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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

738 replies

MrsHamsterCheeks · 13/03/2014 22:55

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone Confused

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 07:34

he's not a step parent. he's been there since she was a teeny baby.

mymiraclebubba · 15/03/2014 07:36

She is not biologically his so yes he is a step parent, thelength of time he has been in her life is irrelevant.

Comeatmefam · 15/03/2014 07:40

I feel very sorry for you daughter who is trying (and succeeding!) to tell you she loathes your partner, doesn't trust or respect him and he makes her unhappy.

I've been a kid in a home where I wasn't listened to and I hated my stepparent - your dd has the balls to spell out exactly what he's doing wrong.

Rude and disrespectful? Yes in another scenario. But this is HER LIFE and her childhood. So no not rude and disrespectful.

You undermined your husband some are saying? No you are enabling him if you present a united front with a shit parent.

BeeInYourBonnet · 15/03/2014 07:44

I thought it was very clear from the OP that he was in a 'step parent' role. I have a close friend who has been with her DP since her DD was 9mo, and she never even mentions he's her step father. He's been there almost since day 1 and is an equal parent. This does not seem to be the situation in this case.

The OP has made it quite clear that her way of parenting is the 'right' way, and that her DH is not up to scratch.

Comeatmefam · 15/03/2014 07:47

Because he's not up to scratch.

mymiraclebubba · 15/03/2014 07:57

bees exactly my point! The op criticises him for his method of parenting and then condemns him for doing nothing and deferring to her...prime example of the special dammed of you and dammed if you don't quite frankly!

I don't blame you dh for leaving you to it op, if my dp treated me this way I would be leaving him to it too!

2rebecca · 15/03/2014 07:57

It's hard from this 1 day breakdown of stuff to say he's a shit parent. As others have said we have no idea if he did just eat the baby chips all day, the 7 year old was at school all day so surely wouldn't know. Not giving your kids your full attention and not constantly interacting with them doesn't make you a shit parent. Sometimes you are there in the background whilst they do stuff. His partner may have been doing housework whilst he sat down but that's poor partnering and it's then up to the partner to tell him what she wants him to do.
The men I know who are house husbands don't play with their kids the way women do. They do activities with the kids but tend to get on with stuff whilst kids amuse themselves more. As long as the kids are safe I don't see this as poor parenting.
It sounded to me like the 7 year old expected to constantly be the centre of attention and for someone to be constantly playing with her.If her "stepfather" wasn't playing with her when her mum came in she expected her mum to give him a bollocking. How weird is that?

Comeatmefam · 15/03/2014 08:04

2rebecca - or you can choose to see it my way..that if a seven year old wants to be centre of her mum's attention and is trying to stir things up between them (or in my view tell her mum what's really going on) then that's extremely sad? Rather than something to be punished or disapproved of.

She clearly needs support with her feelings and there needs to be some big, honest chats and changes in OP's house I reckon.

Nicola19 · 15/03/2014 08:06

Honey badger, did I congratulate him on taking out the smaller child? No, I acknowledged it. 'Desperate enough to explode'? Is this what the DD actually did? You sound a bit of a drama- rama tbh.

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 08:07

comeatmefan - exactly! but the OP is meant to gaslight her dd by pretending otherwise and expecting her to stuff down all of her hurt and pain and frustration.

we do know he's a shit parent. he bare faced lies in front of a child and expects her to collude with him. he behaves one way in front of the children then hides what he's doing when the other parent appears and again expects children to collude with him. he is told repeatedly by a child that she needs more attention and interest but doesn't respond even when the child ends up exploding at him about it.

what more proof did you need?

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 08:08

oh and when his baby is vomiting in the bathroom he doesn't go in there to comfort or support or see if they're ok but instead sneaks in dds room to make it look like he's been doing stuff and expects the OP to magically have free energy and hands to come deal with the fallout when she's dealing with a puking baby.

wishingchair · 15/03/2014 08:11

Not sure what OP wants from this thread to be honest. My view: OP doesn't have any respect for DP. Whether the daughter should or shouldn't have said anything isn't the most important thing. For me, the fact that the way he calls DD in to breakfast is so irritating to OP speaks volumes.

OP- do you love him, respect him and see a future with him?

