he is the boy I never knew I needed but is so wonderful to have. The granny of one of their friends said once not to be sad, she had two boys and now she has a wonderful granddaughter and gets to do all the lovely girly stuff without any of the angry behaviour.
Enjoy your boys and the fun to come!

LovelyJubblies · 17/03/2014 19:41

I have 3 boys, I would love a daughter but it's never going to happen.
I get pity look all the time or the 'oh you've got your hands full'
Two of my workmates are having girls and I admit I'm slightly jealous.

crazy88 · 17/03/2014 20:28

YANBU but think of all the sh*t you WON'T have to deal with! I used to feel like you, I have 3 boys and I feel in some ways that I have been let off the hook. I would have been a lousy mother of girls anyway.

kerala · 17/03/2014 20:56

My lovely granny had one son. She was a great mother so when she was widowed she moved from where she had lived 200 miles away to across the road and was a fantastic part of mine and my 2 sisters childhood. She died when my youngest sister was 18 so effectively was there when all 3 of us were growing up. So she certainly got her fix of girliness in the end

SparklySocks · 17/03/2014 21:21

I would love to have a DD but I know that DS will be my only child. It doesn't mean I love him any less but I always envisaged myself having a girl. The paternal grandmother never seems to get included as much in grandchildren and the maternal grandmother seems to get more time and may even get to go to the birth etc. Then there is all the shopping trips etc and general girlie fun. I've got a name and everything (Eleanor in case anyone's interested!!)

Can you tell I'm a little bit

LongTailedTit · 17/03/2014 22:18

I nearly started an identical thread a few months back OP, I'm pg with DS2, and he will be our last too.

I'm not disappointed that this child is a boy, I'm disappointed that I will never have a daughter.
It's not aimed at DS2, it's a personal feeling I have about the fictional family I assumed I'd have.
It felt harder this time as I know we won't try for a DC3, whereas with DS1 I still thought it was possible we might have a girl DC2.

•I was raised in a predominantly female family, no brothers, uncles, great-uncles even. I just always assumed I'd have a girl in spite of the fact that 9 of the 10 GC on my side of the family are boys, clearly making up for the previous generations' female bias!.
•People often used to comment how DH and I would have beautiful daughters (due to ethnic mix).
•It didn't help that everyone told me "it must be a girl" as this pregnancy is so different to DS1's, and so I convinced myself it might be. I was disappointed after the gender scan, felt shit about my feelings, and tried to bury them.

Fortunately I know from last time that the second he actually arrives I'll be fine, but until that happens I'll keep feeling wistful.
Our family will be complete when he arrives, and I do think it's great that DS1 will have a brother. I hope they'll be close and will do as much as I can to be a good MIL if the time comes!

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