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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

738 replies

MrsHamsterCheeks · 13/03/2014 22:55

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone Confused

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

OP posts:
hackmum · 14/03/2014 08:12

I'm with Garlic too. Good on your DD for having a mind of her own and being astute enough to spot what an idle so-and-so your DH is.

Would much rather bring up a child who is independent-minded and willing to speak out rather than one who is too cowed because she has been forced to show respect to adults who haven't done anything to earn it.

Atbeckandcall · 14/03/2014 08:12

This thread has left me wondering all sorts and I'm in conflict with myself over it a bit.

I'm all for children expressing their unhappiness or displeasure in something, no doubt about that one bit. Not ok with then manner in which this op's dd did it though initially, I understand that OP you have spoken to her about that now though.

There are a couple of things that make my jaw drop though. Have you thought that her distaste for him and her behaviour towards him is I fact disrespectful to you?

Your dp is a life choice YOU have made, that has an impact on her. That is why you and your dp should be a united front. Your dd can see an obvious flaw and she is taking advantage of that and is using the divide and conquer method (as it were). That will give her a feeling of huge power that will be and probably is rather overwhelming.

As intellectually advanced as your dd is she it doesn't necessarily mean she is at the same level in processing her emotions, that's tricky to handle too.
Also, it's clear that you and dp parent differently (dp expects dd to come when called for food, perfectly reasonable in my opinion, you are happy to inform her it is there when she is ready). That is speaking volumes to your dd, and that is just a minor thing, heaven knows what else is glaringly obvious. You need to agree which one is ok with your dp and both stick to it, as with everything.

Perhaps that may address as to why dp is so seeming disinterested? Probably thinking why he's bothering when dd isn't listening when he calls her and is 'telling tales on him'. He possibly just sits on his phone so as to not communicate with her and not get himself a dressing down from her. Not saying that's right, but he may be just as upset by this situation as she is.

Good luck with everything.

AJH2007 · 14/03/2014 08:12

What Pictish said...

Sillylass79 · 14/03/2014 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExcuseTypos · 14/03/2014 08:23

I don't agree with pictish.

I ask my DH to switch his phone off if we are doing something and it keeps going off. It's basic manners to interact with the person, not the bloody phone. I expect the child is just so frustrated that the phone is ALWAYS coming before her, her mother and her sister.

WhisperingShadow · 14/03/2014 08:24

You do realise your stepfamily wont work if you allow a child to take control don't you? Resentment will follow and that will be it.

United front. And YOU tackle any issues with your DH.

TamerB · 14/03/2014 08:24

I can see lots of children in the future being on the 'but we took you to stately homes' threads. So many people seem to think they shouldn't have a voice.
She is an astute observer, as most children are, she picks up all the stuff under the surface. She spoke the truth as she sees it without ranting or name calling. It hit a nerve because the truth is generally uncomfortable.
She is living in a dysfunctional family so I don't she why she should just 'put up and shut up'. What she said was useful , if only to make people stop and think.
I bring up children to have a mind of their own and question everything, including parents. Respect has to be earned in my book- she has none for DP which is hardly a surprise.

Sillylass79 · 14/03/2014 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl · 14/03/2014 08:26

WhisperingShadow, I completely agree, but would add as well - your family wont work if you allow a child to take control...

cory · 14/03/2014 08:29

Don't people think there is some kind of middle ground between being too cowed to speak out and being disrespectful? Isn't that part of our job as parents to teach our children to find that middle ground, and help them to point out a problem without rubbing people up the wrong way? And isn't part of that teaching process for the adults to discuss the issues first and have some kind of plan?

You sound very passive here, as if you secretly enjoy seeing your dd do your dirty work. But your essential job, the most important part of what you are, is as dd's teacher. That means teaching her how to get her views across in a more pleasant manner and explaining to her where she goes wrong if she doesn't manage it. It also means teaching her what the rules are in the first place- which means you and your dp have got to agree on the rules: that is the end where you have to start.

I spent my childhood seething with resentment against an older relative and frequently spoke my mind in an unpleasant manner. There was some justification for the resentment but none for the way I behaved. In the process I managed to undermine his confidence longterm- and I wasn't doing myself any good either. What strikes me in retrospect is the question why my parents didn't do anything. They probably thought I had a point a lot of the time. But I still don't get why they didn't see that what I was doing wasn't good for anyone, least of all for me.

