to be annoyed that dp wants a takeaway?

[nw0401]

so im in the middle of cooking tea (honey glazed gammon) and dp has just woke up, come in the kitchen and said he wants a takeaway. I told him ive got gammon on and he said I can have that, him and ds1 will have a takeaway - so I threw a strop! AIBU to be utterly pissed off with him?!

thank you all for your comments, you really have made me see things more clearly. its been a while since I let it all out. I am quite fed up of doing things to keep him quiet and it really is time I stopped being a whimp and put my foot down. although I wont be leaving him any time soon I will certainly read the abusive relationships thread and hopefully theres a way we can get past this

I think it's telling that you are wondering why you stropped, what you could have done differently, how you can make things better. You already cooked food he likes, because he likes it and he turned his nose up at it and shouted at you to order him a take away. Most people on this thread are saying that their OH wouldn't get past the first part of that.

Reasonable OH: you're cooking, I'll eat what I'm given.
Still reasonable but getting less so OH: I don't like veg based cooking, could we have more meat, please?
Unreasonable OH: I've slept through you cooking me a meat based dinner. Now I want take away.
Really fucking nasty OH: Order me take away or I will whinge and shout at you like a petulant 3 yo.

It doesn't matter how nice he is sometimes, that is shitty. HE needs to change his behaviour.

So how do you propose to fix things by yourself? You're on script for sure.
It takes both parties to work, talk and compromise to make a happy family behind closed doors. What you will see on the threads you are about to read is the slow realisation from women slogging their guts out to work both sides of the equation that he has to want to change and usually that doesn't happen because you're there because that's how he likes things. Because your happiness, dignity and self worth actually mean fuck all as long as you shut up and do as you're told.

If it was just you, well fear and material gain is your choice. But you have dc to think about. I'm sorry to be rude but as the child of an abusive parent you're a fool if you think they will thank you for the years of misery and that as they get older and become separate little people they will escape his temper - he's a good dad rings really hollow, and is not true because nobody ever said 'my dad was amazing even though he treated my mum like shit and if I didn't expect my needs to be met, or do anything he didn't like'.
It's your choice, but do keep on thinking & if you accept less than you deserve for yourself don't for your children.

Oh my the same thing happened today. I had tea prepared kids sorted and when DH gets home "let's have chinese...you go..." NO seriously will have tomorrow...he is mardy and gone to bed !

ohbyethen - thanks you really have summed things up for me. ive been sat here in the dark thinking for the past hour. I know we cant carry on this way. he might be quite happy to but im certainly not. its just hard to believe how much he changes sometimes. im having a good read on the other threads and I guess my first step would be to sit down and talk with him, make him aware of how he treats me sometimes and see what his response is.

thankyou mumsnet for helping me see a bit of sense

imnotmymum - wish mine would just be mardy and go to bed!

Good luck puddings. See you on the Relationships board if you need some help with it.

And the bonus of a nice chilled glass of wine (bottle) to myself. Men eh! Do not realise what thought we put in to dinner etc to have a lovely Friday night then "all about me"

We will all be here, ongoing support. I know you want to try talking to him and fair enough... but this is what will happen.

a) He will buy you a bunch of petrol station flowers and say he's sorry. And continue to strop whenever he feels like it. It's never about the actual thing he's complaining about - whatever you do, he will find something to criticize, because the point is that you are inferior and need to know your place.

b) He will tell you that it's all your fault for being 'unreasonable' enough to expect him to treat you like a person rather than a Hoover with tits on.

c) He will immediately turn it into a row, and then he will hit you. Because you have 'gone too far' by trying to stand up for yourself.

my2puddings -

Which is going to hurt the most ? The first black eye he gives you or subsequent ones ?

How many times is he going to humiliate you so the abuse doesn't show in front of the children ?

I can't believe how choked I have got reading this (croc of shit ?)

He arbitrarily declines to eat a meal that you are cooking. He wants a takeaway. He makes you order it. What whining juvenile cunt have you allowed to father your children, I mean really ? Just WTAF is that about ?

Peace at any price ? He's got you over a barrel then hasn't he ?

You are enabling his behaviour and you are minimising it. It's what abused partners do. It's heartbreaking reading your defence of his actions.

confused?

Threads like this make me glad I'm single! I was in a similar situation with my ex, he's got his own place now. I work and have two children, and am better off without him in many ways!
Are you going to speak to him about his behaviour op?

im planning on doing. although we'll be out today and my sister will be with us. im pretty sure dp doesnt even realise anythings up.

My heart breaks for you OP. You're defending his behaviour by saying you 'wind him up'. What, by saying he can't have a takeaway?

How old are you & your partner, if you don't mind me asking, he sounds very immature. I'd be interested to know what the relationship between his parents is like. He may have learnt this behaviour from them. And sadly if you let this continue your boys will also learn that this is how you treat women.

Good luck. X

Just read this. I hate to say it but I think solidgold has it right.

I feel for you, and looking at what you've written from an outsider's perspective his behaviour is just awful. It's struck a chord with me because I've also got a 9 month old, and can't imagine doing all this with a partner who makes life harder, not easier. Shouting whilst trying to get the baby to sleep?!

You say you're worried about DS growing up without a dad, but I think that would be better than a dad who teaches them to treat their partner in this way. I can understand being frightened of the future if you've been with this man since you were 16, but there's so much more out there.

Best of luck x

I accidentally burnt some food recently. When my husband complained, I found the 'Butterfly's theme tune (apologies to those who are to young to remember his series), and played it loudly. I think hubby went without food that night!

im 23, hes 25. so we are still both young, weve been together 7 years, my friends went off to various unis, I had to grow up fast for my kids sake. I think to myself things will get better as we get older and he'll chill out more. his work has stressed him out more this past year or so, he says he'd love to stay at home with the kids doing cooking cleaning etc so ive been thinking about finding a job. only thing is my wage wouldnt be as good as his so we'd have less money and id miss the kids like mad - Im with them 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

If you find a job, you will still be doing all the housework and childcare. There will be some mysterious important reason why he can't do it. And you might not be able to keep your job for long, especially if it involves you mixing with other people who, you know, treat you like a person and boost your self-esteem. This man will sabotage your job in a variety of ways - he will cause - or invent - a crisis at home so you need to leave work suddenly; he may phone you repeatedly, or be rude to your colleagues and accuse you of having sex with them.
He's effectively isolated you to a good extent already. The core of it is he is an abusive man who dislikes women.

This man will sabotage your job in a variety of ways - he will cause - or invent - a crisis at home so you need to leave work suddenly; he may phone you repeatedly, or be rude to your colleagues and accuse you of having sex with them.

How in gods name do you deduce that

It's a common script, Caruthers unfortunately. I'm with Solid in that it may well turn out this way, unfortunately.

he honestly isnt as bad as it seems. he works hard, and he might not do cooking/cleaning but he does a LOT of work on the house (this last year hes changed the front garden into a driveway, dug all our back garden up and got it looking lovely, and added a big extension) so considering how lazy some men are I think im lucky in that sense. he does have a bit of a temper but not to the extreme some men do. I think ive just somehow managed to let us settle into a bad routine without even realising - where if he wants something I do it/get it usually without question so hes got used to it - but now ive let it get too far, hes used to getting what he wants, if he doesnt he strops. so yes I am partly to blame for letting it get this far (still doesnt excuse his behaiviour I know) and im hoping to try and break this bad habit actually having a very good day today. earlier he swept and mopped ALL the floors, tidied ds1 bedroom up, then hoovered ALL the carpets, he also asked me to get something for him, I said I was busy, he got it himself. not quite sure what's gotten into him but im certainly not complaining, at least it's a start.....

im ..... im sat here (doing nothing) - hes going round with a cloth and antibacterial spray (and ds1 in tow) cleaning every skirting board, every door/door frame, every window. who is this man?! not sure what to think, is this guilt about last night?!

I am very sorry for you OP. You are allowing this behavior in not saying you refuse to be treated this way.

But if you insist he stays, force him to attend some marriage counseling. It actually can help, that is why people go....if you really want to stay with him, at least turn him into someone with respect and manners who doesn't bully you.