Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 400 pounds is too much for a wedding present?

125 replies

seeminglyso · 13/03/2014 21:21

Hi there, can you help me my husband is best man for his friend and thinks we should give them 400 pounds for a wedding gift. We are not loaded and this is a lot for us as it is for most people. He feels that as they paid 170 for our accommodation this is fair, but I have commented that people do expect to pay out for a wedding and paying for the best mans accommodation is customary. What do others think? AIBU?

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 13/03/2014 22:58

I'm from Ireland (well, Northern Ireland but a lot of the customs are the same, and I understandably know loads of Irish people from various part of Ireland). I have never heard of paying 'to cover your plate' as a guideline for the value of a wedding present. I don't know anyone who would do that.

Anyway, back to the OP, I think £400 is a crazy amount to give as a wedding present, and your friends will probably be awkward and embarrassed by it.

treaclesoda · 13/03/2014 22:59

argh! took so long to post that the OP had already been back with an update Blush

mustbetimefortea · 13/03/2014 23:04

We paid for the Best Man's room and got him a gift. Total was about £130. He gave us £50 which we thought was generous.

Original poster
seeminglyso · 13/03/2014 23:06

yeah 72.50 sounds more like it.. that's interesting and a good guide, thanks.

OP posts:
Ilikepancakes · 13/03/2014 23:09

That's rediculous. I don't think they chose to pay for you accomodation expecting to get the price back as a gift - if that as the idea they would have just told you to pay for it up front. Around £100 is plenty, but less is perfectly acceptable.

ParanoidLucy · 13/03/2014 23:16

Yanbu.

HauntedNoddyCar · 13/03/2014 23:19

When DH was best man we paid our own accommodation and bought them a full case of champagne so they could open a bottle each month for their first year of marriage.

It wasn't Krug but it was about 200 quid.

HauntedNoddyCar · 13/03/2014 23:21

A.d we stayed in a local pub!

Bankholidaybaby · 13/03/2014 23:21

We normally buy a gift costing about £100. I think £400 is a lot. £200 would be a very good present.

Deb2202 · 13/03/2014 23:25

I remember being bowled over when my brother gave us 100 quid! If I was given 400 I don't know what I'd think or do, I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable about it.

The general vibe round here is about 50 quid for family/friends.

Although I do see where he's coming from, when I was bridesmaid I paid for the bride and I to go for a spa day a couple of days before the wedding as a little extra on top of a present.

dancingnancy · 13/03/2014 23:32

Not if you are close to the couple. Going to a wedding soon and talking of a 500 gift, but close to groom.

HaroldLloyd · 13/03/2014 23:35

If you had a special present in mind bit handing over 400 cash I would think is way too much 50 is my limit.

Ohbyethen · 14/03/2014 00:10

Yanbu, that's ludicrous and more than likely to lead to embarrassment - if they are close enough to be best man for each other then they probably are aware of the relative cost of £400 for you. If I was the bride I would find it awkward as I would either be embarrassed to accept that & embarrassed to decline.

If they are paying for accommodation etc they don't seem to be grabby & will appreciate that attending a wedding is expensive and that part of your gift is the work a member of the wedding party does.

There seems to be an increasing culture of trying to make a cash profit from a wedding or at least expectingto cover your costs (separate to requesting cash as they already have a home together, which is fine by me) - I've seen a lot of couples spending money they don't have with the assumption gifts will be enough to pay it off & I've seen a few ungraciously disappointed. The entitlement to the 'big day' of their dreams overrides the fact they don't have the budget to pay for it.
I've even seen threads here where brides are unhappy that their guests have said they can't attend due to cost as the venue is extortionate and the only way the couple can use it is by making guests pay - so complaints about guests not coming or trying to book a cheaper b&b near by.
I realise I'm off on one a bit but it gets right on my tit end.

Hope your DH sees sense & you have a lovely time.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/03/2014 00:46

It would be an embarrassing amount to accept as a gift from a none family member.

It's as good as saying to the couple (unless everyone is silly rich) that you think they are broke and cannot afford to pay for the event without your contribution.

If you can afford it £100 would be a generous gift but there is no real set amount you should give even if anything more than about £150 is a bit vulgar and showey and many people would be offended by it.

Apatite1 · 14/03/2014 00:52

£400 is a very generous gift and I'd only expect this from someone who was very well-off. If money is in any way tight, then it's far too much and probably more than anyone will give anyway.

lessonsintightropes · 14/03/2014 01:03

I would be horrified if someone had spent that much on a gift for us. Quite a lot of people gave us £50, others under that amount. Only exceptions were cash gifts from parents and grandparents specifically to help pay for the wedding. I think they'd feel awkward and a bit weird about being given that much. IIRC (we were married last year) the biggest gift we had was from DH's brother and it was £100 which felt far too much and made us feel a bit guilty TBH.

scottishmummy · 14/03/2014 01:07

Oh bogs yes too much

munchkinmaster · 14/03/2014 01:21

We paid (or rather dh did) a good few hundred when he was a best man. We also paid for own room (£250) in hotel . Madness but no telling my dh. This went on for a bit (expensive christening gift etc).

We then got married and they gave us £60 in vouchers. Was such an odd thing to do (making cost so obvious rather than getting a present) and that stopped my dear groomzilla.

I actually think they may have been making a point and putting a stop to it all deliberately.

scottishmummy · 14/03/2014 01:27

What's your point?your dp splashed cash on couple,you expected equivalent amount?
Its so reductionist?you spend x but they only gave£60vouchers.so you're put out

Wurstwitch · 14/03/2014 01:43

Er, no. I think she was pointing out that her 'dear groomzilla' had been in the wrong for splashing his cash about as it was unnecessary, not that she felt hard done by... Glass half empty?

scottishmummy · 14/03/2014 01:45

Ed,what a dreadful summation

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 14/03/2014 02:36

Depends on the culture. In OHs culture a present of £400 would've ok from the immediate family, but not from a non family member.
But it would be assumed that it would be 'gifted' back, so a loan really.

In English culture (though I'm not English) £400 is a hell of a lot. I can only speak from my experience, when my friend married I wasn't a bridesmaid due to serious family politics (long story) anyway we/I were treated as though we were part of the wedding party. So the whole thing was in a very nice hotel. We were invited to dinner the night before the service, all paid for as was our room for the night before the wedding, the wedding night, and the next night. The only thing we paid for was our drinks on the day/night after the wedding.

Saying all that we spend £50 on a gift and £100 on travel vouchers and that was thought to be too much. . .

Lamu · 14/03/2014 03:20

Last summer we attended 6 weddings in total. It's ridiculously expensive being a guest these days!

I would say absolute maximum for us would be around the £100 mark for friends, possibly more for family. Although it's £40-£50 depending on what's left on the gift list.

Odaat · 14/03/2014 06:54

Stanley- i jut think a fiver in a card is a tad cheap! I mean come on!? A fiver on a gift fine. But puttin fiver in a card is not something I would do for a wedding gift. I am not one for buying extravagant gifts- or expecting as much, but there a limits ...

Odaat · 14/03/2014 06:55

I know this is not the 'right on' or 'politically correct' thin to say (being a liberal myself) but I think most people I know wouldnt dream of giving that as a gift, sorry if this offends anyone!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread