to reject a party invitation because of the party activity (football)

[bassingtonffrench]

This is really on behalf of my DS who I think is being unreasonable but I don't know how to change that.

DS has been invited to an eighth birthday party by a friend in his class. it is a five a side, company run football theme party. DS has said he won't go because he doesn't like football. He is really consistent about not liking football and is almost a bit phobic about it. Basically he knows he's not good at football and he can't deal with that.

he likes the child and has known him for years. He doesn't get that many party invitations, perhaps because he has a habit of isolating himself in this way, so I'm keen for him to go.

Should I go all out to persuade him? Perhaps by finding out who else is there? It would be reassuring to him if there are girls for example. Or should I just let it lie, accept his preferences, and politely decline?

I was "shit at all sports". If you have poor co-ordination like I do it really does make it difficult. Team sports were particularly tricky because I'd always let the rest of them down by just being hopeless.

Sparkling - have a look at what dyspraxia means. It's pretty much a definition of 'shit at all sports'.

One of DS2's best friends has Dyspraxia. He goes over to the fields with them all with a football. I will have to ask DS2 about it, but he's never mentioned anything.

If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't go. Surely it's that simple?

Not liking football is not a big deal nor should you make it one. Tell the mum you have prior arrangements, I'm sure the boy who has invited will get over your son not attending.

Dyspraxia is not a one size fits all diagnosis, either. So some children will be better at some things than others. My niece is dyspraxic - she can play some games but tends to fall over a lot. My best friend here, her DS has a more severe form, and has extremely low muscle tone - he has no stamina for anything and football would wear him out in very few minutes. He also has verbal apraxia - his mouth muscle tone was so poor that he had real troubles learning how to frame sounds.

I really don't understand the point of forcing a small boy to go to a party he doesn't want to go to, to do an activity he hates and is shit at. Really, what is the point? Life lessons, bollocks. He'll have plenty of time as he grows older to learn that he has to do stuff he doesn't like - he doesn't have to associate parties with being something he "has to do even though he doesn't want to", ffs, and am quite :( that some people think he should.

OP, why would it be reassuring to him if girls are there? Are girls not good at football?

Party update. He is not going and have arranged playdate with party boy instead. told party mum the truth and she is fine about it.

Eurotrashgirl In his limited seven year old experience ie. his class, girls are less interested and less good at football. Their presence would make the party less intimidating to him. In contrast most of the boys are into football and a couple play in junior squads for major league teams. I know this is not true everywhere but it is true in his class. But I don't think there are any girls going anyway for exactly that reason.

Interesting many people have made a link to 'rubbish at sports' and 'dyspraxia'. But the thing is DS isn't rubbish at sports and I'd hate for him to see himself this way. He doesn't have any problems with co-ordination. He swims well, cycles, climbs, not a bad gymnast, can catch and throw OK, can do bat and ball games etc.. His barrier against football is a mental one more than it is a physical one.

Basically I feel DS tends to reject things he can't immediately succeed at AND he can be a bit snobby about things that he sees as overly mainstream and/or hyped up (like football). I have complete sympathy with this as I can be like this too, but they are not traits I am keen to encourage. But equally, I don't think they can be overcome via a single party invitation.

Yes I'd love it if he had the maturity to grin and bear it for the sake of the birthday boy but frankly he's not up to that yet and I don't want him causing concern for the mum who I'm sure will be stressed enough already!

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts everybody. I wish we could get all these football hating boys together. they are far too thin on the ground here!

Sounds like a good outcome, OP.

I have found this quite a depressing thread, as the mother of a toddler boy.

There are clearly lots of boys who don't like football - either supporting a club or playing it - but it seems that it is considered so normally central to the lives of boys and men in this country that it's almost isolating not to find it of crucial importance.

I look at my football-mad FIL and BILs and the way in which supporting premiership clubs (despite not even living in the UK) absolutely dominates their weekends, and their conversation and mental life during the rest of the week, and it depresses me to think that my wonderful little boy is supposed to grow up to be that fixated, and to have that as his fixed topic of conversation/locator of his sense of identity whenever he meets another man or boy.

