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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you were an only child do you think you missed out on having a sibling?

117 replies

widdle · 13/03/2014 16:02

Also inspired by the thread on asking what made you decide on a second child I just wanted to rephrase the question slightly differently. If you are an only child did you feel lonely/sad etc or do you think it had a negative impact on your life?

We have one son and the only thing that is making me consider a second is that I feel he might be missing out on having a sibling.

OP posts:
MolotovCocktail · 13/03/2014 17:07

I am an only child and I yearned for a sibling. I missed the company of someone else my own age in the house and to this day (I'm 31yo now), I would love a sibling.

However, I have an extremely close bond with my parents. I have never had to share them, compete for their time and attention. They dedicated themselves 100% to me and I relished being their one and only baby.

If you do not feel the desire for another child (I haven't read the whole thread yet as I wanted to be honest) don't have another just to give your existing child a sibling. You really need to want the child yourself, you know?

Fwiw, I have 2 dds aged 5yo and almost 2yo. Sometimes they squabble amd siblinghood isn't smooth. It is certainly a learning curve for me!

DrankSangriaInThePark · 13/03/2014 17:09

For every "lonely only" there is someone who has siblings they have never got on with.

I think the only possible negative thing about being an only (apart from other people presuming you are some weird antisocial recluse as a result Wink) is, as Sinister says, the care of elderly parents thing. But would having a brother or sister helping you to care for an ailing parent change much about the fact that we all become the care-givers when our parents get older? Dunno.

Family is just random clumps of DNA at the end of the day. I know very few people who can hand on heart say their sister or brother is their best friend.

Whitewaters · 13/03/2014 17:12

Both DH and I are onlys, and we are both adamant that we will have more than one child.
As a young child I didn't mind at all. As a teenager I hated it - particularly, going on holiday with my parents and no one else roughly my age. I was painfully shy as a teenager/young adult and always wondered if having a sibling might have helped me interact with other young people better and maybe brought me out of my shell.
Now, as an adult, I'm gutted I'll never have nephews/nieces and my children will not have cousins. I know there's no guarantee siblings=nephews/nieces, or a good sibling bond, but I have always wondered, and no siblings definitely means no bond and no nephews&nieces!

davidjrmum · 13/03/2014 17:22

I don't think family are just random clumps of DNA. I have 2 brothers and what we have is a shared history/memories of a whole childhood together. I'm very glad that we will be able to support each other as our parents are getting older and I love having neices and nephews and seeing them growing up alongside my own children. As others have said, you may not have a bond with siblings but if you don't have any siblings you definitely won't have a bond.

RabbitPies · 13/03/2014 17:25

My parent's friends have reached the age where their patents require some care,and in every case there's only one sibling actually looking after them. Usually a woman,or the eldest,while the others leave them to it.

My mother didn't receive any help from her surviving siblings either. Of course this isn't always the case,but having a sibling is no guarantee that you'll have help with caring for an elderly parent.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 13/03/2014 17:26

Well, technically, we are all just random clumps of DNA. And some of those random clumps born into families will have fantastic relationships with each other, and some won't.

I have 3 cousins, who are brothers. 17 yrs between the oldest and the youngest, they barely speak when they pass in the street. They have shared memories as well, but they just don't get on.

As I said, for every for-onlies there is an anti. At the end of the day, it's up to the individual. There is no right or wrong.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 13/03/2014 17:27

Nope not a bit of it op.

ClownsLeftJokersRight · 13/03/2014 17:28

Only now as an adult and three dc of my own can I see what I missed.

But everyone will have a unique experience. I didn't miss it at the time.

By comparison to my own dc (and yes, being an only child was a factor in wanting more than one myself) my childhood was rather quiet, adult orientated and the focus on me to be dutiful and not put a foot wrong over the years has been quite a weight to bear at times.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 13/03/2014 17:30

I wasn't an only child but there was a big age gap between me and my brother, so most of the time I did feel like an only child

I do feel I missed out, I do wish I had had siblings closer in age

ClownsLeftJokersRight · 13/03/2014 17:39

Lol Molotov Me too! Re 'siblinghood isn't smooth. It is certainly a learning curve for me!'

