Even if IABU, should I ignore my gut instinct in regards to a new male worker in DS's nursery?

[iphoneaddict]

DH said when he collected DS1 (age 5) from nursery today there was a new male worker in his room. There has never been a male worker there before.

I know most of you will say IABU but I feel very uneasy about this. DH is indifferent.

I know only a small percent of men are abusers and I know women are capable of abusing children and have been convicted of such offences - but I would still prefer him to be looked after by females at this young age.

The vast majority of sex abusers i hear about in the news are men and, whether this is fair or not, this makes me feel slightly less trusting towards men in general this regard. For example, if DS went missing in a shopping centre and was found by someone and looked after for a few minutes I would feel more comfortable if that person happened to be a women.

I also know that children are more likely to be abused by someone they know like a family member or friend of the family rather than by someone like a nursery worker.

DS has occasional accidents in nursery when he's distracted playing with his friends and doesn't make the toilet on time - and I would be extremely unhappy to have a male worker changing his clothes etc.

I know some people think its great to have a male influence for the children rather than an all female staff but this is not important to me. DS interacts regularly with our male relatives and friends so he is not missing out in that regard. I know that is not the case for all children.

DH heard my views and feels a bit sorry for the male worker who he says is just trying to make a living. However, for me my primary concern is feeling my children are as safe as possible.

Also, my other concern is DS2 (age 1). He is in the same nursery in another room. Sometimes the staff swap between the rooms. If the new male worker was in DS2's room - I would probably switch nurseries.

I was thinking maybe about talking to the nursery manager to get some reassurances that he will just be doing classroom work rather than changing clothes etc. I imagine I might come across as a bit OTT for expressing my concerns?

I'm sure many (maybe all?) of you think IABU and irrational about this - but do you think I should ignore my gut feeling on this because it is the politically correct thing to do.

oohdaddypig rtft. It was in reference to your poor understanding and application of statistics. Try looking at your capacity to follow a discussion before telling someone to pull their head in.

ohdaddypig, we are capable of having a discussion but you now seem to be suggesting that men should not be permitted to look after (female only?) children as they might have to clean their genitals. Do you honestly think that banning 50% of the population from childcare roles is something children would benefit from?

And where do you draw the line, out of interest? Is DH allow to wipe our DD (also 3)? What about her uncle? Grandfather? DH's best friend who he has known for ~35 years and who sometimes babysits? Or is it only men who actually work in childcare who you object to even though family and friends are more likely to abuse?

Sooty - it was actually a very badly made point by you then - and insulting to me, to boot.

No, ohdaddypig, I was comparing your gender prejudice on the basis of statistics to racial prejudice on the basis of statistics and asking what makes one acceptable to you, and the other not.

Perfectly there's every reason in the world to 'keep slating her' for this blind, offensive prejudice. Would you be saying that if someone was making such an assumption about a woman purely based on her gender?

Op you are mixing up gut feeling with moronic knee jerk prejudice.

Signing off now. Off to netmums!! Much nicer over there, dont you know. Less pent up nastiness.

Good luck OP. FWIW perhaps a quiet word with the nursery might alleviate your concerns.

oohdaddypig Perhaps you'll find StatisticallyChallengedand her point easier to understand and less insulting to you.

Don't let the door hit your (ill-informed and prejudiced) arse on the way out!

yes I think Netmums would suit you better ohhdaddypig - a bit more easy for you to understand and a bit more peadow hysteria for you to tap into

enjoy xxxxxxx

I'm sure you'll be happier at Netmums if they're ok with blind prejudice over there.

If the OP has a quiet word with nursery along the lines she suggested I hope they'll alleviate her concerns by suggesting she takes her children elsewhere.

'more easy' oh my dear lord - easier I meant easier!

A quiet word to say what exactly?

Bugger, both oohdaddypig and the OP have left the thread without answering my question. When do I have to start building my DS a cage?

That's ok Cookiepants, they couldn't answer my questions either. Funny how when you ask people to clarify and explain prejudices and their boundaries they suddenly become unable to.

On second thoughts my DH is a nure and leads a children's activity group, maybe it's him I should be worried about.

Indeed statisticallychallenged, funny that

cookie but they can still interact with people in a cage.

A cabin in the woods surrounded by poison ivy, electric fencing, Barbed wire and a force field should work better.

Damn these boys being born

And oohdaddypig never did say whether she thought it was ok for men to look after non verbal and otherwise vulnerable adults. Perhaps the question was too taxing for her.

oohdaddypig I'm not sure why you say you are 'not allowed' to have these discussions on MN. Seems like this is a discussion? Just because there are not equal numbers for both sides doesn't mean it isn't a discussion.

The OPs original point was to ask if she was being unreasonable and 'politically correct' to ignore her 'gut instinct' about a man working in her 5 year old DS's nursery. She has never seen the man, never mind met or spoken to him.

She has no 'gut instinct' - she has an irrational fear, fueled by the perception TV shows and 24 hour media have given us that our children are at constant risk from predators.

I do not have an issue with male members of staff changing or cleaning my DD. I do not mind them wiping her bottom. I do not see them as predators. I see them as fellow human beings who are as repulsed by the idea of child sex abuse as I am. I am not repulsed by the idea of child sex abuse because I am female, but because I believe with every fibre of my being it is wrong. I do not believe I hold the moral high ground over men because I am female - I think they will all believe the same as me. Except for that very tiny, tiny percentage who are paedophiles. Safeguarding, in terms of back ground checks, is fool proof in no country. However to work with children in the UK (I appreciate the OP is out of the UK) you must provide police checks from your own country/last country of residency if you are coming from abroad.

It is very sad that the motives of men who want to work with children are questioned. There are so many wonderful male teachers, nursery workers, disability workers, youth volunteers, nurses, paediatricians etc out there. Must we question the motivation of every male who wants to work with children, or only the ones with 'lower level' qualifications like nursery staff or TAs? Is a male paediatrician above suspicion because of his level of education?

Of course we find, on their arrest and prosecution, that many paedophiles have sought jobs and volunteer opportunities in areas where they will have close contact with children. We also see many, many cases were paedophiles groom women and enter into relationships with them purely to gain unsupervised access to her children. So whilst it is therefore accurate to say that male paedophiles often seek to work or volunteer with children it cannot be presented as a de facto argument that, in consequence, men who seek to work with children are more likely to be paedophiles. Just as we cannot say that men who date single mothers are more likely to be paedophiles.

I understand why you fear a male may abuse your child. Everyone of us, deep down, probably fears the same. Just as we fear the child-snatcher and the terrorist. However if we are to give our children healthy role models in life and not transmit unreasonable, biased, prejudiced and unfounded ideas about others to them as they grow, we must also try to develop the insight into our own attitudes that allows us to identify when we are being reasonable. And when we are not.

True Giles, maybe a males only commune high in the alps, surrounded by high and spiky fences.

Although I may have identified a problem with the continuation of the human race, although scientists could work on that right?

If they can clone a sheep I'm sure they can deal with a male free procreation problem!! :)

If I were in charge of the place and a parent came to me and said "I'm concerned that you have a man working here" instead of something like "I'm concerned about the conduct of x member of staff" then I too would show the bigot where the door is.

Great post adoptmama