FrogbyAnotherName · 14/03/2014 08:31

sillylass Yes, and is behaving in a much more adult way than many of the parents we read about here who shout/hit/abuse their DW and DCs.

The OPs DH is applying a technique that is well documented and recommended in stepfamilies. He is not the DCs dad, and the OP has made it clear that their relationship is not parent-child, but stepparent-child.
The OPs DH is clearly prepared to practically support her - but he is distancing himself in other ways because the OP has already sent him the clear message that she doesn't agree with his parenting and as he is not the DCs parent, he has no say in her upbringing.

It will be interesting to see how much of a say he has in his own DCs life as the toddler gets older.

WhisperingShadow · 14/03/2014 08:32

I think what the DD said and her need to say it is one of the issues that needs to be discussed, but based on thepost it sounds like the DD is feeling the need to take control becsuse the adults will not.

Or she could just be a madame, who knows?

Lovecat · 14/03/2014 08:33

I feel so desperately sorry for your DD. Like Kepek, this has brought up all kinds of horrible memories of a childhood trapped in my parents' unhappy marriage with an abusive father and never being listened to until you just explode. And having been told what a rude, precocious little madam you are for your explosion, you implode and start self-harming instead.

OP, if you aren't happy with your DP' s behaviour, don't leave it to your child to sort it out. It's too much responsibility for a 7 yr old and you should be a lot angrier with yourself that it's come to this. And angrier with him for ignoring his children in favour of his phone. She sounds deeply unhappy. It's all very well being proud of her for speaking her mind - something I encourage my own DD to do - but this situation shouldn't have arisen for her to have to do so.

I'd be having a serious talk to your DP.

TamerB · 14/03/2014 08:33

Now she has made her point you can sort things out with DP so that she can go back to being the child.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2014 08:34

Yabvvu it is not her place to speak to your dp like that. If she is concerned she should talk to you, and you raise it with your dp. Sorry she sounds very rude. I was just going to ask, do you think that there is abuse going there. She doesent like being around him, several things you have said jumped out at me! Have you talked to her and ask why she really dislikes your dp! If it's just a clash of personalities, them she should not be talking like that to him, and you should pull her up on it. How is she going to respect him, if you allow her to do that!

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2014 08:39

She is just a child so still needs boundaries. You have to present a united front. Listen to her and broach it with your dp in private! Do not allow your dd to speak to your partner like that, there is one thing being honest, but being rude is not acceptable!

AbbeyBartlet · 14/03/2014 08:40

My cousin spoke to her parents like that at the same age (particularly her DF) - she is an adult now with her own child and she is incredibly disrespectful to her parents now, she treats them like shit. Her DD is also growing up the same way.

So YABU.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2014 08:40

It dies not sound as though you really respect him, more of a nusience and your dd might pick up on that, that is why she is speaking to him like that.

Janethegirl · 14/03/2014 08:42

Respect must be earned.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2014 08:43

Yes jane but there are manners and you don't go round speaking to people like that!

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2014 08:43

You're using your daughter to raise issues with your DP on your behalf.

She should not be speaking to him in that manner whatever the issues. He will never be in 'authority' over her if she's allowed to speak to him like that. How she is at school is an indication of the issue at home - she doesn't have to intervene there.

Sorry OP. Your relationship and how you are handling it is the root here. You need to be the parent, not your daughter.

Sillylass79 · 14/03/2014 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catsmamma · 14/03/2014 08:45

I'd say he needs to step away from his phone for sure, but I do not believe for one second that your SEVEN year old is not parroting stuff she has heard from you.

Man up and deal with him yourself and don't try shaming him with a primary school child barely out of infants.

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2014 08:45

Respect must be earned.

Thoroughly disagree with this.

Respect should be given and then taken away if not deserved. You can't wait to see if someone warrants it before acting appropriately.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2014 08:46

Nobody is the perfect parent, I as well as others have been guilty of mumsnetting, and feeding my kids oven food occasionally when I've been busy. I would hate it if my dd 7 talked to me in that way, making me feel like a rubbish parent! Dd was very rude, and needs to be explained that you don't soak to dp like that, you talk to me if you can't talk to dp.

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