I'm not sure I 'get' it even now and mine are all teens. I knocked myself out for years trying to treat them all as only children before I understood that being part of a bigger family means not everyone has to have or do it all at the same time..Confused

And the chaos and bumping off one another took a lot of trying to understand too. My childhood was very ordered and quiet and serious.

Often, even now, I'm bemused by them all and their interaction with one another. In a good way of courseGrin But the younger me would have envied them. They have much more fun than I did. I'm glad to be part of it now though and to experience it.

violator · 13/03/2014 17:41

DH is from a family of four children.

One lives in Australia, he sees him once every two years and they talk maybe twice a year.
One lives in the Middle East and they last spoke at Christmas.
One lives 200 miles away and they do not see eye to eye at all.

I've asked him about his childhood and he genuinely can't remember a lot, his favourite memories are being with his friends at football and the beach. This, coming from a boy who had the picture-perfect childhood, growing up in a country house beside the sea with a SAHM .... all the things we're told make a wonderful childhood.

My mum had three siblings. When her mum and dad were terminally ill, she was left with ALL the responsibility. All of it. Her siblings were less than useless when she needed them.

People will obviously state the benefits of the path they have chosen.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 13/03/2014 17:41

No as I spent all my time and holidays with friends with big families and with cousins.

Its hard now though with noone to help care for elderly parents/auntie

AphraBane · 13/03/2014 17:42

I hated it as a child - the only child of older parents - and I hate it now. I had lots of friends but the sheer, overwhelming loneliness was horrible. It was particularly bad when my dad died 20 years ago and my mum tried to get me to move back to her because she had nobody else, and even worse two years ago when my mum was critically ill (and then died) and there was nobody to split the worry with. Now I hate that I have no parents and no siblings, that my children have no aunts or uncles on my side, that there is nobody to share childhood memories with.

When DH's parents died he was able to split both the worry and the practical work with his siblings. Not all sibs can do that, but many manage it to some extent. It's not about being your 'best friend' with a sib, that would be a bit weird, but simply having someone in the same position as you, someone who deflected from your parents' attention when you were growing up, someone who changed the family dynamic from being two adults and one child, someone who understood when you wanted to whinge about something at home.

"Surely you can't miss what you have never had?"

Isn't that a bit of a silly thing to say? Of course you can feel a sense of loss for what you've never had, if you can see what others have. What do you think women who can't have children at all are feeling if not that same sense of something being absent?

When you have an only child you take a risk - some kids seem to love it, others hate it (you only need to see the split opinions here). You need to accept that risk, just as you accept a risk simply by having any child, or the risk if you have two that they will utterly hate each other one day. There are no guarantees with kids.

TheHouseofMirth · 13/03/2014 17:46

I'm an only child. It was lovely to have lots of attention and freedom/choice (my parents didn't have compromise on what I wanted by taking a siblings needed/wishes into account). However, my parents' relationship was decidedly rocky which put huge pressure on me as all their love and attention was focused on me, which is actually quite a responsibility and to this day means I feel I have to take all responsibility for other people's happiness. Also, when things go wrong it means you have no one to share this with. Sadly both my parents died within 2 years of each other when I was 20/22 years old and meant I had to deal with everything all by myself and it means to this day that I have no one to reminisce with about them.

Because my DH is an only child too DS1's only living relative who is an active presence in his life (we both a have aunts/uncles/cousins with whom we have lost touch) is DH's mum so I thought it was really important to give him a sibling. Much as I dearly love DS2, they fight awfully and I have the distinct impression that DS1 feels his life was ruined by his brother coming along. Also, I guess because I am an only child, I find it really difficult to parent two children.

Don't have another child unless you really want one.

LouisaJF · 13/03/2014 17:48

I hated being an only child but looking back it is largely down to a lunatic mother.

