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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that dp wants a takeaway?

114 replies

nw0401 · 14/03/2014 17:47

so im in the middle of cooking tea (honey glazed gammon) and dp has just woke up, come in the kitchen and said he wants a takeaway. I told him ive got gammon on and he said I can have that, him and ds1 will have a takeaway - so I threw a strop! AIBU to be utterly pissed off with him?!

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 14/03/2014 20:03

I would have made him order it himself if he wanted it!

catwithflowers · 14/03/2014 20:05

Why on earth does he need you to order it for him? Can he not use the telephone? He sounds rude and weird, sorry!

Oldraver · 14/03/2014 20:09

Why the fuck did you order it for him ? Is he not capable of picking up the phone ? Stop sulking and say no

my2puddings · 14/03/2014 20:12

I told him if he wants a takeout then to go and order a takeout - but he still kept going onnnn and onnnn - so I ordered just to shut him up. he does have a bit of a temper and does like to call the shots (in my opinion) but then he says im the one that calls the shots dont really see how but if he thinks that then fine. we have 2 young boys and it isnt really fair for them to get caught up in a petty argument over some gammon! although I am still sat in the other room cos I really cant be arsed with him now tonight!

also he thinks we have an unlimited supply of money - then when I tell him we have x amount money in the bank he'll be like why've we only got that much left!

Chippednailvarnish · 14/03/2014 20:16

To use my favourite MN quote; If you think your DP is probably a wanker, it's because he is.

MyPrettyToes · 14/03/2014 20:16

The reason he keeps being a twat and treating you like a skivvy is that because you allow him to. You actually ordered his take away "to shut him up". Seriously?

pussycatdoll · 14/03/2014 20:20

Can't believe you ordered it for him
You're a mug & now you can't moan he didn't eat your dinner
Sorry op but honestly !

Bloodyteenagers · 14/03/2014 20:21

This has to be a wind up surely?
No one can pander to someone this much..
You cook for him, he decides he doesn't want it, he wants a takeaway.. Then you order it for him?
Unfuckingbelievable.
No wonder you are treated like a servant because you are acting like one.
Big deal he works.
This doesn't excuse him from being a pathetic excuse of a lazy arse.
He can cook. He can clean. He can wash up.
You are not his mum.
I am really amazed that people live like this.

rookiemater · 14/03/2014 20:22

See this is how a similar situation went in our house.

DH rings up at 5pm "Have you got dinner planned?"
Me: "Yes roast chicken in the oven - why?"
Him " Oh I fancied a takeaway, never mind roast chicken sounds nice, see you later."

That's how a normal adult would handle that situation, particularly if you're on a tight budget.

my2puddings · 14/03/2014 20:23

you havent heard him shout! honestly I know I shouldnt have but I dont see how I have much choice when im trying to get a 9 month old to sleep and hes stood at the door stressing his bollocks off that im being 'petty' and 'awkward' and 'not ordering through spite' - he can get REALLY wound up (but for some reason its generally only me that pushes his buttons) and I hate to see that side of him so I give in before it gets too far.

ThinkLikeASpoooooon · 14/03/2014 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyPrettyToes · 14/03/2014 20:26

my2puddings, this isn't about just the dinner/takeaway. Why are you with this man?This isn't a way to live. You and dc deserve better than an abusive swine like him. He is horrible.

crashbangboom · 14/03/2014 20:31

Ltb

Bloodyteenagers · 14/03/2014 20:32

He shouts at you?
Fuck that.
You deserve respect.
Tell him to get the fuck out of the house. Once he has respect for you. Has had anger management. You might take him back.

This is no way to live your life. Backing down and bowing down to some cunts wants because he shouts.

Things will only get worse. You have the power to change this.

If you cannot do it for you. Do it for your children. You are at the moment raising another generation of this manchild.

Botanicbaby · 14/03/2014 20:34

he sounds really controlling OP. like you say its not just about the bloody gammon.

first thing - stop cooking what he likes if he's going to change his mind about it just when you're ready to serve it up. second thing - please don't order his takeaway for him when he's refused a perfectly good meal that you've taken the trouble to make AND you're trying to save money.

third thing - don't let him twist it round and make it out to be your fault and that you're the one in a strop.

easier said than done I know but you need to turn the tables here, you are pandering to his whims and he's getting away with it. No wonder you wish you were single!

