Even if IABU, should I ignore my gut instinct in regards to a new male worker in DS's nursery?

[iphoneaddict]

DH said when he collected DS1 (age 5) from nursery today there was a new male worker in his room. There has never been a male worker there before.

I know most of you will say IABU but I feel very uneasy about this. DH is indifferent.

I know only a small percent of men are abusers and I know women are capable of abusing children and have been convicted of such offences - but I would still prefer him to be looked after by females at this young age.

The vast majority of sex abusers i hear about in the news are men and, whether this is fair or not, this makes me feel slightly less trusting towards men in general this regard. For example, if DS went missing in a shopping centre and was found by someone and looked after for a few minutes I would feel more comfortable if that person happened to be a women.

I also know that children are more likely to be abused by someone they know like a family member or friend of the family rather than by someone like a nursery worker.

DS has occasional accidents in nursery when he's distracted playing with his friends and doesn't make the toilet on time - and I would be extremely unhappy to have a male worker changing his clothes etc.

I know some people think its great to have a male influence for the children rather than an all female staff but this is not important to me. DS interacts regularly with our male relatives and friends so he is not missing out in that regard. I know that is not the case for all children.

DH heard my views and feels a bit sorry for the male worker who he says is just trying to make a living. However, for me my primary concern is feeling my children are as safe as possible.

Also, my other concern is DS2 (age 1). He is in the same nursery in another room. Sometimes the staff swap between the rooms. If the new male worker was in DS2's room - I would probably switch nurseries.

I was thinking maybe about talking to the nursery manager to get some reassurances that he will just be doing classroom work rather than changing clothes etc. I imagine I might come across as a bit OTT for expressing my concerns?

I'm sure many (maybe all?) of you think IABU and irrational about this - but do you think I should ignore my gut feeling on this because it is the politically correct thing to do.

[Catsize]

I had to read the OP a few times to work out on what basis this gut feeling was based. Nothing, other than gender. Just shocking. I would love to see more men in these roles.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Kozmic, I don't know the details of that case intimately of course but as far as I remember she abused the children and took photos of the abuse. She also used objects ( sorry) that she had easy access to in order to abuse, which should not have been accessible to her, nor should her mobile phone. These were all unsafe procedures which are not allowed in decent settings.

[Catsize]

I wondered that too tripe. Can't believe someone can write this with sincerity.

[formerbabe]

How can you have a gut instinct over someone you have not met?!

What you actually have is an over active imagination influenced by the media particularly the tabloid press.

[Misspixietrix]

Just picking up on this bit "I'd be extremely unhappy fo. A male worker to change his clothes". Eh? Where are you from again OP? As you said you're not in UK. Even the woman workers In Ds Nursery werent allowed to change their clothes after an accident. Put gloves on and child has to change themselves and they would bag clothes up for them etc in case they got accused of something sinister. Then again they're not allowed to put cream on when a child's eczema is flared up neither...because of attitudes like this.

[Sirzy]

Miss - there is no reason why childcare workers shouldn't be helping children change, or putting on cream when they need it - as long as they have proper safeguarding systems in place.

That is why in most early years setting the childrens toilets are 'open' so the area outside the cubicles can be easily seen into by anyone

[UriGeller]

My son trained to be a nursery worker and did an apprenticeship in one and has now started to train to be a Child Psychologist.

The blatant discrimination he came up against from parents and other nursery staff was horrible. I'm glad he doesn't do that job anymore, I feel genuinely sorry for any man who has the ability and drive to work with children, when a lot of children need a responsible, consistent male caregiver in their lives but has to put up with discrimination and being told daily that "You're a weirdo" and "we're all keeping a close eye on you incase you do something inappropriate".

Most children have a Dad who loves and cares for them. He's a man too.

