Even if IABU, should I ignore my gut instinct in regards to a new male worker in DS's nursery?

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DH said when he collected DS1 (age 5) from nursery today there was a new male worker in his room. There has never been a male worker there before.

I know most of you will say IABU but I feel very uneasy about this. DH is indifferent.

I know only a small percent of men are abusers and I know women are capable of abusing children and have been convicted of such offences - but I would still prefer him to be looked after by females at this young age.

The vast majority of sex abusers i hear about in the news are men and, whether this is fair or not, this makes me feel slightly less trusting towards men in general this regard. For example, if DS went missing in a shopping centre and was found by someone and looked after for a few minutes I would feel more comfortable if that person happened to be a women.

I also know that children are more likely to be abused by someone they know like a family member or friend of the family rather than by someone like a nursery worker.

DS has occasional accidents in nursery when he's distracted playing with his friends and doesn't make the toilet on time - and I would be extremely unhappy to have a male worker changing his clothes etc.

I know some people think its great to have a male influence for the children rather than an all female staff but this is not important to me. DS interacts regularly with our male relatives and friends so he is not missing out in that regard. I know that is not the case for all children.

DH heard my views and feels a bit sorry for the male worker who he says is just trying to make a living. However, for me my primary concern is feeling my children are as safe as possible.

Also, my other concern is DS2 (age 1). He is in the same nursery in another room. Sometimes the staff swap between the rooms. If the new male worker was in DS2's room - I would probably switch nurseries.

I was thinking maybe about talking to the nursery manager to get some reassurances that he will just be doing classroom work rather than changing clothes etc. I imagine I might come across as a bit OTT for expressing my concerns?

I'm sure many (maybe all?) of you think IABU and irrational about this - but do you think I should ignore my gut feeling on this because it is the politically correct thing to do.

YAB completely unreasonable. A persons sex has nothing to do with their ability to look after your child. Do you allow male members of your family to look after your child? What happens when they going to be of school age. Will you be objecting to them too?

As WO in we try to fight against stereotypes all of the time, as do other minority groups, yet you have made a judgement about someone before you have even met them!!!!

OP, this is your child. You need to feel comfortable with his care. It doesn't matter if others think this doesn't matter, it matters to you.

In the words of the genius Scroobious Pip
'Not every man over the age of 30 who plays with a kid that is not there own is a paedophile, some people are just nice'

Their not there. Sweet Jesus!

Grennie how can that be said if she hasn't met the man!! Fair enough if she has met him but she admitted she hasn't!!

She's a stereotypical bigot who needs to deal with her anxiety!

grennie

But there is no concern!! The worker has not done a thing to Warrant the op to worry.

You cannot dictate the sex of employees of establishments that have children in them.
This is no different to her having concerns for someone being black.

No she can't dictate the sex of employees in a nursery. But I do think parents need to be happy with the childcare they use. Parents prioritise things all the time that others will see of no importance or even a bit strange. It doesn't matter. She needs to be happy with the childcare she is paying for.

Child care means - taking care of the child. The child is being presumably looked after well. Fed, comforted, stimulated etc. They are doing their job. This isn't a child care issue.its a discrimination issue. The op has not even met him.

Some people are paedophiles and some a people who are not paedophiles commit sex crimesa against children (a statement which is accurate but will no doubt confuse some people). Paedophiles and child sex offenders can be either gender. Some men commit sex crimes against children, women or men. However cleaerly not all men are sex offenders or paedophiles. Just as not all women are. And just as a woman has a right to seek employment as an engineer or astro-physicist or any other 'male' job or play football or rugby or any other 'male' sport without being labelled 'butch', 'lesbian' or viewed as someone who is about to rape the nearest man or boy, so too do men have the right to seek careers in caring roles which some outdated views would label 'women's jobs'. And they have the right be free from accusation, gossip, innuendo or vicitimised by vile suggestions when the do so.

