to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

[MrsHamsterCheeks]

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

Exactly theHoneyBadger -it has been an eye opener to me.
The message appears to be that if you are living in a dysfunctional family you 'put up and shut up' -smile and put up a united front to the world.

The big problem with OP is that she has a poor relationship with her DP and instead of addressing it she allows her DD to parrot it for her and is secretly pleased. She squares it by saying that she has never spoken to her DD about it-she doesn't need to-her DD isn't stupid and doesn't need the words!

OP and DP are the ones who need to deal with their own relationship.

There's so much back and forth on this thread. It comes down to basics - no boundaries. That is the fault of the parents. A 7 year old child who has outbursts like this is carrying too much weight on her shoulders, because adults won't step up and deal with their issues.

Whats OP doing about her man who feeds a baby chips & crisps all day, sits around on his phone and leaves all housework and childcare to OP? Nothing?

Very probably doing it all and venting to/around her daughter instead of sitting down and trying to fix things. No, a 7 year old girl should NOT be calling him out on this - a girl isn't there to do a woman's job. Being able to speak out as & when she wants..good..I hope the world stays fine for her and it won't be a shock when she finds, not everyone is going to put up with that. I wouldn't. OP is creating a rod for her own back not dealing with family issues..& her daughter will likely grow up with massive disrespect for her. There is such a thing as letting children become aware of things way too early, and believing you are empowering them by giving them a 'big' voice & say in what does and doesn't go on. How about allowing them to be a child, not caught up in worrying, annoying, saddening family issues? Where are the boundaries? A child's right to be a child?

& there are holes in this story. Hence Im not sure from whats been said I actually believe this man sits around all day and the daughter has now told him off and all this while, OP has just been sitting by. I don't think OP truly wants advice, its mostly about being defensive. I feel sorry for the child, the family dynamics are skewered.

TheHoneyBadger

Presenting a united front on parenting issues is about not putting the child in the middle of parental problems or putting the pressure on them to decide their meal times and discipline adults. It's also about not giving a child the power to play her parents off against each other. I absolutely did not suggest ignoring abuse. I think you have misunderstood. I did say the OP should discuss the relationship issues with her partner not ignore the situation but not drag her daughter into it. That's too much pressure on a 7 year old. I was simply suggesting the parents should be consistent about things like breakfast time and manners to provide stability for the child. At the moment the step dad encouraging her to eat her food before it gets cold is being seen by the OP as "he just doesn't seem to get her anymore." And they clearly have different ideas on how she should address adults. This will just be confusing for her.

The most sensible post on here MistressDeeCee-well said. I don't see how anyone can argue with that!

I would feel the same about this situation if the DC in question was a boy.

It has nothing to do with a girl 'not having a voice' it's the OP using the child as her voice.

Incidentally when I say I was the sort of child who would "speak her mind" and say that kind of stuff... it did me no favours being allowed to - it made things very difficult for me socially and rather lonely as a kid

^THIS^

apart from my earlier comments that your family dynamics are highly skewed & you are puppet mastering your DD to do your dirty work & need to sort yourself out big time & be a PARENT not a friend who leans too much on a small child.

DD has a friend who she has known since tiny, another precocious DD who without the skewed family dynamics, is allowed to be too much of a princess with her say & doing things her way. Her family who are lovely, see it as "leadership qualities" & she has never been pulled down to a normal level by her family over any situation she has acted up on & we know them well.

You can maybe laugh at a 7 year old who thinks their way is the right way all the time & they deserve centre stage in everything, think it cute, but if you do not teach them boundaries, they do not learn that actually, as an adult or older DC they will be seen as obnoxious brats that no one actually likes, because they have no clue how to listen, emphasise & share limelight with others, leading to a preteen who become more & more unbalanced & demanding of the limelight & not understanding why their friends are disappearing :(

On a trip out recently I had this same DD try & take over gathering up the others & telling them where we should be walking & off they went - in the pitch black, in a very dangerous situation, I was left with no choice but to scream sergeant major style to get them back to safety & she was visibly angry with me for doing so & sulked for the rest if the day.

11 yr old DD said only yesterday that for the sake of harmony in school she has put up with the girl who was her best friend for years, but she just cannot stand her any more & is so glad she no longer has to put up with her antics & never wants to see her again -

its so sad, because she is a lovely kid, from a lovely family, but she just doesn't get that she is not the centre of EVERYONES world, can't always call the shots on EVERYTHING & often embarrasses herself because she desperately wants the limelight ALL the time - it makes her very very unpopular & my very kind hearted, tolerant DD isn't the only one who doesn't like her any more & can't wait to get rid of her :(

& I do believe kids deserve a voice, mine too was very precious, more so than yours by the sound of it, 2 years ahead is nothing but she would never dream of doing what your DD did, & I would never have accepted it if she did

You seriously need to stop only taking on board the very few posters who agree with you, grow a back none & sort out your family dynamics - for both of your DDs sake

MistressDeeCee has said everything I would have wanted to say about this thread.

mistressDeeCee you have banged the nail on the head there.
I feel exactly the same way about this as you do. You articulated that really well.