[PunkrockerGirl]

Yabu. What happens when dc starts full time school and possibly has a male teacher? Would you refuse ds medical care from a male doctor/nurse? This gives me the absolute rage. My own ds aged 22 has just started work as a teaching assistant with a view to doing his pgce next year and he wants to teach primary age children aged 4 upwards. He is male, this does not make him a child abuser.

[DrOwh]

I don't know if the OP is real or not but I know a person in RL who totally thinks like this.

Her husband BEST friend is a lovely guy who is a sahp with two daughters and she also think this is very wrong because the MAN should be the breadwinner and the woman should cook and look after the children. This guy us trying to become a CM and she is utterly disgusted by this.
She also is racist and homophobic and hardly socialises outside her religious group.
Unfortunetely she is my neighbour and I work with her husband sometimes and our children are friends and do one after school activity together so it is diffucult for me to go NC with her.

[kozmicblues]

Of course men can do a 'womans job.' What used to be assocated as being a heavily dominated female profession - sewing, cooking, hairdressing, care work etc - these stereotyped female roles, should no longer exist. That mindest doesn't exist in my world anyway. No one cares if a male sews or cuts hair anymore - why would you? I really am not stuck in a 20s mindset. What I am specifically talking about is roles that involve working closely with children. Young children. Nursery age and younger. I know you can't wrap your children in bubble for ever. I had a lot of positive male teachers. And a few creepy ones. One of my high school teachers was arrested for having a sexual relationship with a student. One of my primary school teachers used to talk about women in a very sexist and sexual way. He used to draw lude drawing and make crass jokes. Everyone seemed to know that he was a bit off but nobody ever did anything. Sorry, ramble, just got me thinking.. But I am saying I get why the OP feels uncomfortable. I hope that woman rots in hell also. What she did was appaulling, putting it lightly. I know what I am saying is not politically correct, when I say I wouldn't use a male nursery worker. But people specifically ask for female doctors rather than male doctors all the time. Is this not being sexist or discriminating in some way? I am not saying these two things are the same. Probably a bad example. What I am saying is, I choose to have female staff over male. As you can see, a lot of people disagree with me. But it is my right to make that choice, even if it makes me look like an arse.

[perplexedpirate]

OP, you have 2 sons.
Fast forward twenty years and imagine someone having this attitude towards them.
Stinks, doesn't it?

[puntasticusername]

OP, I'm glad you now realise that you were being extremely unreasonable in this matter.

I'm very sympathetic about the fact that you have some unusual levels of anxiety about your son due to the past events you allude to, but you should be addressing these anxieties in the proper manner rather than by channeling them towards random strangers who are, in all probability, entirely innocent of the crimes you are imagining

[susiey]

You are being so unreasonable !

I work in child care and see the effect a male worker has on a room the kids love it!
The facts are you are more likely to be abused by a close family member or family friend. I really dislike this not trusting males to do childcare thing in society .

[adoptmama]

Prejudice: 'preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience'

24 hour TV news and shows like CSI which present psychopaths murdering strangers as common in every neighbourhood have created a nation of terrified and paranoid parents who believe they are keeping their children safe by controlling every aspect of their lives.

You are not keeping you children safe - they were already safe.

They live in the safest society we have ever created!

Unfortunately the OP is simply the rather frightening and logical end result of the risk assessing, litigation fearing, bogey-man spotting culture we have created. We have lost the ability to actually assess risk. We see it everywhere - from carrying a cup of tea in McDonalds to having warnings on washing machines not to switch on with a child inside. We are bombarded with parenting books which tell us if we just do things this way we will get it right.

Men are not a risk to children. Period.

[Misspixietrix]

No one cares if a male sews or cuts hair anymore so why should you precisely. So why should people care that a male has entered into Childcare world. It's just silly to mark them out as 'potentially off' just because of their gender as the OP has done here...especially considering she hasn't even met him!

[Tanith]

I'm concerned by some posters stating that most abusers are male. That's actually not true. Most are female.

Regarding sexual abuse, we don't know. Most convicted paedophiles are male, but there was a widely held belief until very recently that women simply weren't capable of sexual abuse. Many victims of female abuse were disbelieved.

