Even if IABU, should I ignore my gut instinct in regards to a new male worker in DS's nursery?

[iphoneaddict]

DH said when he collected DS1 (age 5) from nursery today there was a new male worker in his room. There has never been a male worker there before.

I know most of you will say IABU but I feel very uneasy about this. DH is indifferent.

I know only a small percent of men are abusers and I know women are capable of abusing children and have been convicted of such offences - but I would still prefer him to be looked after by females at this young age.

The vast majority of sex abusers i hear about in the news are men and, whether this is fair or not, this makes me feel slightly less trusting towards men in general this regard. For example, if DS went missing in a shopping centre and was found by someone and looked after for a few minutes I would feel more comfortable if that person happened to be a women.

I also know that children are more likely to be abused by someone they know like a family member or friend of the family rather than by someone like a nursery worker.

DS has occasional accidents in nursery when he's distracted playing with his friends and doesn't make the toilet on time - and I would be extremely unhappy to have a male worker changing his clothes etc.

I know some people think its great to have a male influence for the children rather than an all female staff but this is not important to me. DS interacts regularly with our male relatives and friends so he is not missing out in that regard. I know that is not the case for all children.

DH heard my views and feels a bit sorry for the male worker who he says is just trying to make a living. However, for me my primary concern is feeling my children are as safe as possible.

Also, my other concern is DS2 (age 1). He is in the same nursery in another room. Sometimes the staff swap between the rooms. If the new male worker was in DS2's room - I would probably switch nurseries.

I was thinking maybe about talking to the nursery manager to get some reassurances that he will just be doing classroom work rather than changing clothes etc. I imagine I might come across as a bit OTT for expressing my concerns?

I'm sure many (maybe all?) of you think IABU and irrational about this - but do you think I should ignore my gut feeling on this because it is the politically correct thing to do.

Op here again

I'm drip-feeding now -(but anyway)- we have had a previously very bad experience with childcare to the extent that I strongly considered giving up my job because DH & myself were very nervous putting our children back into childcare. In the end we decided that financially it was not realistic to do this so we put them back in childcare. It took a long time to feel comfortable with this - I felt very guilty and worried about them.

Maybe the above explains a little why I'm being irrational or anxious

I'm not trying to use this as an excuse for my views but just trying to give a fuller picture.

Yabu and yes you should ignore your 'instinct'.

Honestly.

You're not just unreasonable but also downright offensive. You haven't even met the guy. Shame on you. You have sons? How would you feel if someone basically treated them like a presumed pervert simply because of their gender? God above...

I can honestly say that if there was a male worker at my son's nursery, the thought of him being an abuser would not even occur to me. I find it bizarre that this was your first thought!

It isn't a 'gut feeling' - as others have said, it's irrational and unfounded prejudice. It isn't 'political correctness' to prevent yourself from expressing such blind prejudice, it is simply 'being a sensible person'.

It would be very sad if you were to speak to the manager expecting that this worker was to be treated with suspicion on his workplace and not allowed to fulfill the normal duties of his job in case he is a paedophile. Ridiculously insulting and an outright bizarre assumption to make.

I second UncleT's post.

I've read some disgusting and offensive tripe on AIBU but this takes the . Shameful, absolutely shameful.

Actually I've just realised that the only male at my DS2s preschool is the owner/manager. I wonder if that is because of views like yours?

How about you get to know him, find out his qualifications and what experience he has, and then decide if he is suitable to teach/care for your child.

Is that previous bad experience that was not enough to make you give up work connected to this young lad? You are being completely irrational and also offensive.

OP, you are probably being overprotective, but if something strikes you as fishy, you should your son for your own peace of mind. You can't leave your kid with people you don't trust. End of.

you should move your son*

Absolutely disgusting attitude to have.

I'm sorry but there must be some issues you have here.

Ds1 (2.5) has a male key worker at nursery. He is wonderful and ds1 responds really well to him. Ds2 (1) is at the same nursery and will eventually also be cared for by the same nursery nurse. I couldn't be happier. Dp is currently training to be a higher level ta, and will hopefully work in a primary school. That doesn't make him weird, just someone who wants to work with kids and has an aptitude for it.
It is no wonder that many young men still grow up with the attitude that caring for kids is a woman's job when their own mothers perpetuate such nonsense. How very sad.

my daughter had male workers from aged 1 (in nappies) to age 5 (toilet trained) and they were often the most fun from kids point of view. Men have a different approach and tend to play more than 'care' as such, so kids generally love them.

Two were musicians and the daycare job paid the bills while they were free to play music (and often did do to the children and got them to dance). Another was a pediatric student chiropracter...he was gorgeous and used the time to understand kids better. The last one was a gay man who desperately wanted to be a dad. They were all fabulous in different ways and my daughter loved them....never had a moments doubt about them.

