Even if IABU, should I ignore my gut instinct in regards to a new male worker in DS's nursery?

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DH said when he collected DS1 (age 5) from nursery today there was a new male worker in his room. There has never been a male worker there before.

I know most of you will say IABU but I feel very uneasy about this. DH is indifferent.

I know only a small percent of men are abusers and I know women are capable of abusing children and have been convicted of such offences - but I would still prefer him to be looked after by females at this young age.

The vast majority of sex abusers i hear about in the news are men and, whether this is fair or not, this makes me feel slightly less trusting towards men in general this regard. For example, if DS went missing in a shopping centre and was found by someone and looked after for a few minutes I would feel more comfortable if that person happened to be a women.

I also know that children are more likely to be abused by someone they know like a family member or friend of the family rather than by someone like a nursery worker.

DS has occasional accidents in nursery when he's distracted playing with his friends and doesn't make the toilet on time - and I would be extremely unhappy to have a male worker changing his clothes etc.

I know some people think its great to have a male influence for the children rather than an all female staff but this is not important to me. DS interacts regularly with our male relatives and friends so he is not missing out in that regard. I know that is not the case for all children.

DH heard my views and feels a bit sorry for the male worker who he says is just trying to make a living. However, for me my primary concern is feeling my children are as safe as possible.

Also, my other concern is DS2 (age 1). He is in the same nursery in another room. Sometimes the staff swap between the rooms. If the new male worker was in DS2's room - I would probably switch nurseries.

I was thinking maybe about talking to the nursery manager to get some reassurances that he will just be doing classroom work rather than changing clothes etc. I imagine I might come across as a bit OTT for expressing my concerns?

I'm sure many (maybe all?) of you think IABU and irrational about this - but do you think I should ignore my gut feeling on this because it is the politically correct thing to do.

Are you taking the piss? You don't like him because he's male? FFS. Get a grip, you stupid woman.

I kind of get where the OP is coming from- if you read certain media you get a constant 'drip' of "all men are pedos" so I think it's easy to mistake prejudice for a justified concern.

But it's not rational OP- your fear is simply not based in reality. The overwhelming, massive likelihood is that this guy is in childcare for the same reasons any woman would be.

But you have sons OP - would you want their career path closed to them because they must be a rapist / paedophile?!

Ridiculous! So, my 15 year old son helps at beavers and cubs, loves working with young children, is fantastic with them, and thinking of this for a career. He needs to think about being blocked from this if he does follow this path because of his gender? Yet my daughter will be actively encouraged to look at careers like engineering, to even out the gender divide.
My son was in childcare from 6 months old due to me working. Some of the main influences in him being the caring boy he is, we're childminders older sons and husbands whom he played with when they were around. For me the lack of male role models at nursery and throughout primary school was a real shame.

I think you are really lucky to have a positive role model for your son at that age, and if you really don't like it find another nursery, don't jeopardise this poor man'scareer with your unfounded prejudice.

You actually sound slanderous and your"views"can cost a very capable and qualified person a job! Perhaps you should deal with your anxiety instead of taking it out on this poor bloke! Your children are
Going to come across male I any aspect of their life... School mainly! Is there a problem with that??

Just in the interest of fairness which country are you based? Is it a country fill of bigotry and poisonous opinions?

Sadly I can't help but feel sad for this poor man because the op has
Already judged him so when he does meet her he's already on a loosing battle!!

I think you are being ridiclulous - your 'gut feeling' seems to be based purely on this poor bloke's gender! If you had met him and had 'distinctly creepy' vibes then it would seem more understandable. When my little girl changed nurseries at 18 months she took ages to settle and the only person she seemed to attach herself to at nursery was this lovely young guy who was a bit of a goth, very kind and gentle with the kids. We thought it was quite amusing at the time. He left and I was actually quite gutted as I had been particularly impressed that the nursery employed a male worker.

It is ridiculous to suspect all men of being child abusers, nurseries have v strict policies on things like nappy changing anyway, in ours it is always done in full view of other staff. Are you going to complain if they end up with a male primary school teacher too? Personally I think more men should be encouraged into childcare as a lot are naturally good with young children,

There is a 2 men at my dd nursery and they are both lovely and hey are extremely popular with the kids.
Nurseries are very safe places with lots of safe guarding (in the uk anyway) also sadly for him his colleges are probably watching him like a hawk because even though this thread does not reflect it I'm sure lots of people feel the same way you do.
I really think you'll feel better when you met him and he is no longer just a unknown make looking after your child but is a real person. I'd be nervous about anyone I don't know looking after dd especially if I'd had bad experiences in the past.
I think you might want to examine the reasons you feel so nervous about men as well.

I really feel for any man trying to build a career in childcare as they are going to spend their whole career being judged like this simply because of their gender :( it's no wonder so few men pick childcare as a career.

I feel for the OP here.

The fact remains that the vast majority of people who sexually abuse children are men. That is fact.. Very young children are more vulnerable in this regard. There are particular circumstances at nurseries eg help using toilet etc meaning a direct comparison with football coaching, say, is not relevant.

I feel desperately sorry for the vast majority of men who aren't abusers but the fact remains that a nursery is an unusual place for employment of men.

