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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 400 pounds is too much for a wedding present?

125 replies

seeminglyso · 13/03/2014 21:21

Hi there, can you help me my husband is best man for his friend and thinks we should give them 400 pounds for a wedding gift. We are not loaded and this is a lot for us as it is for most people. He feels that as they paid 170 for our accommodation this is fair, but I have commented that people do expect to pay out for a wedding and paying for the best mans accommodation is customary. What do others think? AIBU?

OP posts:
SparklySocks · 13/03/2014 21:45

I'm giving my sister £50. She is paying for full outfit for me (dress, shoes, accessories). I am also having hair and makeup done on the day. Night before the wedding is sorted accommodation wise as I am staying in the cottage where her and husband to be will stay on wedding night. She is also paying for the full outfit for my son who is page boy. She would not expect "repayment" in anyway and is grateful for any amount that people can afford to give. Just give what you can afford, as you say the B&G expect to have costs and you shouldn't have to worry about them.

verdiletta · 13/03/2014 21:46

I'd be mortified if our best man had given us anywhere near that much! If I think money is what would be appreciated, I would give £50 for a good friend, £100 for close family.

Original poster
seeminglyso · 13/03/2014 21:48

Thanks I am going to show this thread to my husband. I think its a ridiculous amount and they will no way expect it! Keep the suggestions of an appropriate amount coming and what others got as this is very useful.

OP posts:
Odaat · 13/03/2014 21:49

I hate weddings for this reason! Everyone has forks out for someone else's big day!( Generally ) i know not always! It just seems (esspecially nowadays) everyone's wedding are getting bigger and flashier and the more involved you are in it the more your have to pay out!!

WooWooOwl · 13/03/2014 21:50

We paid for accommodation for our bridesmaids and best man, not quite as much as your accommodation, but still a lot. We would never have expected a gift anywhere near that much from any of them.

£100 is enough, £150 if he wants to splash the cash and be generous.

It sounds to me like your DH just wants to show off about his bank balance tbh, there comes a point where it becomes distasteful, and your DH is past that point.

StanleyLambchop · 13/03/2014 21:52

I think they should pay for his accommodation, after all he has no say in where the wedding is held, but he does not have the option to stay anywhere else/leave early/ arrive later / avoid staying over as he has to be there for longer than the average guest due to best man duties. I think £400 is a crazy amount. Our Best Man gave us a present from our list, nothing was over £50, in fact there was hardly anything priced over £30. I would have been embarrassed by a gift of £400. YANBU.

Sparklingbrook · 13/03/2014 21:53

Does your DH owe the couple money you don't know about seemingly

Lighthousekeeping · 13/03/2014 21:54

It's far too much in my opinion. Having said that, I think it's cultural to a point. My Irish and Nigerian friends always say you should pay for the "plate" and add £100 on top. That's their tradition and could easily work out to £400 for a couple.

Original poster
seeminglyso · 13/03/2014 22:01

Yes I do fear that 400 might be embarrassing for them too and I don't want them to feel its too much and feel awkward as I personally would feel like that with that gift from a non family member. No sparklingbrook he definitely doesn't owe money.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 13/03/2014 22:03

That's ok then. Smile

Odaat · 13/03/2014 22:06

Culturally it can be varying as to whats expected/acceptable. My Polish friend was suprised to find £20 notes in her card on her wedding day. In Poland it is customary to give hundred + apparantly. So there is that to take into account i guess. Though still, I wouldn't give more than £100 - and that amount would only be for close family.

Original poster
seeminglyso · 13/03/2014 22:08

Odaat your polish friend must have been very disappointed.

OP posts:
Odaat · 13/03/2014 22:14

Hmm she probably was... :/
Her mother was gob smacked to find a fiver in a card !! I am by no means a snob, but a fiver in someone's wedding card!? Jesus a gift would be far nicer. I guess i soud really hypocritical now, oh well!

StanleyLambchop · 13/03/2014 22:23

Odaat- what if that person could not afford any more than £5? A wedding gift should not push someone financially over the edge, whether that be a £5 or £400 edge!!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 13/03/2014 22:29

£400? The most likely outcome is that the recipients will feel very uncomfortable indeed.

Far far far too much. £100 max.

legoplayingmumsunite · 13/03/2014 22:31

I think you should spend what you can afford. We got married 14 years ago, some gifts were probably worth £10-£20, some were worth hundreds. No couple worth knowing would judge you on the size of your gift.

legoplayingmumsunite · 13/03/2014 22:32

And I have no memory of what the best man gave us, let alone how much that would have cost.

WaitMonkey · 13/03/2014 22:33

I've never heard of the groom paying for the best mans accommodation before. £400 is a ridiculous amount though.

Nocomet · 13/03/2014 22:38

I gave £100, plus a £50 gift off the DDs when DD2 was a bridesmaid for my cousins.

That no way covered what our room and DDs dress had cost, but I think they'd of been Blush if I'd tried to. They wouldn't take a penny for bridesmaids dress, shoes etc.

Also I suspect, despite being 30ish that their parents (were picking up some of the bill)

Trouble with generous wedding gifts is by the time you've factored in your new dress, your DCs new dress (and as DD1 was faintly sad not to be a bridesmaid it was a £100 coast dress), shoes etc. It gets expensive.

Bride, her sister and DD2 are small and fair, DD1 is a striking redhead taller than the groom (the bride probably is just in heels) so she would have looked daft, given pink dresses, she would have looked very daft.

gilliangoof · 13/03/2014 22:42

It is customary to pay for best man and bridesmaids' accommodation. We certainly did and did not expect their gifts to cover the cost AT ALL. The best man in particular is doing the couple a big favour, having to give a big speech that everyone attending the wedding expects to strike a perfect balance of hilarious, warm and interesting. It's a big thing to do for someone so he should not have to pay for the room and can give the couple whatever the two of you think is an appropriate money without trying to cover wedding costs.

MusicalEndorphins · 13/03/2014 22:43

"When they set up home"

If they are not already living together, call up the brides mother and ask for their china pattern or registry list, and get something off of that.
Money is for the ones who already have all their china and so on.

Glasshammer · 13/03/2014 22:44

150 or 100 would be perfect. 400 is crazy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/03/2014 22:46

It completely depends. We had bigger gifts than that all the way through to a jar of Marmite. A lot is cultural.

SingSongSlummy · 13/03/2014 22:52

Just for info, the average cost of a wedding gift (per invite, not per person) in the UK is £72.50, so £400 is way over the odds!

Original poster
seeminglyso · 13/03/2014 22:54

Thanks everyone ...Yes I think my husband is getting it very wrong isn't he....I knew it wasn't just me. Yup parents will be picking up some of the tab and like I said you do expect to have costs from a wedding. I think 400 will either embarrass or make my husband look like a bit of a dick who is trying to show off (which he really isn't I just think he thinks he is obliged to fork out a lot).

OP posts:
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