And the toilet area was designed so that staff could see in ...made it easier to manage adequate staff numbers/ensure kids did not play in toilet area and of course assuage any concerns about improper behaviour.

Think you are completely irrational unless you ensure your child is NEVER alone with a male who is not their father.

OP

If my son (when he's a adult, of course!), wanted to work with children of both sexes as a career, should I tell him to get all his bits removed, otherwise he will automatically be considered a pervert? After all...no bits (balls & knob) no threat...yes?

Or would you prefer an un-remobable male chastity device placed on all males dealing with children, until they retire?

Maybe the guy is gay, but that doesn't mean that he wants to have sex with children DOES IT?

Lastly...have you heard any rumors going around the gates? If so report them to the nursery as you might save a guy's life & career.

If you can't be arsed not too, then you'll have "blood" on your hands, when the poor bloke is "sacked/asked to leave" & commits suicide.

Harsh post?...maybe it is? I'll leave that up other people to decide.

The male worker in my daughter's creche was just lovely. The other teachers complained that as soon as he arrived on the premises all the children would leave them to crowd around him.

As I was a single mother I was even more delighted, obviously.

I'm a great believer in gut instincts, but you haven't even met this man

Joining the chorus of YABUs.
You have a gut instinct about a man you have never met ffs.Wind your neck in,OP.

As a side note, my children's primary school has an equal number of male and female teachers.
We consider the children to be very lucky indeed,they have positive role models of both sexes working with them, helping them to develop into confident, happy,well educated children.

I think that given the lack of make role models in many children's lives it is a shame there aren't more make nursery workers.

Your husband is right and you are wrong, OP.

Not at all harsh Real. Any kind of perceived or direct undeserved accusation against such a man could have truly devastating consequences. Do you know if he has kids of his own? Do you know his experience, qualifications or references from former employers? Do you know ANYTHING much about him other than his gender and where he works?? I hope to God you keep this kind of crap to yourself. The starting of any kind of rumour on this basis really could ruin a decent person's life, or even end it. It's probably one of men's worst nightmares to be wrongly accused of sexual abuse of any kind. So long as the guy does a good job, let him get on with it and show him some respect.

This makes me so sad. DDs' daycare (nursery - also not in UK) gave out notices advising of a new staff member due to start soon. This was standard practice but also had a line about how if any parents had any 'concerns' they should speak with the manager. This line had never appeared in any similar notices before. I can only assume this line was added as it was a male worker.

Happily, the manager reported that she had had nothing but positive feedback from parents, mostly delighted that the children would see a male in this role.

This seems like the bad old days when women were ridiculed if they wanted to work in engineering or other traditional 'male' spheres. Nobody would think it reasonable to question a woman engineer these days.

YAB beyond U OP! I was hoping this was a wind-up!

Already really eloquently put by PP but I just wanted to add that I hope this bigotry won't pass to your son. Maybe you should get help. People like you are part of the reason highly skilled and qualified chaps must be reluctant to work in childcare. Disgusting attitude.

you are being totally unreasonable to be so fearful, but if you are so concerned, to put your mind at rest, why don't you simply ask the nursery what background checks they do on staff before they hire them. Don't ask specfically about this man as you will come across as a lunatic. But at least they can reassure you as to the process of police checks etc they go thru before hiring someone.

You do need to get a little perspective though as to how likely children are to be abused by a stranger because you are going to drive yourself absolutely mad if you continue to react in this way towards innocent men who are simply trying to earn a living.

Iphoneaddict perhaps you have other issues you feel anxious about in regards to your children's safety?

Maybe you would benefit from discussing these fears with a healthcare professional

YABVU, Op, because you are not talking about "gut instinct" but about your bigotry and prejudice.

I have 2 ds, in their teens. One regularly babysits, he has also volunteered to help with the local cub group as part of his D of E. If he decided he would like a career in childcare, teaching or nursing children, I would be fully supportive. However, I would have some trepidation because of the fact that he might face irrational prejudice from people like you.

You haven't even met this nursery worker, you have jumped to conclusions and said you will act upon your prejudice ( you will switch nurseries if this worker is put in the same room as your ds2???).

As others have pointed out, your ds will one day be grown up -will you then tell them to keep away from children because some people will believe them to be child abusers purely because they are male?

Op do you have a touch of anxiety anyway when it comes to the kids? Sometimes our instinct to protect can get a bit out of kilter and we see danger in places we don't need to.

Meet the dude.. you'll probably be alright or better than you feel now.

If the nursery is generally well-managed and you trust the owners/managers you should do as everyone else says and relax.

If you don't trust the nursery you should withdraw your DC.

Honestly get a grip. We have a male assistant at dd nursery / pre school he is adored by the children and respected by the parents. When dd had a temp and I was called DD was obviously ill he was caring for her in a way I would hope anyone would when I was not there. Why don't you meet him first before going off in the deep end.