to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

[MrsHamsterCheeks]

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

I agree with other posters that the OP's DP doesn't sound like a great parent. It also seems that the OP is (unintentionally?) undermining him as a parent. If that's the case, is it any wonder that he's checked out? The attitude seems very much OP and her daughter against him, and if that's been going on for a while, I can see why he's not more involved.

OP, it seems like neither you nor your daughter really have a lot of respect for this guy, or that you even like him very much. Why are you still in a relationship with him?

it's not about whether you'd say the same to a boy.

and why are people saying, 'she should have been able to tell her mum' - why did she need to tell her mum? because women are responsible for facilitating relationships between children and men? because men shouldn't have to hear children's opinions?

some really strange attitudes.

and just wow at the 'sounds like you and your dd don't respect/like this man'. does it sound like he respects and likes them and acts in such a way as to inspire like and respect?

Regardless of your dp's behaviour, I don't think it was at all reasonable to allow your dd to speak to an adult so rudely.

In a few years time, she will be a teenager, and if she's been taught that it is OK to talk to adults like that, the teen years are going to be a total nightmare.

I agree with lovecat. I'm really surprised by this thread.

All the examples and projections people are giving, assume that the DD is rude to the DP all the time or constantly talking back to him. But this seems like a one-off and again, she was just telling the truth -- truth he didn't want to hear.

Let's recap: this man LIED to his partner's face about playing with DD. Right in front of DD. So she said no, that's not true. He then says, well I was tidying. She says again, no that's not true, because mum did all the tidying, all you did today was make DD sick by giving her crisps instead of proper food. Which is the truth!

If this man wants respect and not to be spoken to like that, then he shouldn't tell such bold-faced lies in front of his family. Yes, children should respect their parents, but I think crap parents lose that automatic right.

it's not about whether you'd say the same to a boy

Well it is really since Lovecat is turning it into a feminist argument.

sdtg - why is it the OP 'allowing' or not allowing? was she the only adult there? she was attending to a vomiting child at the time. do only women do parenting in your house? or would your partner have been able to deal with his own issue with a child if you were tied up?

dreamin - exactly! talk about priming for gaslighting.

no, it really isn't nursey but it would take quite a while to explain how girls and boys are different, how society treats them differently, how they have specific conditioning and messages that need countering and protecting from, how the dynamics a daughter learns with her father may have different impacts than father to son etc etc. think about it.

You don't seem to like this man at all. He makes your daughter very unhappy. If you had posted exactly the same thing without the bit about your daughter being rude to him you would have had a load of LTBs - I'm not really sure why everyone is focussing on (and some being pretty vicious about) your dd.

people here have totally bought into his abdication of parental responsibility! it wasn't for the OP to allow or disallow or be the facilitator of their interaction. he's an adult with equal parenting responsiblity. it's not like her dd was talking to the postman!

and just wow at the 'sounds like you and your dd don't respect/like this man'. does it sound like he respects and likes them and acts in such a way as to inspire like and respect?

Really? "Just wow?" Please. As I said, if the OP has been undermining him all along perhaps he has been worn down by that. Would you respect someone who's undermined you for years?

steff re-read your comment there -what we would do know is that this man consistently ignores his dd, refuses to pay attention, sits playing on his phone while his wife cleans the house with a toddler on her hip and refuses to attend to his other child - that, rather than your massive leap, precedes your question, "would you respect someone who's undermined you for years" far more fittingly.

Well the daughter has clearly got the idea that her step father is always on the phone & does nothing from somewhere.

Although from the OP it seems that in this instance he was out when OP was doing everything.

So she's either seen it enough for her self or heard the OP mention it enough or a combination of the two.

i think what she's done is experienced the hurt of her father's inattention and disregard for her needs in favour of self interest and phone fiddling repeatedly and observed that he does the same to her mother and put two and two together with a basic capacity of empathy. is that such a surprise? she's a seven year old human being not a chimpanzee!

to be fair maybe i believe that because my own son at just turned 7 is massively observant and shows incredible emotional intelligence about dynamics sometimes. it really isn't that rare and doesn't have to be faulty parenting or them parroting your views.

I agree with dreaming, and I'm actually quite impressed by how aware she was at 7 about what your DP was up to. While a child shouldn't be telling a grown up off, I think it's even more the responsibility of the parent not to give the child good reason to be doing so! Feeding your DD2 crisps all day until she is sick - your 7 year old is telling your 'adult' DP off for being immature and irresponsible, what does that tell you?

For the sake of balance though, it does sound like she has a bit of a rudeness issue - I agree with your DP about her only coming down when she feels like it for a meal you have just cooked, you should be able to all sit down and eat together when she is only seven.

