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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

738 replies

MrsHamsterCheeks · 13/03/2014 22:55

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone Confused

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

OP posts:
Coldlightofday · 15/03/2014 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andro · 15/03/2014 20:20

He'llwait until they get to the road, try and wrestle the bag off her without a word, she will say he's hurt her fingers etc. And they'll argue which ends in him dragging her across the road by her sleeve.

So he chooses a physical method of accomplishing something a pleasant request would also accomplish and hurts your DD in the process? That's not good!

(or a 16-year-old) saying "I won't respect my step-parent/teacher/neighbour because s/he hasn't earned my respect" is displaying their immaturity and narcissism

I'm usually very much in agreement with what you say brdgirl, but on this I must disagree. A 16yo (or in my case a 12yo and directed at my biological mother) saying they don't respect a person because they haven't earned it may be narcissism and/or immaturity, however it could also be that the person in question has behaved in a manner where all right to respect has been completely forfeit.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/03/2014 20:24

I agree with Worra; some of the other posts/posters on this thread make me shudder and wonder what on earth their experiments are going to produce? Confused

SylvaniansKeepGettingHoovered · 15/03/2014 20:25

SDT yes I understand that your approach is normal too, you have to do what works for your own family, clever parenting and assessing what works.....the OPs daughter seems to respond better when left to come to the table in her own time (and learn the consequences if she doesn't come, i.e. cold food) like my DDs.

Coldlightofday · 15/03/2014 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daffodildays · 15/03/2014 20:49

Okay, have only read the first two pages and the road crossing description, wrestling with and hurting her.

Your DD is upset because you have no time for her, you are run ragged with the new little dc (your dp's bio dc) and your dp is not helping out.

I am willing to bet you spent more time with your dd before the baby came along, and you also expected your dp to help more when new baby arrived. Your dd knows you are tired and upset, and she knows maybe not rationally, but intuitively, that it is because dp is lazy. In addition, he does not respect her, rather drags her across the road, does not spend time with her, but expects her to jump when he says jump.

This man thinks it is acceptable to drag your dd across the street, having hurt her fingers. He thinks it is acceptable to physically lead her to the table.

She is being abused by this man, it may be subtle now, but it will get worse. She knows it, but she does not understand it; she is responding by kicking off so she looks ill-mannered and in the wrong. He is certainly not treating you well either.

MintyCatLeaf · 15/03/2014 20:57

Atbeckandcall has made some very interesting points.

The DP may be misunderstood, he may be an awful human being, he may be somewhere in between.

Are we certain that DP was actually definitely sneaking upstairs to pretend he was playing with DD1 and not for another reason? (He may have popped in on his way to the loo to do a wee, for instance.) On the background of her not wanting to spend time with him at the moment, it seems unlikely that a person would try getting away with pretending he was hanging out with her all along.

Did he definitely feed DD2 chips and crisps all day? If he fed her a few crisps and chips as a treat, it may not be The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Anyone, Ever.

Does DD1 respond in the same way if DP takes the same approach as the OP in calling her to the table? If not, he may have adopted a stricter style in response to this. Either way, his method is failing.

What is the work/housework balance like in general? I work longer hours than my DP, therefore he does more housework than I do.

I don't know enough to comment either way about the situation. I believe in children being allowed to speak their minds, but do not at all agree in anyone being allowed to "rant" at anyone. So DD was BU to rant at him.

I feel hurt if people rant at me. DP may have felt that way too.

Even non-ranty children may have the occasional outburst, and I don't think the fact that she's so clever or that this is atypical for her makes it good behaviour and automatically correct.

Her observations may or may not be fair. She may or may not be rejecting him for valid reasons.

The situation requires thought and observation.

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 20:59

'little experiments' Grin

allowing children a little space and dignity isn't some newfangled experiment.

allowing a child to take two minutes to get to the breakfast table and not manhandling them at roadsides is hardly an alternative lifestyle.