my2puddings · 14/03/2014 20:41

gawd I feel emotional tonight! ive no friends locally so never speak about anything to anyone. who would have thought posting on mumsnet about gammon would have got me talking/thinking about the 'bigger picture'

so hes got a bit of a temper but only on the odd occasion when I somehow manage to really wind him up. all other times hes great. he loves the boys to bits. the thought of leaving has crossed my mind before, but only when weve had an argument and then the next day everything seems great and I would never even dream of leaving. weve been together since I were 16 so I dont really know anything besides him. weve got our own house together which we fully refurbished (hes in construction industry) and everything is just how I want it - besides his temper and the way he thinks sometimes

my2puddings · 14/03/2014 20:47

my mum brought me up on her own. I think its important for boys to have their dad around. I always wanted that 'family life' - mum, dad, kids, nice house etc etc. I have that now and would hate to lose it - ending up single raising 2 kids, not heading nowhere and in a run down house on benefits. If we didnt have kids and the house then im pretty sure we'd no longer be together. but then we do have kids, and I do love the 'nice' side of him, and I couodnt imagine life without him

my2puddings · 14/03/2014 20:54

dam! all this brought up because he didnt want some bloody gammon. think I best go hide away in a corner now before I get slaughtered for not putting my foot down! I really have tried but anyone whos been in this position will know how hard it is - its not as easy as 'oh hes a little controlling and can sometimes get aggressive so im going to pack my bags and leave' - theres always millions of reasons stopping you and im not sure I could ever bring myself to split up the family. I always think I could end up MUCH worse than being with someone who occasionally has a bad temper

SolidGoldBrass · 14/03/2014 20:56

Oh shit, i just knew this was coming. I'm sorry love but your partner is abusive. And he's just going to get worse.
Tonight's row wasn't really about food, it was all part of his ongoing strategy to keep you unsettled, unhappy and desperate to placate your 'owner'. He sees himself as the head of the household and you as something along the lines of a domestic animal which needs putting in its place regularly.
I would seriously suggest you have a chat with Women's Aid and/or go on the thread on here about living in abusive relationships. You will get lots of help and support. But no one should have to live with an abuser - it's vad for your sons as well as for you.

Bloodyteenagers · 14/03/2014 20:56

Why would you end up on benefits? It is possible to have children and work?
Why would it be that if you told him that's it, the boys wouldn't have a dad? Of course they would, if he is a decent human and gave a shit about anyone other than himself.
It is daft to stay together simply for the sake of children. They are not stupid and they know.

You have 3 option ---
Stay and be a doormat for all the males in the house. Because sadly, chances are the boys will also start to treat you like shit, with full support of their dad.

Grow a pair of balls and say no more. You are not being treated like shit and this is how it is going to be. He does things around the house. He also cooks and washes up. When you cook, he either eats it or starves. His choice. As a family, you will meal plan.

Or you kick him out.

Bunbaker · 14/03/2014 20:57

"I think it's a bit rude of him - is he offering to pay out of his own money?"

That comment would be irrelevant in our house because we pool al of our money. We don't have his money and her money.

my2puddings · 14/03/2014 20:59

and botanicbaby - from now on teas will be what me and the kids like, he can do as he pleases.

I know I need to put my foot down, I hate it when something tiny turns into a full scale row.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2014 21:01

Your partner is abusive. I'm really sorry. You need to think about your options. Your DSs need a great Dad but do they need a man around who shouts at their mother until she does what she is told?

my2puddings · 14/03/2014 21:20

I understand what you're all saying, I really do. we genuinely are happy most of the time, although I admit life pretty much revolves around the kids. surely this should be worked at rather than run away from? to look at us you'd think we're a brilliant family together, he knows he gets wound up sometimes (always seems to be over something minor), he always apologises in the end, but for some reason its only me that winds him up that way. maybe its an anger problem or maybe I do genuinely piss him off by being an awkward cow at times. I dont know. I just know I am happy majority of the time and cant imagine him not being here. I was pissed that he didnt want tea, but I could have just said ok, it will do for butts, we'll have takeout, was there really any need for me to strop about it which turn wound him up? maybe im just blind to it. who knows. I just know id like to try and make things work so we can genuinely be that happy little family behind closed doors

Botanicbaby · 14/03/2014 21:23

OP - good on you, its a waste of time cooking what he likes (been there, done that as well and it always had to be expensive meat-based dishes never easy, quick veggie meals which I quite like).

I know exactly that feeling of helplessness and wanting to keep the status quo, seems easier and less disruptive than splitting up in the long run. But its not. I think SGB has good advice to read the thread about people living in abusive relationships, you shouldn't have to put up with this life. You and your DC deserve a lot better

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