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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

738 replies

MrsHamsterCheeks · 13/03/2014 22:55

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone Confused

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 14/03/2014 08:46

Aeroflotgirl, the daughter gave the facts. That is not disrespectful or bad manners. The stepfather did not like it, but that's not the daughter's fault.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2014 08:49

Yes but Jane she was rude with it. She could have told her mother. I read what she said to op dp about the chips and my jaw hit the floor. She stated facts but yes very rude

Pagwatch · 14/03/2014 08:52

I think the question of whether she was rude or not is very far from the point.

The whole dynamic sounds just awful and incredibly unhealthy for everyone involved.

Janethegirl · 14/03/2014 08:54

I do not feel the dd was rude at all, just stating the facts.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2014 08:55

She said tgat he had made dd 2 sick by giving her a tummy ache, and tgat he stuck her in front of Igglepiggle. It's not her place to say this, she needs firm boundaries.

fluffyraggies · 14/03/2014 08:56

First and foremost ask him to leave the damn phone alone as a matter of urgency. Kids do know when a parent is pretending to take notice of them. A few may pull you up on it when they're old enough to articulate themselves, but most will just give up hoping for/expecting their parents attention long before that :(

Second, If you agree with all the things your DD said then take action to start getting that stuff sorted between you and DP.

Worrying about weather or not the girl should have voiced her opinion can be done once the adults are on the same page IMO.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2014 08:57

She was rude Jane, she stared the facts put was very very rude. I would not allow dd to speak to me or her dad like that. I would tell her whilst thanking her for being honest, it is not her place to tell people how to parent.

ExcuseTypos · 14/03/2014 08:57

Aeroflot my jaw hit the floor too but because I was incensed that a father had fed his baby dd chips and crisps when he knew she had a stomach ache!!

Sillylass79 · 14/03/2014 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2014 09:02

Yes definitely encouraging her to voice her opinions more respectfully, and to tell you if something really upsets her, but pulling up an adult to them, about their parenting inadequacies is unacceptable. She will find out when she is a parent that no parent is perfect. He gave dd2 too much chips, and she was sick, big deal. And stuck her in front of the TV whilst he looked on his phone, not ideal but no biggy. Sounds a bit of a tattle tale to me.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2014 09:04

Excuse she probably had it after feeding dd2 chips and crisps not when she had a tummy ach. At that age I don't think a baby is able to say that their tummy hurts.

wannaBe · 14/03/2014 09:05

incidentally, welcome to mumsnet. It is very fortuitous that you have found us what with your so very advanced dd who is two years ahead (in theory only of course, given the school system wouldn't actually* put her ahead by two years) and is head of all of those sports teams (presumably this is down to her advanced age as generally children do not do quite so much activity at quite such a young age... and what wiith you being about to ltb n all.... Hmm

Janethegirl · 14/03/2014 09:06

Aeroflotgirl, I guess that we will never agree on this. You consider the dd rude, I don't.

fluffyraggies · 14/03/2014 09:06

Why does a child have 'no place' to speak her mind in her own home to her own parents? Especially when what she is saying is true! She has seen failings in her s.fathers parenting and has been vocal about them.

She didn't use any rude words.

She wasnt spouting a load of pretentious crap, like ''i want a gold plated bike for xmas, i want to draw on the walls'', etc, she was making accurate observations about shit parenting.

Janethegirl · 14/03/2014 09:08

Totally agree fluffy

TheHoneyBadger · 14/03/2014 09:12

Hi OP

several points for me:

  1. why did he say, 'are you going to LET her speak to me like that? - surely they have a relationship after all this time and he should have dealt with it himself? or is she YOUR child in his mind still when she's problematic to him? he doesn't sound very adult at all in this exchange and should have been able to talk to her/tell her off/whatever rather than make it your issue as this was between them.
  1. has this resentment increased since the birth of DD2? how do you think that has impacted on their relationship?
  1. i would try and help dd reframe what she said into terms of her feelings re: I feel x when you do y, I feel like you don't care about me when you do z etc. does that make sense? she is perhaps too young to unpick her feelings and his disinterest at understanding her resentment and anger won't be helping. you shouldn't imo be having to facilitate this but given you are i would start with that - helping her unpick why she is angry, what it starts with re: sadness, rejection, hurt for example and how it escalates to rage. then if needs be facilitate her communicating those feelings to DP and ask him to respond to them.
  1. i don't think you are on track to a hideous teenager (i personally feel there's more chance of that when children are made to bottle things up and shut up and put up and be ruled purely by fear of upsetting an adult through their childhood and when they hit their teens and that blind obedience wears off it all comes out) but that you have an opportunity here for helping her understand her feelings, express them effectively and work out ways to change her relationship with him or cope better with it. though to be honest it's bloody sad if she just has to learn how to cope with feeling rejected, ignored, sidelined and unloved which i would suspect is how he is making her feel.

sorry bit long.

NewNameForSpring · 14/03/2014 09:12

I agree with you about the breakfast issue.

I sympathise with your daughter and her frustration, enormously.

What I don't understand is why all you are talking about is your daughter when it is your dp who sounds like an arsehole and who really needs to decide if he can put the effort into the family rather than his phone.

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2014 09:14

So those that think the OP's daughter was right to speak her mind- I assume that you would be more than happy for your DC to speak to you like that about your parenting?

Really?

TheOrchardKeeper · 14/03/2014 09:14

Agree that you need to be careful what rubs off on your kids. My mum was very open and an oversharer and I picked up on a lot. It actually led to me being depressed from about age ten til adulthood as I always felt second in command rather than a child. Especially as the older sibling.

It sounds like your dd also has too much on her shoulders for a kid her age.

It's up to you to change that.

Timetofly · 14/03/2014 09:14

I agree with Wannabe. Grin

TheHoneyBadger · 14/03/2014 09:15

and tbh if he doesn't engage with her feelings when she has expressed them appropriately, if he still ignores her, refuses to engage with her and offer emotional connection and interest after she has clearly expressed how it makes her feel i actually would LTB. i have no flameproof suit and don't care. if she tells him clearly she NEEDS more attention from him, that she needs to feel loved and important to him and that his disengagement is hurting her and he doesn't bother to address it then he's no kind of father or partner imo.

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2014 09:16

What I don't understand is why all you are talking about is your daughter when it is your dp who sounds like an arsehole and who really needs to decide if he can put the effort into the family rather than his phone.

I still think it's about the OP. She is using her daughter to raise the issues she should be raising herself.

behindthetimes · 14/03/2014 09:16

Read OP but not all responses. I had really mixed feelings about this, partly satisfaction that your DP got pulled up! Children do have a strong sense of what's right and wrong and it sounds like she just had enough. But I also agree with some of the other posters who saw the behaviour as disrespectful. What's done is now done, but I think I would take the approach of talking to DD and letting her know you understand her concerns, but that in future she should come to you first and not speak to her step-father in that way. And maybe a similar approach with DP, that you agree that she shouldn't have spoken that way but perhaps things need working on in their relationship.
Not clear whether he had a one off lazy day, which I think we all have, or if this is the norm, only you know that I suppose.

TheOrchardKeeper · 14/03/2014 09:16

ps you obviously haven't got to say as much for her to feel that way. She cares about you and her sister, sees how crap this situation is and is frustrated/angry.

TheOrchardKeeper · 14/03/2014 09:18

agree that she basically has told him he's being a crap parent, even if it was rude, and he doesn't seem to care.

Says a lot.