to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

[MrsHamsterCheeks]

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

nanny if my child exploded like that at me i'd be seriously examining my parenting and working out how they'd built up so much hurt and pain that it had reached the stage of a fearless of consequences rage outburst.

that doesn't come from nowhere.

no i'd not be happy to be spoken to like that BUT if i had been hurting and rejecting and ignoring my child consistently for a long period and ignoring their attempts to tell me how it made me feel and ask me to show them some love and attention then it would be understandable that it eventually came out like that and it would be my decision whether to use it as a wake up call and snap out of being a shit parent who was hurting my child or i could just tell the child off, bring out the me big you small and completely gloss over and continue the neglect that had brought it on.

He did care, he went bright red and flustered and mumbled something about dd being a little Madame. No he did not stand up and say yes you are right I am a rubbish parent, but her internalised it and got embarassed

so going red and flustering and mumbling insults is effective parenting now?

But the way she spoke to him is disgusting, in my eyes. Supercilious cutting 7 year old girls need to be taken down a peg, to be honest.

Not sure I agree that children should not speak their minds when they have assessed a situation and have an opinion, especially if it is something they deem unfair.

Take a child down too many pegs, and you raise a girl to be a woman unable to speak her mind in face of injustices and unfair treatment.

I think some women are conditioned this way, and end up in crap relationships where they dont speak their minds, and thread on eggshells instead.

It is a shame that it has come to this in your family though, OP. It should not have been your dds role to say anything.
She must see him as very manipulative, using her to give impressions to you about his parenting.

my mum allowed me to behave a bit like this towards my dad as a child. She allowed us to be pretty dhoddy towards him so she could point score. I didn't understand what I was doing at the time.
My dad was not a bad dad he just parented differently to her and they their own issues.
When I remember these times I feel sad and ashamed. My relationship with my mother is fucked (for lots of reasons) and my dad died after years of dementia before I could apologise.
OP sort your shit out with your dp stop involving your dd.

'Respect must be earned'

What a load of crock.

I have no idea what my 82 year old neighbour has done in her life. But I respect her.
I have no idea what the Sainsbury check out girl of about 19 years old has done in her life but I respect her.

This dp sounds a bit twatty but as far as I can tell, is a bit lazy. Not really crime of the century and something we are all guilty of on occasion.
Your dd sounds deeply precocious and I would urge you to deal with this because she will only suffer for it as she grows older.

Lass I was trying to make my points eloquently and in a manner that the OP would find helpful, as she said herself, her dd is very bright and switched on and how the OP is not really wanting advice, just reassurance that her view is the correct one. May I be so bold as to add that MN is not the place for that. Perhaps talk to your dd instead .

And I was also raised by a stepfather that I was quite horrid to as a child, whether I thought he deserved it or not. After my own mother had had quite enough of trying to talk nicely and saying how she understood it was difficult etc she sat us both down for a meeting. Explained that parents aren't infallible, in fact far from it, and that neither am I. Sometimes we all make mistakes but by acting like a petulant know it all I lose the moral high ground (looking back now I'm a parent myself, my dad did jolly well not to make me live in the shed). We all made a huge effort with one another, accepted that there were some foibles that we couldn't change (I cried at the slightest thing, mum sighed a lots, dad shouted at the tv whilst watched sports).

Me and Dad are great buddies and I really respect him and love him greatly, regardless of the earlier nonsense.
You have to let some things go, only the OP can decide that and really stick to your guns on other matters.
I for one second suggesting that OP discusses with her dd that she is disrespecting her life choices. Just trying to highlight potential reasons for the behaviour, that a 7 year old may not be able to conclude.
This little girl is only 7, depending on her birthday she could still be in infants. She is far too little to have to coach the adults into parenting her to a style she approves of. She has no clue (poor soul).

It makes no difference if the dp or dd is right or wrong. It seems the changes have to come from the OP. It's really simple, you talk to your dp and you are together and agree on how to move forward and how you address issues with the children. Your children will then respect you both equally and not play one off against the other. Option 2, carry on as you are and you and dp could end up resenting each other, dc will end resenting one, or both of you as well, this will be end up being a rather unhappy family.

is she YOUR child in his mind still when she's problematic to him?

The OP has made it clear that is how she considers the dynamic - when her DP parents her DD in a way she disagrees with (such as himexpecting her to come to the table when asked) then the OP undermines him and gives her DD permission to ignore him.

Not a surprise than, then he leaves parenting to the OP.

I'd be interested to know what the OP would have done if her DP had reprimanded her DD for her disrespect? Had told her that it was not her concern what her DSis had eaten and that was for adults to worry about. Would you have backed him up, OP, or would you have told her that her stepdad was out of line to correct her in that manner ?

I haven't read the whole thread, but what struck me was that you were quite pleased your dd voiced what you were thinking?

You really need to deal with any issues you have regarding the splitting of chores etc. And let your dd know this is your place, and not hers to fight your corner.

she asked him to come play with her, he refused then snuck up into her room to make it look like he had.

he was on his phone all evening when she was asking for stuff because her mum was busy with the baby and housework.

he consistently can't be arsed to pay attention to her.

why does she have to pick up her mum's feelings? she's got cause for plenty of her own to build up.

There's a reason she does so well at school and acts out at home. Boundaries! The school will have set meal times and won't allow her to tell the teachers off. As parents, you and your partner need to be on the same page about what behaviour you allow so she can't play you off against each other. Let her know that it's OK to be upset and talk to you about it but it's not OK to tell adults off like that. Talk through your issues with your partner privately but present a united front to your children. Your 7 year old really should not have to worry about whether he is doing enough around the house.