There is such a thing as letting children become aware of things way too early, and believing you are empowering them by giving them a 'big' voice & say in what does and doesn't go on. How about allowing them to be a child, not caught up in worrying, annoying, saddening family issues? Where are the boundaries? A child's right to be a child?

Hear hear.

I totally agree mistressceecee, op needs to sort out this situation, allow her child to be a child and not feel she is responsible for tge situations adults create

I totally agree with that statement too Pictish, she is not responsible for adult problems, op and her partner have to sort it out.

Mistressceecee -I wholeheartedly agree!

Sorry not read the full thread, but whether or not she had a point is irrelevant, she is a child and as such should not be speaking to an adult in this manner. YABU to have not pulled her up on it at the time and i definitely think you need to have a discussion about her with regards to appropriate respect to an adult

Your DP needs to start pulling his weight and this should be a wake up call to you both, but more worrying for me is why the sudden change in their behaviour towards each other?

-does she have contact with her dad - could something have been said there?
-has DP's behaviour changed since dd2 came along?
-could she be jealous now that she has to share your attention and lashing out at DP instead of you?
-has something upset her at school and this is her way of vocalising it
-could it be more sinister?

Please deal with her attitude if not the facts of what she said or you will have issues as she grows up!

Sorry haven't read the full thread but...
I see the DP not acting like an adult - more like a child.
Sitting around playing on his phone, hiding things and sneaking around, 'pretending' to OP.
It sounds like DD was more frustrated with another child, a sibling than a parent.
Therefore I think DD speaking her mind isn't as rude or shocking as some people seem to think. I wouldn't be worried about her outburst being to an adult.
I think DP has to get his act together and be a parent. Take some responsibility. Op and Dp need to sort themselves out.
And I doubt it will be easy.
My Dp (real father) worked long hours when our DCs were really small. When he saw them (a few hours a week) he had fun with them, they did silly fun things and he behaved like a big kid. Now he has been around more for the last couple of years, it has been shock. For a start sometimes the DCs think he is joking when he is serious. When he disciplined them it was a shock. He often has massive arguments with DD1 (13), mainly because he thinks she should automatically respect him (I would never dare to speak to my father like that kind of things) and she often does treat him like a sibling. They both have privately said they don't like each other (DP because she is rude to him and DD1 because he is grumpy all the time now) - I'm in the middle trying to sort it out....
OP I would act ASAP - deal with DP and his child-like behaviour - could it be you treat him that way?

Mistress has got it exactly!

She sounds like a very rude child! You let her get away with it!?
You need to sort out your relationship rather than letting your child do it for you.
Yes your dp sounds lazy but It's not your daughter's jobto say so.
Who else is she allowed to talk to like that?

From your post about her berating him for using his mobile, and then saying that you were 'too busy' for her to speak to... She sounds very manipulative and seems to think she can say what she likes.

You're defending her to the death now which I respect, I can only imagine how you'll react when she turns this onto you. Which she will. Because you've given her permission to act this way.

I don't think this is indicative of a massive problem.

I do think your DD was a little rude, but probably speaking out of frustration and it mainly seems to be aimed at phone use by your DP.

It nay be that his reaction was out of shock, he blustered a bit, hence his words. If I was spoken to like that by a 7 year old (I do have an outspoken 7 year old, but not in the same way as yours), I think I'd be a bit shocked.

Just out of interest, does she see her Dad? Just wondering if she's seeking a father figure, or her outburst was down to being upset at what she perceives as his lack of interest. Have they had a good relationship previously?

I gave a friend with a 7 year old, C. C's Dad pretty much abandoned her when her Mum had cancer about 3/4 years ago and, as a result, she has a difficult relationship with her Mum's fiance of 2 years. It's almost as if she's testing him in some way.

Wow. There are some posters on here with real issues. I feel sorry for their daughters. This is how women end up in abusive relationships, scared to say anything for fear of rocking the boat or being seen as not 'knowing their place'.

An eye-opener and a very sad one.

No lovecat, the girl was rude to the dp, she should show respect, but of course of she is has anything that is bothering her she should be able to tell her mum. I am sure many of us were nit rude like op dd, but who are not in abusive relationships . Yes she is a child and should be allowed to be without having to worry about op and her partners parenting! They should sort it out!

Look, OP, if you're pissed off with your DP, his phone usage and general disengagement with the children, say so. Don't use your DD as a shield. You know if he's pulling his weight or if your DD is being a drama llama, you know if your DD has a right to be annoyed at his lack of interest or not, you know if he's helping out enough at home or not. Don't make your DD bear that burden.

Mistressceecee has it spot on!

It may be a good idea to give your DD chance to express herself and encourage this, so she doesn't build it up to a point where it all explodes.

This does need sorting though.

My son, who is 7, told me last night that I made him feel lonely asi don't play with him very much. Also mentioned phone use. I was mortified, but we talked about it and im going to work very hard on it. Playing with him, daft as it may sound, doesn't come easy to me.

lovecat sorry but that's emotive and insulting to all of us who think the girl is being rude. I'd say the exact same thing if this were a boy doing the same.

Another one for mistressdee