Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be disappointed that I'll never have a daughter?

123 replies

ballinacup · 17/03/2014 08:37

I found out last week that my second, and last, DC is a boy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be having a healthy child, regardless of gender. However, every other family unit within both DH's and my own families have had either a girl and a boy or two girls.

I suppose I always assumed on some level that I too would have a daughter. I don't know why it makes me sad, maybe because there are life issues that my sons will go through that DH will always understand better than I will. I also worry about the level of closeness I will retain to my sons and their own children when my DIL will understandably always want her own DM to be closer.

It doesn't help that someone at work, completely without malice she's just a bit of a gobshite, gasped "Oh my God! I would hate to have two boys!". It seems in this country that an all male family is the least desirable.

Again, I will adore my sons. Of course I will. And I don't need to be told how lucky I am to have two healthy children when others struggle with fertility issues. I know all of this.

But I can't deny that I am disappointed.

OP posts:

DomesticDisgrace · 17/03/2014 09:07

YANBU at all but you're very lucky all the same.

SaveTheMockingBird · 17/03/2014 09:10

YANBU. It's normal to feel this way. I too had fertility problems, 2yr of trying, but luckily ended up with 2 DCs at the end of it.
Ofcourse you will love both your DSs. Boys are fab!
I have a DS and a DD. TBH, I wanted a 2nd DS because I thought it would be better for DC1 to have a brother and to have more things in common as they get older, and I still think that. I certainly had to gender preferences at all, but a lot of people do and that is understandable.
My DS is a total mummies boy though, it's not true to assume that girls are closer to their mums than boys.

QueenofKelsingra · 17/03/2014 09:13

no, you are not BU to feel this way. I had DS1 and then was expecting DTs - at the 20 week scan the first one they scanned was DS2 and I did feel a pang of disappointment and worry/fear that they would both be boys. so much so that I was willing the sonograpgher to hurry up so I could find out what DT2 was! She turned out to be our DD and afterwards I felt so guilty that I wanted to rush through DTS's scan to find out if the other was DTD or DTS2.

of course I know that I would have loved my DC whatever sex they were but I completely understand the feeling you're having and I think it is natural to feel that way. you will move past it though.

there are pros and cons to all combinations of sex and number of children, and people will always make unhelpful comments - ignore them and concentrate on the positives - my 2DSs are a proper little gang of 2, they are best mates and go everywhere together. 2 boys rock, I promise!

BertieBotts · 17/03/2014 09:14

Of course any combination of children is lovely :) But I do tend to think that two the same gender is a very nice combination. Which is probably because I had one sister growing up,and it was great. We were really close.

ArtexMonkey · 17/03/2014 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SizzlesSit · 17/03/2014 09:16

You only found out recently, I'd give yourself a break.

I was surprised and disappointed in myself to also feel a few pangs of not exactly disappointment, but not dead excited either when we discovered it was DS2.

It took me a few days to get my head round it and I did a lot of overanalysis as to why I felt a bit sad.

One of my reasons is that I'm so close to my mum and really wanted to keep up the mother-daughter relationship into the next generation, especially once my mum is gone. However, that is a hell of a lot to ask of an unborn baby! And I have no real way of knowing if we would have had that relationship or not. But by having another boy, I knew I definitely would not have that relationship IYSWIM.

However, DH is very very close to his mum (they talk daily) and DS1 is just fab so I am now very excited to be having DS2. Other people's reactions are quite annoying though - a lot of pity (!) and gasps of horror at having two boys. I just shame them by saying that DS1 is fantastic so why won't the second one be? (they can't exactly argue that DS1 isn't fantastic - at least not to my face )

BeaWheesht · 17/03/2014 09:17

I have a boy and a girl but tbh I was terrified when I found out dc2 was a girl! I'm glad she's who she is now obviously.

The thing is, I know what it's like to be a parent to MY ds and MY dd, I don't know what it's like to be a parent to yours just because they might be the same gender, just like I don't know what another ds would have been like. Gender isn't the be all and end all, kids have so many more defining features than that. My dd for example does love dancing and pink but also loves mud and football and climbing.

YANBU to be disappointed but never tell your children. MiL always comments on how she wishes dh (second boy) was a girl and then how she wished her first 2 grandchildren had been girls rather than boys. It massively pisses me off.

mrsjay · 17/03/2014 09:20

yanbu to have the feelings you have but i think you are grieving about something that is an idea in your head what a daughter will be like I hope you manage to resolve your feelings soon I know you are happy your baby is ok and healthy etc but a daughter might never be what you want her to be,

Monetbyhimself · 17/03/2014 09:21

YANBU to feel as you do. However as someone else said, it's up to you to deal with those feelings and not let them affect your bond and relationship with your new baby. And the first step in that is acknowledging them.

LegoStillSavesMyLife · 17/03/2014 09:22

I've got two boys. If I am honest I was slightly sad when we found out ds2 was an boy. But now they are both here, it's great. They live with their best friend, they have the same interests. Plus there is not pink and purple glittery plastic crap in my house.

I think people get can too set on the boy girl divide. Each child is an individual.

