Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed that I'll never have a daughter?

123 replies

ballinacup · 17/03/2014 08:37

I found out last week that my second, and last, DC is a boy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be having a healthy child, regardless of gender. However, every other family unit within both DH's and my own families have had either a girl and a boy or two girls.

I suppose I always assumed on some level that I too would have a daughter. I don't know why it makes me sad, maybe because there are life issues that my sons will go through that DH will always understand better than I will. I also worry about the level of closeness I will retain to my sons and their own children when my DIL will understandably always want her own DM to be closer.

It doesn't help that someone at work, completely without malice she's just a bit of a gobshite, gasped "Oh my God! I would hate to have two boys!". It seems in this country that an all male family is the least desirable.

Again, I will adore my sons. Of course I will. And I don't need to be told how lucky I am to have two healthy children when others struggle with fertility issues. I know all of this.

But I can't deny that I am disappointed.

OP posts:
PenguinsEatSpinach · 17/03/2014 09:40

You didn't deserve a flaming. Of course you didn't.

And your colleague sounds a nutter. Who doesn't want to 'risk' a boy? What an odd attitude to male children.

TheBody · 17/03/2014 09:40

ah op brave and honest post and I totally get you. I had 2 boys now in their 20s and they are huge and bear huggy! they adore me and I adore them.

I had girls later and adore them too but they can't pick me up or bear hug!

Bowlersarm · 17/03/2014 09:43

It's ok to feel that way.

I don't think it would ever be ok to let your sons know you are disappointed.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/03/2014 09:43

I am the terrible auntie mrsjay because there is already a nephew and I really can't be bothered with the kid!!! My (warped) mindset is that I've already got a perfectly nice boy of my own so I don't really want a second tagging along but I don't have a girl so I'm going to appropriate the niece by fair means or foul. DB had her quite late in the day (we're nearly 50) so I'm gearing up to be an indulgent/manipulative 'great aunt' in the classic Bertie Wooster tradition. :)

Owllady · 17/03/2014 09:45

I think this is one of the down points to finding out prior to the birth tbh. I do have a daughter but she is severely disabled so I won't do most of the stuff you imagine you will do with a dd and I do find it hard sometimes. I had two boys after her and I know with the third I would've liked a girl BUT I didn't know until he was here and I adore him, as you will your son. Some things are just out of our control. This is one of them :)

roomwithoutaroof · 17/03/2014 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay · 17/03/2014 09:45

8so I'm gearing up to be an indulgent/manipulative 'great aunt' in the classic Bertie Wooster tradition. *

Grin you can tempt her with your fortune as long as she visits you once a month

Owllady · 17/03/2014 09:47

Work colleague is bonkers
Gavel

OpalQuartz · 17/03/2014 09:50

If it's true. Maybe she couldn't have more kids and is jealous of people with boys

Iggi101 · 17/03/2014 09:54

Ah now. I have two boys, and would love to have had a girl too if time had been on my side. I didn't find out till the birth, so I found it "it's a boy" at the same moment that I saw the beautiful amazing little creature that is ds2. When your son arrives he won't just be a sex, he will be an individual and at that point all will be well.
My pfb was very insistent that he wanted a brother, so I was pleased not to disappoint him! (Though I'm sure he'd have been fine either way).
I don't get to do the pretty dresses thing, but that is both a positive and a negative IMO!
Your workmate should stfu.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/03/2014 09:54

@mrsjay..... you've got it in one :)

OpalQuartz · 17/03/2014 09:55

This thread is refreshing as people haven't flamed the OP for feeling how she feels as often happens on these threads. People have been honest about their own similar feelings (about boys or girls) and normally people come on and say "Well all girls are bitchy/manipulative, so you should be glad you didn't have girls."

mrsjay · 17/03/2014 09:57

oh I have girls it HAS not been easy but i dont really know anything different iyswm

ikeaismylocal · 17/03/2014 10:03

Yanbu op, your colleague sounds like she has her own issues around males, her opinion is very odd and voicing it is very rude.

I have a 14 month old ds and I'm pregnant with dc2. I really really hope that I'm having another boy. These are my reasonings.

2 boys are more likely to be into the same hobbies/films/activities than a boy/girl.

They are more likely to be good friends, I have a brother who is 2 years younger than me, I yearned for a sister when I was growing up.

Ds is so in love with me, he lays his head on my chest and whispers mamma whilst smiling, it's like he is as happy as a person can be. Selfishly I'd love another baby where I am his world.

Room sharing, handing down clothes will be easier with2 boys.

I adore ds so much, it sounds so daft but I'm not sure I'd love a girl as much, my mum told me that "you love your boys in a different more iinstant and intense way to yiur girls"

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

Shorty1980 · 17/03/2014 10:04

YANBU. There was a collective sigh of disappointment at the scan when they announced I was having ds3. And there are days I ache for the daughter I will never have.

But not to the extent that I would consider trying for a fourth. And I wouldn't swap any of my real, wonderful, squishy, snotty sticky boys for this hypothetical girl.

And when I think about why I would have liked a daughter, a lot of it comes down the role I would play in her big life events like a wedding or births (obviously men also feature in weddings and births, but the many MIL threads on here are evidence that it's often a different relationship when it's your son). And of course I could very well have had a daughter who chose to be single and child free which makes that line of thinking redundant really.

Also, one of my ds's is as camp as christmas, so I live in hope I may get to play 'mother of the bride' yet... Smile

HolidayCriminal · 17/03/2014 10:05

meh, parenthood is full of disappointments. Gender maybe the last of them!!

LordPalmerston · 17/03/2014 10:06

god no = all that HAIR and horses and pink shit

plus they are way harder work

mrsjay · 17/03/2014 10:07

tbf my dds were not really into horses and pink shit Grin

diddl · 17/03/2014 10:08

I don't think that YABU.

It doesn't mean of course that you will be disappointed to have your son.

Just a sort of wistfulness about what might have been.

TheBody · 17/03/2014 10:09

girls are no harder work than boys that's a total myth.

I have 2 of each and they are equally as bloody hard and as bloody ace as each other.

OpalQuartz · 17/03/2014 10:10

That cannot be true Mrsjay Didn't you know that all girls are into horses and pink shit? Grin

mrsjay · 17/03/2014 10:11

well one of them did think unicorns shit glitter at one point she grew put of it Grin

CoffeeTea103 · 17/03/2014 10:11

Yanbu, it's ok to be disappointed. But you might have lots of granddaughters one daySmile

ikeaismylocal · 17/03/2014 10:12

With girls you run a higher risk of having to be enthusiastic about pink shit. Obviously there is a small risk that a son will be into pink shit, but the odds are more in your favor with a boy.

Thetallesttower · 17/03/2014 10:14

You cannot assume girls will have children and stay close to you. The Walton sextuplets were in the papers this weekend as they are 30- and have no children yet. Of course, they might have them later or choose not to. I'm just saying if you had 6 girls you might think you may get to be a granny sooner than say if you had 6 boys (or the girls stay closer to you) but this may not be the case.