PeggyH, it is not the case that people are suggesting she simply ignore a genuine reason - or gut instinct - about the young man in question. Gut instinct in generally accepted to mean a feeling you have which has developed in a particular situation due to previous experiences. So, if she had a 'gut feeling' about this man it would be because his actions or demeanor gave her a reason to feel something was not quite right.

The OP doesn't have a 'gut feeling' because she has never seen, met or spoken to the man in question. Her DH has, and she admits he thinks she is over-reacting and he saw nothing wrong with the nursery worker. I repeat - she has never. even. seen. him.

Her entire reason for taking against the nursery worker is because he is male.

He hasn't actually done anything wrong. He hasn't done anything suspicious.

Would posters advise her to ignore her so-called 'gut-feeling' (which is nothing more than paranoid prejudice) if the member of staff were a woman? Of course they would. Because she has no reason to think someone she has never met is going to abuse her child simply because they are of a particular gender.

Iwasinamandbunit ((( ))) hugs.

I think you are exceptionally brave, not just in posting as you have done, but in facing unimaginable demons. You sound like a very strong and amazing mother.

There is a male Nursery Nurse in the class/room where DD will be going from September. He is only young - around 18 to 20 I would guess but lovely with the children. The Nursery Manager did say to me though, that it was very rare to have a man applying for a nursery job nowadays - as they are put off by people's assumptions that they must be up to no good .

There are 4 members of staff in the room - I am not at all put off by 1 of them being male. Women can be "up to no good" too very sadly. All we can do is choose an environment for our DCs that we feel to be safe. Either that or keep them at home or ever, which isn't all that practical.

If the OP for some reason only wanted a man to offer childcare to her young child, I would support that too. Parents need to be happy with the childcare they are using.

OP, YABU, but you admitted that relatively early on so hopefully you can work past your worries which you know come from your own fears not really from this person.

Why would you support that?

Would you support her only wanting white people to look after her child? Or straight people?

Massively sexist OP.

If you don't like it please move your children from the nursery. Please don't raise your concerns with the nursery - you will look like a sexist nutter! I feel sorry for the poor lad - guilty in your eyes already. Can you imagine the fuss if a dad said he didn't want a woman caring for his son at nursery - would think he is bonkers!

I would think she is wrong to want that, but parents need to choose the childcare they are happy with.

Surely it matters who clicks with the child. Who the child trusts. Who does a good job. Not what's between their legs.

But how can she be unhappy with some one she's NOT MET!!!???

I would hope that nursery/childcare work is going to stop being seen as women's work and that male workers will become very common and then you won't get OP's reaction.

I haven't read the entire thread so sorry if I've missed anything but I think that this is really sad.

My brother was looking for a new career not so long ago as he was fed up and I suggested nursery nursing as he's great with kids, he said he'd have really liked to but wouldn't be able to handle the discrimination of being labelled a pedo, weirdo or doing a woman's job.

I think it's gender stereotyping against men but also women.

No she can't dictate the sex of employees in a nursery. But I do think parents need to be happy with the childcare they use. Parents prioritise things all the time that others will see of no importance or even a bit strange. It doesn't matter. She needs to be happy with the childcare she is paying for

If she wants to exercise prejudice against people she's not yet met she can remove her child, I suppose. Doubt she's get any kind of assurance her bigoted attitude will be upheld anywhere else though.

Well, would anybody be claiming that mom should ignore her gut instinct if the nursery worker was a woman?

her gut insticnt is this man is a pervert who is going to touch her son when he is changing his nappy , she is uncomfortable with male nursery workers because they must AL be perverts who play with little boys when they have no nappy on

OP if your son grew up and wanted to work with young children would your instant gut feeling be that of what is he up to why does he want to work with babies/toddlers ?

I haven't read the whole thread, but as a lesbian parent of two girls (who have regular contact with their father) I would be delighted if they were cared by a male nursery worker. Not only because it would give them normalised contact with a man, but primarily because it would teach them that caring for small children is not, contrary to their experience to date, women's work, paid and valued accordingly. So YAVDBU