I don't think there is an equivalent in female emotional life which fulfils the same role, is there?

Shoes and chocolate apparently Burren - equally depressing!

...but it is the birthday celebration his friend has chosen to share with him

It wasn't chosen by the OP's DS's friend though, was it? I bet the parent chose it because his/her DS likes it.

What is it with children's parties these days? Why can't it just be egg sandwiches, jelly, musical chairs and pass the parcel? Too much blancmange trodden into the carpet? Save a fortune that way .....

Burren - please don't let this thread depress you.

As a wife and mother in a football crazy house, football isn't as bad as this thread makes out. My husband is an U8's coach so football is a huge part of our lives, there are 12 boys on the team including my DS8 and DS6, DS8 is obsessed and can talk for hours about it.

But, DS6 plays it but just for the social interaction, he was rubbish when he first started but over the past 3 years, he's actually got really good and has learnt a lot from being part of a team.

My point is football can be a very positive influence on boys and girls, it's not just about the physical ability to play it, it's about interacting and socialising with other children, being part of a team.

I knew this would turn into a football bashing thread.

Taffeta - no footie bashing from me. My DS is footie-mad, and I'd rather he spent time kicking a ball around than in front of the telly or playing on the ipad. I'd also rather he talked about football that about some of the rubbish that his non-footie friends discuss.

He's not an instinctively sociable child, so it has taught him about being part of a team, and he really looks forward to every weekend.

Sorry, a bit sensitive, every single thread I've ever read on MN about football bashes it.

People always manage to shoehorn in how evil adult football is when people on MN often just want to discuss kids football.

I can't talk about it in RL as DS plays at quite a high level and everyone seems to hate this, although quite what business it is of theirs I'm not sure.

There is a feeling as well that kids that are good at football are also bullies which is a very crass and unfair generalisation IMO. Generally, on MN, if your kid is good at football then they are to be either pitied, despised or watched closely for ASBO behaviour.

Burren - I think that there isn't any one thing that girls are supposed to be fixated on, rather a range of things - appearance, shopping and accessories might cover it, I suppose! Oh and chocolate (but everyone in our house could be considered chocoholics, not just me!)
I'm not a typical girl except for the chocolates - shopping bores me, I don't do much with my appearance and accessories bore me even more than shopping does. I still have nice things, but I keep them for as long as I possibly can so I don't have to go shopping for new ones!

OP - glad you've sorted this out for your DS and I hope his playdate goes well. :)

Where I come from, football is much more popular with girls than it is with boys.

Glad you are not forcing him to attend.

Personally I would never make my children take part in something that is meant to be fun if they won't find it fun.

We spend too much time encouraging them to do things they HAVE to do like homework, tidying their bedrooms etc that their leisure time should be spent how they choose within reason

The issue is that boys seem to be expected to either play it or know and talk about it.

That is certainly the case here. It's a football mad area so it's no surprise and not really a bad thing for those who are interested in football.

DS is only 4 but at the moment very much think football is rubbish but loves rugby (in as much as we get in and watch the night before match on a Saturday morning rather than Cbeebies!). Yesterday for sports relief most of the boys (and a large chunk of girls) were in football shirts, he was happily in his rugby shirt.

I think though even to be a boy with an interest in another sport is easier than to be a boy with no interest in sport. There is an assumption boys will like sport in the same way girls will like make up!

I made ds go to a football party last year. He hates football and didn't want to go. I really regretted it. When I went to collect him he had spent the first half of the party crying and the second half chatting to the birthday boy's dad about Star Wars while 'helping' him get the food ready. The family were very kind to ds but I felt terrible that he had been a pita.
I now just reply ' I'm sorry but ds won't be able to come to x's party. We hope he has a lovely time'.

Round here a lot of the boys play football on Saturdays and Rugby on Sundays.

But lots of boys play neither-preferring Minecraft/Pokemon/whatever.