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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 400 pounds is too much for a wedding present?

125 replies

seeminglyso · 13/03/2014 21:21

Hi there, can you help me my husband is best man for his friend and thinks we should give them 400 pounds for a wedding gift. We are not loaded and this is a lot for us as it is for most people. He feels that as they paid 170 for our accommodation this is fair, but I have commented that people do expect to pay out for a wedding and paying for the best mans accommodation is customary. What do others think? AIBU?

OP posts:
Oriunda · 14/03/2014 07:34

Is your DH or groom English or from another culture? In Italy (our part at least) the gift does need to cover the plate plus accommodation costs if provided. A best man/witness would need to stump up at least 400 euros as a minimum (more if a family member ie brother) but bear in mind that the best man would also receive a costly gift back as a thank you.

HannerHet · 14/03/2014 07:34

£400 is way too much.

£50-£100 would be fine

dancingnancy · 14/03/2014 07:56

It depends how close you are and how much money you have obviously. We are happy to pay it but earn more then the other guests. For us (close family) to give the same as a co worker who earns a fraction would seem a bit stingy. You give what you can afford and depending how close.

treaclesoda · 14/03/2014 08:01

is it the norm these days for weddings to go on for days and days? I've never been to a wedding where the bridesmaids/best man, family etc stay overnight the night before, or go to a pre wedding meal, or a wedding breakfast etc. The normal set up where I'm from is wedding lasts one day, guests may stay overnight at the hotel at their own expense if they want to. If the wedding is far away and prohibitively expensive, the invitation is polutely declined. The idea of being expected to cover the cost of your plate has me Shock, although people are very generous with gifts generally. But reading wedding discussions on mumsnet makes me feel like there is a parallel universe out there.

Oriunda · 14/03/2014 09:06

No not a parallel universe but people from various cultures and therefore different forms of etiquette regarding gifts, dress code etc.

catsmother · 14/03/2014 09:09

None of us here can tell anyone else what they should or shouldn't spend.

That's entirely your business and comes down to how close you are to someone, and how much you can reasonably afford, and what importance you place on wedding gifts (or not) which may be where cultural traditions come into play.

With all of that in mind your gift should be something both of you feel comfortable about and which won't leave you in financial difficulty of any sort or feeling resentful because you've had to forego something you need. Forget this "payback" nonsense .... I have no idea if it's the "done thing" for the B&G to pay for the best man's hotel but presumably in your case, you didn't put a gun to their heads and are very appreciative of their generosity. For sure, you should write a heartfelt letter of thanks after the wedding - but you could also look at it as quid pro pro for the duties and hard work (?) your H will be taking on by agreeing to be best man in the first place anyway .... admittedly these "duties" might not necessarily be too onerous, but then again, he may well end up running himself ragged organising stuff and ensuring arrangements go to plan and therefore the room kind of balances it out IYSWM.

If the B&G are decent people they're not getting married with presents in mind and would surely be mortified if they knew any of their guests were stressing out about how much to spend ?

Amber76 · 14/03/2014 09:09

I'm in Ireland and got married 2 years ago. €100 per head is about right. €150 to €250 for a couple. Close family members might give more - up to €500 (from each of my dhs brothers).

I agree it is a huge amount of money but I couldn't go to a wedding and give less than €100. If I couldn't afford that then I would give a boxed gift. You can pick up nice vases, wine glasses, etc for very reasonable amounts.

We mainly got given cash for our wedding but I really appreciated gifts too. Since our wedding we've been to a number of weddings where I have given cash and a gift as well - for example a nice framed photo of the married couple to be with a card and cash. So this can be a good compromise. If you really can't afford even a nice gift then decline the invitation.

catsmother · 14/03/2014 09:15

It does always bemuse me to read these sorts of threads where posters relate how a particular sum is "expected" as a matter of course within certain cultures or communities.

Regardless of tradition etc., how does that expectation actually translate into the real world if guests are literally on their uppers and counting every last £ (or whatever currency prevails) ? ...... do they spend only what they can afford and maybe then get ostracised or criticised for not doing what "should" be done .... or do they go into debt to be able to find the minimum sum "needed" ??

That must place a huge strain on guests who aren't well off.

munchkinmaster · 14/03/2014 09:16

Eh I think my point (poorly expressed at 5am was):

Yes some people do spend £400

But to be honest I think it was excessive, would not happen these days (on shared money in my house now) and actually made the couple embarrassed.

dancingnancy · 14/03/2014 09:19

" If you really can't afford even a nice gift then decline the invitation."