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 21:03

he's a self absorbed little bully man by the sounds of it.

how do you feel/what do you say when he grabs and your daughter and drags her across the road and hurts her? do you think that's appropriate?

i do also think you need to be very very sure you've given her time and safety to tell you why she doesn't want to go places with him anymore.

Coldlightofday · 15/03/2014 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 15/03/2014 21:05

We expect the kids to come for meals when called. Breakfast is usually cold so I don't mind if they leave it a few minutes (but don't want a last minute rush so more than 5 minutes and I'll get annoyed). If it's a cooked meal people get a warning that dinner/ cooked breakfast is in 5-10 minutes so they can finish off what they are doing and when it is ready we expect everyone to come straight away. My husband and I will even tell each other off it we're faffing on the computer. If someone has spent time preparing a meal it's extremely rude not to value that and eat it at its best.
When I was a child we all went fairly instantly when a meal was called. To me that's just normal and good manners.
I agree that age 7 she shouldn't need reminding of the road drill each time she crosses the road. If she uses her bag as a reason to have a battle i'd be getting her a rucksac, sounds like the bag is more trouble than its worth if she can't quickly pass it to the other hand.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/03/2014 21:18

He is wrong to manhandle her at the kerb in that way - but she is wrong too, for not switching her bag to the other hand when she knows that's the 'procedure' when crossing the road. 7 years old is old enough to remember she needs to hold the adult's hand - most of the time. It could be dumb insolence on her part, or it could be she is too used to her mum reminding her every time, so doesn't need to remember for herself. Either way, it's not unreasonable to expect her to do her part of crossing roads they way her mum wants her to do - ie. holding an adult's hand - and move her bag to the other hand.

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 21:21

so it's her mum's fault again and he's excused unacceptable behaviour again and she isn't allowed to resist being touched by a man who manhandles her. got it.

daffodildays · 15/03/2014 21:25

He is the adult, though. There are many other ways than physically forcing her to do it.
She could have forgotten, yes. So, he reminds her in advance. After they have crossed, he says, hey, you are seven, shall we see if you can remember yourself to change it? She remembers, he says, hey, well done!! Or if he doesn't remind her and they miss the crossing, he simply waits and explains why they are waiting. Etc. The fact that he recourses to a physical response would worry me. Especially if he then blamed the dd.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/03/2014 21:27

Agree with honeybadger here tbh.

daffodildays · 15/03/2014 21:28

honey, that is the thing. If the OP silences her dd, she is teaching her to be abused.

The mum should listen to her dd, she is the only one who can really advocate for her, and the mum should trust her instincts.

caruthers · 15/03/2014 21:31

The DP should get out of this poisonous relationship.

Let's see how she handles the little madam on her own.

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 21:34

'little madam' -wow. this is potentially an abused child. alternatively just a child made utterly miserable by shit parenting and emotional neglect. nice.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/03/2014 21:36

Hmmm. 7 yo girl showing signs of speaking up for herself.
"little madam"
loads of little madam comments on this thread.
Nauseating.

Perhaps we should all be teaching our daughters to know their place in the world.
make sure they're never seen as outspoken. That really would be the worst thing wouldn't it Hmm

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 21:36

moral of the story op is don't post in aibu because it seems to be populated by people who enjoy the online equivalent of punching people in the face.

caruthers · 15/03/2014 21:36

She's not an abused child you're just throwing water onto an oil fire.

The OP's own words damn her parenting style.

Are you normally this hysterical?

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 21:37

amanda the levels of misogyny on this thread are freaking me out tbh!

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 21:37

oh bingo for hysterical!

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 21:38

we've had 'love', little madam and other versions of berating a girl for stating her opinons times a zillion, hysterical Hmm

the cognitive dissonance must be dizzy making.

caruthers · 15/03/2014 21:39

You ARE hysterical.

You seem very invested in this with triple and quadruple posts.

Did you have a difficult childhood and are you projecting?

The DP should leave as quick as he can and run for the hills.