Logically, it's likely that there are as many female sexual abusers as male. However, the vast majority of men and women do not sexually abuse children.

Op, by the way, you are being unreasonable. I work with my DH as childminders. Neither of us are abusers.

[RuddyDuck]

As others have said, sexual abuse is incredibly rare. Of course it is horrific and no-one wants their child to be at risk from it, but the most likely perpetrators are within the family or close network of friends. OP would you not let your ds go to a friend's house if an adult male was going to be there? How are you going to protect them from these potential male abusers you think are lurking everywhere?

I think it is so sad that the OP and some others here hold outdated and frankly dangerous attitudes about what is a "correct" job for a man.

[FutTheShuckUp]

No kozmicblue it is not your right to ask not to have a male worker look after your child, just because you feel it is your right to be a bigot doesn't make it true. Just like I couldn't demand a 'foreigner' didn't look after me in hospital

[Stinklebell]

This attitude makes me really sad.

DH used to be a football coach, we have 2 girls who aren't interested in football in the slightest, and he was subjected to all kinds of gossip and speculation as to why he would coach a football team when "he has girls"

And more recently as a School governor, he helps in out class sometimes, has helped on school trips, etc - he has always refused to go into the classes our children are in so it's "weird", "why would a man do that?"

DH loves kids, is a massive kid himself and enjoys it. It's sad that he is subjected to this narrow minded nonsense

[Greenkit]

My daughter did a Level 2 childcare course with a 22yr old man as she said he was amazing with the kids.

[shakethetree]

When my son was 4 he had a male swimming instructor, he would get in the pool with the children to show them the correct arm positions etc, ( this was 10 years ago so not sure that's allowed now? ) the parents were able to sit & watch from the viewing gallery but most didn't. I never once thought my son was at risk, it didn't even cross my mind. My son absolutely adored him & still remembers him to this day. Ds has ( & has had ) fantastic female teachers too of course, it's great that he's had a good mix from such a young age.

[Icimoi]

What bothers me about OP's post is that mention of "politically correct". It's the standard terminology used by people to sneer at perfectly rational views, particularly those which are tolerant and rational, and I'm afraid it doesn't sit well with the suggestion that her views are the result of a previous bad child care experience. As people have pointed out, accepting male nursery workers has nothing to do with political correctness, it's simply rational and sensible.

[kozmicblues]

I just thought that people were being pretty harsh to the OP.

Calling her a troll etc

People were accusing her of being a sexist bigot and then calling her "crazy" and "mad"

These are offensive and derogitary terms used relating to people with mental health issues

I just thought I'd share my view, as it is obviously the minority, as she seemed to be jumped on.

And I could see where she was coming from

It is one thing to say someone is being unreasonable and then there are those just saying she's 'crazy' and not really offering a different view point or helpful advice.

Apologies about sounding incensitive about the female nursery worker - I may have misunderstood some critical details of the case

I have had experiences and know of male sexual abuses, so yes, that may colour my opinion

I still think it is understandable for people to have these concerns about young children being put into care for the first time, even if it is considered Un-PC

It is one of my biggest concers, and a lot of people sound like it didn't even enter their minds - or ask about safety procedures, test how easy it would be to walk in and take your child out of nursery without anyone questioning etc

It might make me sound neurotic - I am actually pretty chill in general really, but surely this is one of the biggest cocerns of any parent and everyones like "pffft you're cray"

[MushroomSoup]

I had a parent come to my school to tell me that under no circumstances should her child be in a male teacher's class. Her reasoning was similar to yours - men aren't to be trusted with children.
I told her that I didn't think my school was right for her child.

[MushroomSoup]

On the other hand, I've had parents coming to talk to me who say 'we know we are BU, paranoid and overly protective but we have issues about our child being in a man's class. Please help us manage our own anxieties.'

That's much easier to do.