To be disappointed that I'll never have a daughter?

[ballinacup]

I found out last week that my second, and last, DC is a boy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be having a healthy child, regardless of gender. However, every other family unit within both DH's and my own families have had either a girl and a boy or two girls.

I suppose I always assumed on some level that I too would have a daughter. I don't know why it makes me sad, maybe because there are life issues that my sons will go through that DH will always understand better than I will. I also worry about the level of closeness I will retain to my sons and their own children when my DIL will understandably always want her own DM to be closer.

It doesn't help that someone at work, completely without malice she's just a bit of a gobshite, gasped "Oh my God! I would hate to have two boys!". It seems in this country that an all male family is the least desirable.

Again, I will adore my sons. Of course I will. And I don't need to be told how lucky I am to have two healthy children when others struggle with fertility issues. I know all of this.

But I can't deny that I am disappointed.

Better to be into horses and pink shit than to be into pink and horse shit.

now there's a life motto

Lol at not being arsed with your nephew. I feel your pain, I have ten of them.

I knew I was having twins, but decided against knowing the sex. Apart from anything else, they were so tangled up at the scan that the ultrasound operator said she couldn't really tell for certain anyway.

There was one enormous pang of disappointment at the moment that dtd2 came out (arse first, contrary little monkey) and I heard I had a second girl - but now I cannot imagine having one of each. They are themselves, lovely, infuriating, beautiful, clever, silly, and absolutely perfect in every way.

I will never ever tell dtd2 about that momentary pang of course.

Ha. It didn't last long before people started writing sexist shit about girls. It always does.

there is nothing wrong with pink shit and horses if that is what girls are into fwiw I am sure girls manage to function as little being while they play with their pink shit do you know how hard it is not to type horse shit I nearly did it twice

2 boys together are absolutely fab. My first 2 were boys and were inseparable for years. Even now, though they are teens and claim not to care about each other, I can see that their bond is the strongest pairing amongst my 4 children.

The colleague who spoke of horror at 2 boys is an idiot. My daughter was the hardest of my children to rear, when she was little anyway. The 3 boys have been no trouble at all.

I agree with some who say you can't guarantee your relationship with your daughter would have been that close. I am not close to my mother. I hope I am doing better with my daughter and, now that she is a teen, yes it sometimes feels like she is my ally in a male-dominated family, but I don't know how we will end up. So far, I have been far closer to ds2 and ds3.

I don't think that once boys have children of their own they separate from their mothers. Although my mil lives half the year at the other side of the world, when she is here, my dh is quite close to her, and I have a good relationship with her. So there is hope yet that you will be close to your sons and their partners when they are adults.

YANBU to feel disappointment, but you should not dwell on it as there is nothing you can do about it now (apart from try again for a daughter!)

I raised my DD completely gender neutral. Two weeks into nursery at the age of three and it was pink shit from wall to wall. I've learned to live with it.

It's completely fine to have a pang, I had a pang when I found out DS was a boy, even though I already had a girl. It took me a while to get my head round it, but I don't think about that whole life with two girls thing any more still think about life with just one child though, wouldn't that be easier

And re the pink glittery stuff, yes we've had a bit over the years. We've also had muddy wellies, bicycles, footballs, lego, paint, playdoh, falling out of tree related injuries, and basically most of the same mess and botheration as the boy families.

About the only thing we don't get (except when dp does it) is the lavatory seat routinely left up.

I dont think you can raise children to be gender neutral anyway as mini mog has demonstrated

I have both, dds and ds. My dd has a bf who is one of 3 boys and as soon as my dd went round to their house, her bf's mum was absolutely adorable to her, treating her as her own, it is the sweetest thing ever!

She told me she had always wanted a dd and they are even planning trips away etc. I could not be happier to be sharing my dd with her!

So what I am saying op is yanbu but the future is bright as you will have the opportunity to forge as strong a bond with your ds's partners as if they were your own x

My sister in law had 2 boys.. she then went for the third openly saying she was hoping for a girl (I think she wanted a girl on the second try to be honest) low and behold baby number 3 was also a boy. She cried at the gender scan as both her mum and nan said the immortal words 'oh well never mind'!!!!!!! Anyway point is years down the line she has 3 lovely boys and absolutely loves them all to bits as they do her. Herself, mum and nan often look back at the gender scan and laugh about it - her mum and nan only meant 'never mind' for her sake as they was just pleased the baby was healthy, its just at the time she took it to mean they was disappointed too.

I have another friend with 3 boys who also felt that pang at baby number 3 being a boy (and a tear was shed too at the gender scan) but again, years down the line she has 3 cracking boys all who adore her, and love going shopping with her (think times are changing with boys now especially since programes like TOWIE have encouraged male grooming!)

