to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

[MrsHamsterCheeks]

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

If they aren't hungry because they have chosen to stuff themselves with snacks (I have teenagers), then I am cross at the waste of food, and my wasted effort. If their appetite has deserted them because they are unwell/under the weather or for no obvious reason, I offer to put it aside for them to heat up later.

I try not to cook things I know they don't like, although I do sometimes make things that I know one or other of them isn't keen on, if it is something the rest of us enjoy (and I do make things I'm not so keen on but know they like too), but if it's something new, and they don't like it, I don't get upset, and I either don't cook it again, or I change the bits they didn't like.

And I said an hour to cook a meal, because I think that's probably a fair time frame when you are cooking from scratch, and preparing enough veg for two adults and three teenagers with adult appetites. For example, it can take me 15 or 20 minutes to peel enough potatoes for us all! Maybe I have overestimated the amount of time I put into preparing a meal, but it doesn't change the fact that I put I a certain amount of effort, and I feel that is slightly wasted and somewhat disrespected if someone can't be bothered to put down their book/step away from the PC or Xbox, to eat it while it is hot.

That was in answer to TheHoneyBadger's question.

i think human beings deserve a bit of space and manoeuvering time and dignity be they a child or an adult.

i think that respect and consideration is learnt by being treated respectfully and considerately and with dignity. i don't think it's learned from being trained to jump on command.

the child allowed the breathing space of a couple of minutes to finish what they're doing before jumping to the sound of their parents command will learn that it feels good to be treated that way and will extend that kind of courtesy and tolerance and respect and dignity to others.

i don't see someone taking two minutes to finish something off before coming as disrespectful - i see it as human reality - i need to finish things off before jumping to other peoples commands too and people who couldn't cope with that would bother me. people should be able to relax in their own homes rather than feeling big people are looking for an excuse to punish them at every bloody turn. there are things that are important and things that are petty and a grown up who is secure in themselves and their child can let them go sometimes.

that was in answer to whoever it was implying i had ishoos and asking me why i was against me big, you small, do as i say NOW parenting.

see sdtg in your position my bigger priority would be getting my kids to help me prepare dinner rather than obeying my dinner's ready command. that for me would be the essence of respectfulness and appreciation and learning to care for and respect people - participation and contribution over empty obedience any day for me. even my 7yo helps prepare veg.

see it isn't about letting kids do whatever they like v my kids do as i say instantly or there'll be consequences. i think it's different parenting values on what matters. so for me contributing to preparing the meal and spending time together and having some ownership over the meal themselves would be the important thing for them to learn and experience and for me to facilitate. whether they take two minutes to come downstairs to eat a breakfast i've put on the table would be trivial and meaningless to me.

I m with honeybadger

Respect deserves respect

I guess it's about getting the balance right between discipline and respect

yep and remembering the meaning of discipline is loving teaching - or better loving opportunities to learn.

like seriously what do you want your boys to learn? to come to the table instantly when their wives tell them dinner is ready or to be in the kitchen helping cooking dinner?

it's not just picking your lessons - it's being highly conscious of what it is you want them to learn and see.

The topic of the conversation honeybadger is a 7 year old wanting to do things on her own terms as the OP stated.

You're filling in gaps that aren't there and condoning some sort of village of the damned parenting style.

Most parents certainly wouldn't accept that their children only did things on their terms and specially when they are only 7.

I tend to do most of the prep during the day - I have depression, and if I leave it until they are home, I am too tired to do it. Also, as ds3 (the only one at home full time now - the others are at university) is doing his Highers very soon, he needs most his time for his school work, and he has other demands on his time too - chores, hockey and 2 paper rounds.

But don't worry - they can all cook - I taught them the basics, and how to use recipe books, and the two,who are away at university have managed to feed themselves very well, cooking mainly from scratch. I haven't raised men who can't cook, clean, mend or do laundry!

There are shades of grey. Expecting your children to respond to you doesn't make you a military parent.

If I call the dc to the table, I expect them to come to the table. If my call was met with silence, I'd be very cross - that is extremely disrespectful.

If my call is met with 'OK...just one minute please!' because they're in the middle of a game/want to read a book to the end of the page etc, that's fine...if it is in fact, one minute.

OP I think you have a clever and observant child, who feels completely confident and secure about your love for her. I personally would want my DD to voice her feelings 100% and I honestly think its right and fair to allow a child of 7yrs old to express themselves fully. At least she's not lashing out physically, or bottling it all up and becoming unhappy inside or at school.

Your DD has clearly picked up that your partner is not engaging with her and doesnt make as much effort to interact as perhaps he should. Your DP needs to think about this and decide whether he is going to make more effort to engage with your DD. I know you've said that he's been around since your DD was 1 year old, but I would imagine at some point it would be normal for your DD to question how he 'fits in' as she becomes more aware of 'biological father' versus 'step father'. What you don't want is for her relationship with her stepfather to breakdown completely.

Regarding breakfast/food times, your method is exactly the same as mine. It works, it's normal, my DDs have no food issues and I cannot see the point in getting het up and making children immediately put down what they're doing like a robot.

Sorry just to add, Im not suggesting that your DDs relationship with you partner is at breaking point, but it's just that it would be a shame if your DD were to start rebelling against him simply because he doesn't know how to play with her or how to interact with her, without you there. I think it's your DP that needs help, and to re-inject some fun into his time with your DD, e.g. Do they have any joint interests?

Agree with SDT , hope your well.

honey really walked in to that one wth your judgy pants.

Get of your pedistal love

My approach works and is normal too, Sylvanians - and if you met my dses you would see that they are independant-minded, happy and definitely not little robots!

village of the damned parenting style? allowing kids a minute to come to their breakfasts? hmm.

are you a man cigarettesandsmirnoff or do women actually call other women 'love' in condescending tones in your world?

Really sorry but cba to read the whole thread.
YANBU to let her speak her mind. But I dont think she was just speaking her own mind tbh.
It was your mind she was speaking. I don't accept that you haven't said the same things to him or about him in her company. And it sounds as though it's you who finds him grating too ATM.
I think there have been some harsh comments about your dd. but it's probably useful for her to understand its not appropriate to unleash a critical rant on someone. It was a bit rude, but she's obviously got some issues with him. My own ds told me to stop writing on my iPad recently when i should have been playing with him. I had to admit he was right, but I wouldn't have appreciated being shouted at and I would have told him so if he had done (he's only three too)
In your shoes I would firstly address your own issues with your DP and try to keep your dcs out of it. It's unsettling for them to be caught up in these things. Then help your dd by talking to her about how to express herself without pissing ppl off too much.

No I'm a laaaydeee and I got 'love' of ere... tis quite popular ..apparently.

Any way what what world do you live in? Sounds lovely, every one so calm and ...lovely.

In this, hard shitty real world things don't tend to be so calm and respectful. Must be heaven in your world

wish badger would bring a parenting book out so we could all be better folk

I

std I think it's pretty good going preparing a meal from scratch battling depression.

Btw. I agree with your approach on the breakfast issue. I think your dps method seems a bit too bossy on that. Maybe he finds the morning a bit stressful and struggles with the Pre-school rush/timings.

I'm a bit shocked by the dining table expectations here tbh (just reading back a bit)
I can't imagine getting all huffy because someone takes a minute or two to come to the table. And I'm not a particularly laid back person.
Are we on "army-mumsnet"?