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 08:11

yes for a 7yo child who doesn't normally lose their temper or speak to anyone rudely to go off like this i'd say they'd have to have been pretty desperate and it would have to have built up and built up till they couldn't contain it anymore.

as an adult it is difficult to contain and contain and contain your feelings towards someone who is hurting you, at seven with less practice and conditioning to suck it up and shut up it must be excruciating.

BeeInYourBonnet · 15/03/2014 08:11

IME children pick up on any dissent between parents. My own DD (also 7) quickly picked up on the fact she'd heard me saying to DH not to let them watch too much TV whilst I was out for the day, and the minute I got home gleefully announced that DH had let her watch a whole film!

We have learnt to keep the dcs out of such discussions, as its not for them to get involved in such a way.

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 08:13

i should imagine it's the ineffectiveness of the breakfast thing that drives her mad. he sees that the best approach with dd is to say breakfast is ready and then back off and she will finish what she's doing and come and eat it in within a few minutes. no conflict, breakfast eaten, no problem.

yet he insists on turning it into a conflict by demanding she jumps the minute he speaks?

what is the point of that?

BeeInYourBonnet · 15/03/2014 08:18

When I prepare a meal - breakfast, lunch or dinner - I expect my family to stop what they're doing and come and eat. If necessary I give a 5 minute 'dinner is nearly ready' call, but when its on the table, that's it.

Anything else is the height of rudeness.

Comeatmefam · 15/03/2014 08:18

Jeez.

There is a difference between supporting each other as parents, not undermining and keeping discussions or rows away from dc and enabling, colluding and ignoring bad parenting!

My dh is not a 'bad parent' but I sometimes call him out on selfish behaviour in front of our daughters. I want them to see that a) I'm not blindly on dad's/the adult's side if he is being unreasonable and that b) in certain circumstances it's ok to challenge a parent! And it's ok to express your feelings. (Other times, I shut my gob if he's just being a bit wally-ish. I choose my battles!).

wishingchair · 15/03/2014 08:18

But it's such a small issue. Deal with it or accept it! It's irritating yes but that's it surely.

Comeatmefam · 15/03/2014 08:21

Honeybadger - completely agree. Exactly the sort of thing I disagree with my dh about. Don't harangue them, don't act like a sergeant major, give them a minute to come down. And as you say his constant calling her down doesn't work.

'Height of rudeness' - really? This is a kid, a very young kid. All kids have to reminded and told more than once to do anything. Just the way it is.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 15/03/2014 08:23

Ok.

Sudden switch in behaviours - either she's picking up resentment from you, she's resentful herself of normal stuff. Or, something else. It's a red flag. Any chance of grooming? This isn't easy to write. Don't discount in reflex. Something has altered. Either it's DP or it's someone he's taken her too he may not know, say gym club, someone there or suchlike.

IF you are confident it's all fine. Then actually I agree you cannot tell her off for telling the truth. You need to sit down and talk. House rules need updating. There's a power struggle.

Tbh I like the styleof dds jib. Frankly take a lesson. She's highlighting something maybe you need to sort.

hackmum · 15/03/2014 08:24

Some great posts from TheHoneyBadger who seems to be one of the few people on this thread who can imagine (or perhaps even remember) what it's like to be a seven-year old girl.

And I agree completely about the breakfast thing. The OP has taken a sensible, pragmatic approach that works. A lot of parenting is about picking your battles - why engineer a confrontation if you don't need to have one?

wishingchair · 15/03/2014 08:25

And obv we're seeing this only from OP's perspective. Her DP could have a very different story - "OP has never allowed me to properly parent DD1, when I try to get involved it is never good enough, even when I call her in to breakfast it's not right. DD1 sees all if this and doesn't acknowledge my role in the family, I take then out for the day and then go up to say goodnight and get a tirade; I honestly don't know what to do".

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 08:26

i think it is the height of rudeness to expect everyone to jump to attention the minute you've put food on the table. what if they're in the middle of something? just finishing reading a page? on the phone and just need a minute to wind the conversation down? just putting something away? in need of a wee?

why the need for military submission?

BeeInYourBonnet · 15/03/2014 08:26

So its unreasonable to expect a 7 yo to come to the table when called? Really?

Only on MN.

I suppose none of your DCs listen to their teachers when they're asked to do something - or is it just you they ignore?

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 08:27

wishing i think very few are seeing this from the OPs perspective. most seem to massively in need of fabricating contexts that make the partner some poor misunderstood victim including demonising the op and her daughter to fit it. it's odd.

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