Seriously you'll have 2 great little boys who will hopefully grow up to be close - what more could you wish for? x

It's not unreasonable to want a dd.

One of my friends has four DDs and would love a ds while another has three ds and would love a dd.

I don't think YABU to feel that - we all have preconceived ideas about what our DC will be like and how our relationship with them will develop.

They're usually wrong, however. And the rely rather heavily on a heavy dose of sexism.

Children's relationships with their parents are affected much more by their personalities than they are by their gender, and there is never a guarantee that a girl will spend hours bonding with her mum over hair-dressing sessions any more than a boy will love playing football with his father. What about the son who likes dolls and the daughter that is a tomboy? What about the son whose personality is much more on his mum's wavelength than his sister's?

YANBU OP, you can't help how you feel. A lot of people I know who have 2DS's (or indeed 2DD's) find that the second one is completely different from the first anyway!

I have a DS and a DD. Both are lovely for who they are. DS is very loving and very sporty. DD is also very loving, and is not remotely bitchy, devious or any of the other hideous labels given to young girls.

As for the gobshite at work, she's probably just had a bad case of verbal diarrhoea. People say all sorts of rubbish without thinking.

YANBU

It's totally possible to be grateful, happy and in love with the child you have whilst still being disappointed that you might never experience a child of the opposite gender. It's not about wishing things were different or that you could swop, it's about being wistful for what might have been

I have lots of boys and one girl. They are all so different from each other and so special. Having my girl was a little bit more exciting after several boys because it was something new but I don't love her or enjoy her anymore than I do my boys

i work with girls

the parents who have both ALWAYS say they are harder

anecdotal but overwhelming

Aw, OP, YANBU. I have four boys and very guiltily remember sitting in the car and crying like a blubbery hormonal mess after I found out that my fourth and last baby was another boy. However, I completely adored him from the moment he was born, seriously, and if I could rewind and have a girl instead there's no way I'd do it. He's perfect.

I've thought about it a lot since, though and tried to work out why I was so upset about not having a daughter and I think it's all down to having this completely unrealistic idea that a girl would be just like me and we'd share interests and it'd be all lovely. My own mother abandoned me when I was a couple of months old and I was raised by my grandparents so I don't have any experience of a good mother/daughter relationship (or indeed a good parent/child one tbh!) so I think I thought that having a daughter of my own would 'fix' something in me? Obviously I was ignoring the fact that she would most probably turn out to be nothing at ALL like me!

Anyway, I know that's not the case for you but it's complicated, isn't it?

I think one of the reasons girls are considered harder is because socially more is expected of them. The research done on this overwhelmingly shows that from a very early age girls are encouraged to be quieter and more acquiescent than boys and that society - including parents - are quicker to pull them up on it when they don't conform. Most of it takes place without anyone even being aware of it but it explains why some people may feel they have to "go on" at their girls more than their boys, especially when we are still treated to phrases such as "boys will be boys" and they are left to it so much more.

I have one of each. My DD is certainly the more stubborn of the two, but her brother is by far the "harder" of the two in terms of boundary pushing.

delicious though, obvs
just tricksy

i think its the emotional stuff as teens - mates, boys etc

and they take EVERYTHING personally. Everything

I think this idea that daughters remain closer to their mothers is not always the case. I call my parents every week without fail. My wife has spoken to her mother twice since Christmas.

I have 2DSs, and currently pregnant with my third (amazing surprise) baby. Truth be told, I'd like a girl, I've just always imagined having one. So I'm not going to find out the sex in advance, because if it's a third DS I can imagine I feel disappointed, whereas once it's here I'll just be glad it's finally out! I'm also spending the time between then and now focusing on the idea of having a third boy, and have already got my name sorted. I'll prob end up disappointed if a girl now

Go easy on yourself op, you'll love your boy when he's here, and two boys do make a fab team - mine are inseparable.

LordPalmerston - I think that's because it's much harder being a female teen than it is a male teen if you in any way follow social norms about male/female behaviour, which of course most teens of both sexes do and sadly many parents and certainly wider society are pretty unquestioning about it.

Girls are overwhelmingly encouraged to take things personally. For example, a girl is not good enough if she doesn't look or behave in a certain way. A boy OTOH might be encouraged to aspire to be an 'alpha male' by being good at football or whatever, but if he doesn't choose to play and watches instead and is just pretty ordinary, that's good enough and he will be part of the male group.

Sadly, as more equality is achieved between the sexes, rather than girls having the same freedoms as boys, I see boys being forced down the same route as girls, with more emphasis on their appearance and conformity to a hyper-macho culture.

It's damaging to all.