Enjoyingmycoffee - that is because you dont really know them, and you respect them because you have no reason to disrespect them.

OPs dd has reason to disrespect her stepdad.

I'd be absolutely amazed if the little tirade came from your daughter totally independently. I donor believe in the slightest that she would have formulated those ideas about the division of labour and his inadequacies without some sort of prompting or at least hearing arguing or you moaning to someone else.

Either way she severely overstepped the mark thinking it is her place to a, speak to an adult in that manner and b, interfere in your relationship.

Seriously, if at her age she is showing such a complete lack of respect to her stepfather how on earth are you going to stop her reading the riot act to other adults.

topaz there are several options as to why she does well at school and not with her step dad at home - one may be fairness, another may be not being ignored and sidelined consistently by someone she loves there, another may be that she doesn't have a teacher that sits on her arse ignoring everyone's needs whilst the teaching assistant runs around doing everything. it may be that behaving well, politely and with respect is her 'normal' behaviour just like hte OP has said and that this out of character outburst has built up.

at what point would people stop this united front business? when their partner was consistently horrible to their child? if they hit them? if they were abusive to you in front of your child? or maybe when the child reaches a certain age and it would be patently ridiculous to present a united front where it is quite clear you are two separate people with opinions and ways of your own?

this thread is providing quite the insight into how gender roles and inequality are reproduced over the generations and how so many women are primed for tolerating abusive or generally shit relationships.

this thread is providing quite the insight into how gender roles and inequality are reproduced over the generations and how so many women are primed for tolerating abusive or generally shit relationships.

My thoughts exactly, thanks for expressing them.

Another AIBU that the OP completely ignores the replies to.

I would think what a rude, opinionated little brat. She could rule the bloody world and be head of countless teams but with an attitude like that she won't be very well liked.

So those that think the OP's daughter was right to speak her mind- I assume that you would be more than happy for your DC to speak to you like that about your parenting?

I would hope that they would-in a polite manner. The problem here is that she hasn't been able to and she has suddenly let it all out.
It is a bit suspect because it is what her mother thinks and she knows this without the mother having to vocalise it.
All the time when I am out I see parents with a baby or toddler and they are on their phone! You think 'put it away-speak to the child' -therefore I can see why the child resents it.

I have no idea what my 82 year old neighbour has done in her life. But I respect her.
I have no idea what the Sainsbury check out girl of about 19 years old has done in her life but I respect her.

I don't unless they have earned it. I will be polite and considerate, but I will politely and firmly point it out if they are in the wrong.
Either the 82yr old or the 19yr old being on the phone while speaking to me is rude. I would expect at least a 'excuse me, do you mind........' whoever they are.

Children need to have a voice (a polite one) or this is where abuse takes place because they must respect and not speak out against an adult.

I agree with Quint. What message does it send to young girls that when they speak the truth about men behaving badly, they are the ones who get punished? OP I think if you'd posted this over in Feminism you would have gotten a much different response.

DD didn't shout or yell insults or have a temper tantrum. She saw the DP pretending to play with her, yet again, and called him out on his bullshit.

OP it saddens me that the focus of your post is whether or not you should discipline your DD. Your DP is a crap parent and you should be trying to figure out what to do about it.

I can't believe people are defending a man who, let's see: feeds a 14 month old nothing but chips and crisps all day, spends hours on his phone instead of interacting with his children, sits on his arse playing while his wife does 100% of the housework and childcare, and flat-out lies and pretends he has been playing with them. And that's just today! FFS.

Completely agree HoneyBadger

HoneyBadger is right about women being primed to tolerate abusive relationships. One of the really depressing things about this thread is the use of sexist terminology like "right little madam". Heaven forbid that little girls should speak their own minds. They should be seen but not heard, right?

Remind me what decade we're in - the 1970s?

OP I haven't hada chance to read all of this thread so commenting may not be wise, however I think the real issue here is your relationship with your DP. Paragraph 3 in your opening reads as very resentful, possibly with good reason, paragraph 4 rings some alarm bells.
You need to talk to DP, in a very open and honest way. And sooner rather than later. I may be wrong, as with all messaging services its impossible to get full picture eg body language tone of voice etc, so I am literally going on what you have written. And trying to give some advice since that's what you have asked for.
Good luck OP these conversations are never easy, and before you open a dialogue with DP make sure a) it really is out of earshot from DD and b) think about all the issues you want to discuss and keep it as calm as possible so it doesn't become a huge argument.

Honeybadger is completely correct. Young girls need to be able to state the facts in any given situation, even if it is uncomfortable to the parents or other adults.

Jane I agree, we will agree to disagree. I agree with a lot on here. Ok he is not the worlds best parent, but it does not sound like you value or respect him to allow your dd to speak to him like that, it does nit sound like he is able to parent her how he should. Is it you who is allowed to parent your dd. it dies not sound like he has the confidence to, mabey the lack of United front. Mabey he feels undermined by you, it certainly shows through your dd. if you don't show him respect, or talk down to him, she will think it's ok to. There seems to be a lot of martyr parents in here, who never trip up or do anything wrong. All that I can see that's wrong is tgat he's on the phone a bit too much, bit of a lazy parent. You should address this in private with him, and talk to him about it and how to move forward. If your going to be a blended family, he should also be responsible fir parenting both children how (within reason) he sees fit.