My DM has a lot of issues, didn't seem to like having a child and took everything out on me until she finally broke contact when I was 28.

I think I felt very isolated when dealing with her problems as friends didn't understand and the rest of the family were unaware. I always felt that if there had been more than one of me some of the attention would have been deflected and the burden shared.

Reflecting on this, I don't think being an only child is a bad thing if you have normal, rational parents. I think you have extra work to do to make sure they are social and not the stereotypical spoilt brats, but having parents completely dedicated to just you can be a lovely thing.

TheGreatHunt · 13/03/2014 17:49

But how can an only child know what they've missed when they've never really had it?

Same for those with siblings.

I have four siblings. I cannot imagine growing up just me, especially as my childhood was a tough one.

But I didn't have more than one DC just to give ds a sibling, it was also because I wanted more than one.

TheGreatHunt · 13/03/2014 17:50

I will add, my two fight. I fought with my brother a lot but my love for him was and is very fierce. God forbid I will cry a thousand bucket of tears if anything ever happened to him.

EvenBetter · 13/03/2014 17:51

I'm an only and I love it. I would've hated to have a sibling, or worse, more than one sibling.

Shudder.

theeternalstudent · 13/03/2014 17:52

DD is an only child. I would really have loved to have given her a brother or a sibling but things just haven't worked out that way.

Strange, DD just said to me "I wish I was like my cousins and Topsy and Tim" I asked why expecting her to say because they had each other. Her reply? "because they have stairs"!

I have a brother with whom I'm not particularly close. When my dad was going through his cancer treatment DB did nothing to help. He hid behind his work and refused to admit that anything was wrong. He was too busy. All the trips to the hospital, the counselling, the hand holding and the house cleaning/meal preparing was done by me. At that time I was a working single mum and DD was just 18mths old.

Having siblings do not guarantee that you will have help with your elderly and infirm parents either.

natwebb79 · 13/03/2014 17:53

My colleague is an only and said she hated feelng like she was her parents' only chance of 'a success'. Her parents didn't put her under that pressure but she felt it. She went on to have 4 kids...Grin

violator · 13/03/2014 17:54

"Surely you can't miss what you have never had?"
I don't think it's a silly thing to say.

There's lots I didn't have as a child that others had but that's life isn't it? You get on with what you do have.

Feeling something is absent that was never there to start with is indicative of a bigger issue than whatever it is a person feels they are missing.

LadyInDisguise · 13/03/2014 18:01

I am only child and I've always dreamt to have a sibling. That's one of the big reason why we now have two (and would have loved 3 if DH had been happy with it).

YY to feeling isolated and also not having the possibility to test social relationships within the safety of home.
As a result I also have always being more at ease with adults than children.
Actually this is also one of the reasons I wanted my 2 to be close together so that they would have mure chance to be close together than if they were let's say 6 years apart.

TwittyMcTwitterson · 13/03/2014 18:03

It really bothered me as a child. I'd have friends round all the time but it just isn't the same. I was very lonely when my friends couldn't play and if we went out for a meal or a day trip if never have anyone to play with.

As an adult I don't see much difference as I live far away from home. I still long for that relationship. Also, if I had siblings, my parents wouldn't be as lonely Hmm

ClownsLeftJokersRight · 13/03/2014 18:03

I understand the feeling of being under the microscope as it were. I don't think my parents expected me to be a glittering success as such, they were benignly 'hands off' 70's parents really regarding anything to do with childhood stuff that involved too much interaction from them.

But there was always an awful lot of kerfuffle and much fuss made if I ever stepped out of line. Which looking back I didn't really. I'm only talking about quite tame things like boyfriends, staying out with friends etc which at the time I tried to flex my independance I was nearly 20 fgs.. But the feeling that I mustn't let them down and to be dutiful has stayed with me into my 50's.

LadyInDisguise · 13/03/2014 18:05

And YY to the lack of aunties uncles and extended family. My mum was one if 4 and I loved being part if a big family and regret not being able to give that to my dcs as I don't have any siblings myself.

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