My DH and I discussed this very issue last year and he would not be happy with a male nursery worker. For me, I would be more comfortable if I met the worker, spoke to the nursery etc. we are both entirely sane people who discussed this rationally and sensibly.

I think you have been brutally honest OP and I respect you for it. You aren't allowed to express opinions any more that have a whiff of prejudice about then. But your concerns are not unreasonable IMHO.

I can't think of anything to say except one day your ds will grow up, god willing, and work, how would you feel if someone like you stepped in to torpedo his hopes for a career in his chosen profession because he is male?

And what makes you so sure all the females there are so perfect? Woman can be abusers as well.

You are lucky your ds has contact with another male role model except his father. Think of the women there as female role models for him as well.

If you think this nursery is so lax with hiring then move him. I'm sure they are happy with this carer.

I am quite fortunate to have a male worker at my daughter's nursery. He is lovely and caring and comforted her when the old school closed and some kids and staff moved to the new one. I was glad he was one of the staff members who moved with the kids.

YABVVVVVU. Your post has made me angry.

This attitude appalls, disgusts and worries me all at the same time, as my DH is a male childminder. Initially he didn't have mindees for a year but is now full, and in fact busier than most other female cms. Because its about the personality and nit the gender, and thankfully local parents don't hold such prejudiced views as you OP. You will leave them with male relatives yet worry about male childcare workers changing them? Irrational.

When my son's nursery got a male worker I was pleased. It adds a different and important dynamic, and the children adored him. If you're concerned about a male member of staff without meeting him, I suggest that maybe you're concerned with the whole nursery. My sons' nursery is so open-plan that changing facilities can be seen, and the staff are so professional I have no doubts about whistleblowing. You don't sound like you trust the nursery in general.

Yabu

But I do think your reaction is due to it not being as common for men to work in early years. Early years need more men.

My ds2 was cared for by a male nursery worker when he was a baby. Ds1 had a male year one teacher (he was 5)

They both adored these men! The nursery worker changed my ds2s clothes and nappies. The teacher supervised ds1 change for pe.

I really don't think this should be an issue
How would you like it if someone told you you couldn't do your job because you were a woman?

If less people had this attitude more men would probably take early years as a career choice

I have teenage boys and a 4 month old baby, and nephews aged 3 & 1, my boys are absolutely fantastic with all the little ones, my 15 year old especially.

I tried to encourage him to take childcare as a GCSE option and to eventually work with children as I genuinely believe this could be a brilliant career choice for him that he would get a great deal of job satisfaction from and he refused on the basis that 'people' will think its weird.

It is people like you op that influence children, how will you feel when your boys are older and someone accuses them (which is essentially what you are doing) of being a peadophile because they are male? I know I would be devastated.

Oh and for what it's worth, I think yab incredibly u!!!

My dd attends nursery and has a male key worker. It has literally never occurred to me that this might be a problem and cause some sort of thread to my dd. I would feel sad if I started to fear every man who had a responsibility for caring for little ones. Why is it that you think you have this gut feeling?

Your gut instinct? Yet you haven't even met him? Listen to yourself. And even worse you have a DS and not a DD so even less reason for your concern (maybe 5 year old girl might not want help in toilet from a man?) Sorry can't believe you even posted this.

You haven't met the person. This is completely unreasonable.

When DD1 started preschool (she's now almost 5) there was a lovely young guy who worked in her room, always smiley and chatty had lots of time for the children/ parents. Very obviously gay and seemed fantastic at hs job. About 6 months after he was arrested on the nursery grounds and suspended (subsequently fired) due to suspicion of child abuse. That shook me up a lot and the nursery didn't deal with it very well IMO.

Having said that, I don't think it's changed my opinion about male workers, though certainly I feel more comfortable once DC are verbal now as I was confident nothing untoward happened with DD as her speech was fab. DD2 is younger and less verbal but there are no male orders at the nursery now.

YABVU

Your child is 5 so I would assume at school (or given that you are in a different country will be soon) half the teacher could me male. What will you do then?
Go to the school and say your child can only be taught by female teachers?

Yabvvvvu. I work in a primary school. We have an incredibly good male ta and several very good male teachers. The male ta is an incredibly good role model, a fabulous educator and such a downright lovely bloke that every child deserves someone that good in their lives.
It saddens me that parents might think that about him. He's awesome.

You are going to look unhinged, if you go into the nursery and say you don't want this worker to change your sons clothes. I really feel sorry for this man. You don't have a gut instinct. You just don't want him to care for your son because he is a man. Totally vile.

Whoa! I don't know why you are getting such a hard time OP. Surely, this is one of the greatest fears of any parent. Partciularly when your child is at such a young age and is incapable of communication or knowing about "stranger danger" etc. Children are most vulnerable at this age. People don't walk around with 'PEODO" on their foreheads. If you were an abuser, wouldn't you look to work closely with children? Childcare, schools, Churches etc - there is a long standing historical pattern of abusers in these settings. I'm not saying this is widespread, but it sadly does happen.I would not be comfortable with a male nursery worker when my child is that age and too young to communicate. I couldn't give a fuck if that makes me sexist. Obviously you can't avoiid it for life - there are bound to be male teachers in school. But at least your child is old enough to be educated on these dangers. I'm with you on this OP.

Op dfod. And find something proper with actual risk to worry about than this fabricated thing.