I love my house of Lego and madness and I wouldn't change any of it. Even if it did mean I could buy stripy tights .

CountBapula · 17/03/2014 09:23

My DS2 was due 4 days ago :)

I had a bit of a wobble at the scan. I'd always assumed I'd have a daughter because it's what's 'normal' to me as a family unit (I have an older brother). We had a girl's name agreed on and have always struggled with boys' names. Also, DS1 was such a nightmare baby (screamed all the time, never slept) I think I assumed - albeit subconsciously and irrationally - that a DS2 would be the same, whereas a potential DD might be calmer and easier. Very daft, I know, and when DH pointed this out to me I realised how illogical it was.

As the pregnancy went on, my 'fantasy DD' just sort of faded away gradually. I can't even picture her anymore. Having two boys seems like the most natural thing in the world and I can't imagine anything different.

Now if he'd just hurry up and come out...

Original poster

ballinacup · 17/03/2014 09:24

No no no I would never tell DS2 that I felt disappointed!

OP posts:

QueenofKelsingra · 17/03/2014 09:24

all of this I think comes down to the fact that you are imagining a theoretical daughter. once your son is here, he will be a real, living baby boy and you will love him unconditionally. I cant see you can ever look at your actual living, squirming baby and wish they were the other sex. you will move through this and thanks to the ability to know before they are born, you have time to deal with the feelings so they don't effect your bonding with your new DS.

Laura0806 · 17/03/2014 09:24

YANBU amd yes I agree with you that you are very lucky too. As others have said I think quite often we have a picture in our head of the chidlren we will have and its an adjustment when they are not as we have imagined but nonetheless when we go on to have them we wouldn't change a thing and neither will you. I think its a cliche to think girls are closer to their mums; many women are not and in my experience certainly as young chidlren, boys are more loving. I know so many people who experienced the same as you on their gender scan and I know growing up I always dreamt of a daughter. However, my DS is the most lovely affectionate child and we are so close hes perfect!

bonkersLFDT20 · 17/03/2014 09:25

Does you friend at work have one awful son or something?!

I have two DSs and they are utterly fab. A small part of me had to accept I would never have the experience of having a DD, but I think that's normal, we have to accept all manner of things in life.

It's good that you have some time to work through your feelings.

All will be fine, I guarantee it.

mrsjay · 17/03/2014 09:28

oh aye your work mate is an arse

I know somebody with dds and grandaughters she said to a mother of 3 boys oh i would not know what to do with boys I am glad the grandbabies were girls silly cow

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/03/2014 09:29

YANBU. I am the lone parent to DS who is a brilliant kid and we have huge amounts in common But, when my SIL gave birth to a little girl last summer, I've realised (late in the day) that I would have loved a little girl of my own. The poor kid bears a striking resemblance to me and I'm really quite smitten! :)

Hidethechocolates · 17/03/2014 09:29

I know how you feel. After three sons, I thought my family was complete and people kept pitying me because I'd never know the joys of having a daughter. At 42 I gave birth to a girl, to everyone's ( including mine ) surprise. Of course it's great having a daughter but I have to say that my sons have been much easier to bring up, they're much more loving and forgiving. Maybe it's just me...
I wish you all the best and I know you'll be very happy with your two boys.

CountBapula · 17/03/2014 09:35

Some random lady at the bus stop was admiring DS1 the other day (he is a beautiful kid, even if I do say so myself) and asked me what I was having. When I told her another boy, she made a face and said, 'Well, as long as it's healthy - it would've been nice to have a girl, though'. Complete stranger!

If that'd happened right after the scan, it would have floored me. Now I just feel sorry for her for having such an utter lack of imagination and being a tactless bint

Original poster

ballinacup · 17/03/2014 09:36

The colleague has one girl. She didn't have any more because she didn't want to risk having a boy.

Thank you all so much, I'm feeling so much better having got it all off my chest. And thank you for not flaming me, which I probably deserved.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 17/03/2014 09:36

you can just be the cool auntie Cogito

cory said up thread about the different scenarios I have same sex children somebody said to me after i had NO2 aww that is a shame would have been nice if you could had one of each

mrsjay · 17/03/2014 09:37

you didnt deserve any flaming you feel how you feel and you are just accepting that you would have liked a girl thats all

LouiseSmith · 17/03/2014 09:38

YANBU - I cried when I was told DS was a boy at my scan. I was desperate for a girl. Still am. Love him to the ends of the earth though

CountBapula · 17/03/2014 09:38

'She didn't have any more because she didn't want to risk having a boy.'

She sounds bonkers

2madboys · 17/03/2014 09:40

I have two boys who are 10 and 13 and feel slightly the same sometimes. When I had them, two other friends were pregnant also and both had girls. I was so glad that I had found out at the scan that I was having a boy or I think I would have been disappointed. However - having two the same is great as they are more likely to be into the same things, making stuff like family days out, holidays, etc easier. They share friends to an extent and do activities like Scouts together (although girls can go too). Clothes can be passed on and generally it's all a bit easier. Enjoy them both and don't feel guilty about wondering what it would be like to have a girl.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5