I don't agree - when we got married (big traditional do) - We didn't really want gifts, many of the folk were old and fairly poor. Everyone brought something and even the cheapest gift was appreciated (some were really naff which added a charm to them and made us smile) even if we never used them and they went to the charity shop. Would hate a guest to feel they couldn't come if they didn't provide a good gift.

MissMilbanke · 14/03/2014 09:29

My husband like to be overly generous when frankly half the time he doesnt have a clue about how much things cost. There is a danger he can look too flash and showy when sometimes its not really necessary.

He would suggest £400 would be the correct price too, based on how much the couple were spending on us and then add a bit more.

I on the other hand am far harder to prise cash from my hands - and we end up compromising. With your example I would start low with a counter offer, say £100 and then gradually we will meet in the middle at say £200

nauticant · 14/03/2014 09:37

Your point was perfectly clear to me munchkinmaster. And it does seem as though your friends* did you both a favour by knocking the nonsense on the head.

  • they might not be your friends any more
mrsjay · 14/03/2014 09:39

good god really Shock when dh was a best man we got them a picture personalised thing and gave them 50 quid in vouchers,

MissHobart · 14/03/2014 10:41

£400 Shock Pay your own accommodation and give them £50 Hmm

MaidOfStars · 14/03/2014 11:05

For some reason, £400 in cash seems far worse than a gift worth the same. I tend to think cash is a pretty thoughtless gift anyway, and that amount seems overly flashy.

We received a couple of ginormous cash gifts (+£5k) but these were from family. The highest cash value received from a guest (a single guest at that) was £200, and we were uncomfortable with that. He wasn't a Brit though, so put it down to cultural differences (and sent him exactly the same value back for his wedding). I think £100 is enough for good mates/best man/etc.

We covered accommodation costs for the bridal party but not because we thought it traditional. Our best man and his bridesmaid wife gave us a gift of a value that is completely unknown to me to this day.

slithytove · 14/03/2014 11:22

Our best man and maid of honour both gave gifts from themselves and partners off the list costing about £30.

Ph the wedding was £70 plus we covered their outfits and accommodation. So about £200 pp was the cost to us.

We saw it that they were doing us a favour being in the wedding party, didn't choose them to get great gifts.

slithytove · 14/03/2014 11:30

And we covered the accommodation costs the night before and night of as we chose to have the wedding an hour away from us and 3 hours away from DH family.

Lucylouby · 14/03/2014 11:43

When we got married 10 years ago, our bridesmaid gave us parents costing about £100, she had a really good job and could afford that much. She bout her partner to the wedding. Our best man, spent between £50-75 which would have been a lot of money for him. He bought his wife and three dc. They oth gave what they could afford, neither felt they should cover the cost of their meal, nor did we expect it. I would give about £75 in these circumstances. That is a lot to us, but if it were a good friend, it would be about what I would expect. If it is a normal friend getting married it would be about £25-30.

tb · 15/03/2014 11:09

Our best man gave us a garden fork and spade - still going strong 8 house moves and 37 years later.

bunday · 21/03/2014 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sally1978 · 24/06/2014 14:08

wow thats a lot for a present!

sparechange · 24/06/2014 14:53

So he wants to give £230 as a gift, and for you to cover your own accommodation cost? I have never, ever heard of it to be customary to cover the cost of the best man's accommodation, unless the groom is totally insistent of having him stay in a separate room the night before (instead of sharing the groom's room and you turning up on the morning of the wedding)

If they hadn't paid the £170, would you have stayed there? (Or in another hotel/with friends/gone home?)

£230 doesn't seem like a crazy gift. £400 is quite a lot.

Mim78 · 24/06/2014 14:58

Far too much.

I think it may be customary for best man not to give a gift are the duties are the gift.

Never heard of paying for bm accommodation as a custom - surely traditionally there was no accomm to pay for?

£100 tops for a wedding gift in my view.

somedizzywhore1804 · 24/06/2014 15:02

My sliding scale that I always use for me and DH is:

£50 if we are "normal" guests to normal friends/colleagues.
£100 if we are especially close or it's a not so close family member like a cousin.
£150 if one of us is involved in the wedding or it's a close family member/sibling etc.

rowna · 24/06/2014 15:04

I think £100 is about right. It's generous but not too much to embarrass them.