I agree with janethegirl
Your dd is 7 and telling it how it is ...
I would be on my dds side completely and listening very carefully to her
Your dp sounds lazy and it seems to me like he will get away with what he can

Exactly Liege

Imagine this AIBU:

My DP spends hours on his phone every day when he should be taking care of the kids
My DD has to ask him to put his phone away, but he still doesn't
He feeds our 14 month old nothing but chips and crisps, ending up with her vomiting all evening
He parks her in front of the ipad but denies it
He sits around playing games while I do all the housework
He lies and says he's been playing with DD when he's actually been on his phone

Jesus Christ, we'd all be saying what a loser, get him to shape up or boot him.

But god forbid a child call him on his bullshit, when her mother won't. Good for her. Yes, children should be polite to their parents, but maybe if CRAP parents got called on it more often there wouldn't be so many fucked up families.

It sounds like you are almost happy that your daughter is nagging at your partner for you.

Wanna grow some balls and speak to him yourself if you are not happy op? You know, instead of letting a child do it?

a) It's not right for any child to speak to an adult like that.
b) It sounds almost like she is being forced to act like the 'mum' in this situation. Why does she feel it's her responsibility to stand up for you? That's the wrong way round surely?

I agree with Garlic and others. OP, please take over from your daughter and deal with this behaviour. Don't let her grow up with a father figure who ignores her in this way. She's telling you something very important.

It frightens me that people have described her as a 'tattle-tale'. The OPs DP has involved the DD in lies - he crept upstairs to pretend he'd been playing with her, she saw him turn off the I-pad to hide that DD2 had been watching Iggle-piggle. What kind of message does it send to DD1 if she is told off for telling her mum when an adult involves her in a lie? And a lie that is made to cover-up what mum presumably sees as bad behaviour?

As a child of a similar age, I was in a pretty similar situation with my dad. My mum didn't know how disengaged he was as a parent, because he was good at hiding it. Left alone with him for a day while my mum worked, my dad spent the whole day glued to a TV sporting event. Not only did he not feed us once during 8+ hours, but my little sister and I (so roughly 4 and 7 years old) got the keys to the door, walked past him without him noticing and left the house several times during the day. My method of telling my mum what had happened was not calm or measured, it was majorly dramatic but I was 7 and scared and hurt. My mum listened though - which she needed to do, because we hadn't been safe. I hope very much my children feel safe when they are older to tell me and my DH how they feel.

What if an adult woman came on here and said the "man I love most ignores me constantly, if we spend time together he focuses on his phone and will not engage with me, he watched me play in an important sporting event & spent to whole time on the phone to the point where he couldn't remember anything that happened during the game and made up facts about what had happened. I've asked him to pay me more attention but he's ignored me, and won't discuss it and has even started lying to my face about it. Today I lost my temper about it and he called me a 'disrespectful little madam'."

Would anyone be surprised if she lost her temper and had a rant? Why are we expecting more emotional maturity from a 7 year old than we would from a 27 year old? Or is it ok to treat children in ways that are simply rude for no other reason than because you are the adult?

I don't agree that children should mindlessly respect their elders. Respect has to be earned. The DD has seen that her father says one thing and does another. He is unreliable and tells lies, and she called him on it. It should be a wake up call for the DP rather than a reason to punish the child, imho.

I don't believe anyone has said on this thread that WHAT the dd has brought is incorrect or that it shouldn't be addressed by the parents. But what makes this thread weird is the op's reaction and thinking that is ok for her dd to parent her dp. Or have I completely missed the point. And btw I have a really tricky time in taking everything this OP has said is absolute truth seeing as she's happy that her dp got called out on behaviours she disapproves of.

Look, either you want to remain in a relationship with your dp, in which case you should be addressing any issues directly with dp as two adults in a relationship dealing with issues, and not setting up this dynamic of you and dd against dp (personally if I were him I would walk, as I would find the situation where a child was being allowed/ encouraged to talk to me like that utterly intolerable). Or you realise you don't respect him, you cannot put up with him and you end the relationship, again without using your dd as your mouthpiece. The situation as is appears toxic for all members of the family and the relationship doomed - lack of respect (whether it is or isn't justified) is usually fatal to relationships in the long run. So whatever you choose to do re the relationship, IMO yabu to let your dd speak to your dp like that

Atbeckandcall; no I don't think anyone has said that what she's said is factually inaccurate, but plenty of people have said that she should be punished for raising it as she did. How else is she supposed to raise it, when she's been ignored when she raised it calmly? Even at the start of the conversation she challenged calmly, he responded by lying. Posts saying she should be taken down a peg or two, needs firmer boundaries or the OP should back her DP just seem odd in that context.

I agree the OP should be tackling this. If she knows her DP is ignoring the children when they are in his sole care & feeding them inappropriately to the point where they are ill from it then she needs to step in.

OP, it sounds as though you are so incapable of being direct about your grievances towards your DP that you project them onto your DD. Then she ends up voicing the stuff you don't dare address.

You shouldn't be punching the air in secret. You should be growing a spine, pronto, before your poor parentified 7-year-old is fucked up for life by your inability to be the parent.