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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to reject a party invitation because of the party activity (football)

128 replies

bassingtonffrench · 12/03/2014 13:36

This is really on behalf of my DS who I think is being unreasonable but I don't know how to change that.

DS has been invited to an eighth birthday party by a friend in his class. it is a five a side, company run football theme party. DS has said he won't go because he doesn't like football. He is really consistent about not liking football and is almost a bit phobic about it. Basically he knows he's not good at football and he can't deal with that.

he likes the child and has known him for years. He doesn't get that many party invitations, perhaps because he has a habit of isolating himself in this way, so I'm keen for him to go.

Should I go all out to persuade him? Perhaps by finding out who else is there? It would be reassuring to him if there are girls for example. Or should I just let it lie, accept his preferences, and politely decline?

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2014 17:30

Why make up a huge elaborate lie quiet?

Burren · 12/03/2014 17:36

The suggestion that you were being unreasonable and should make your son go, otherwise he won't find his place in some football-related male pecking order, suggests a pretty essentialist attitude towards small boys from whichever poster that was.

Can you imagine an equivalent situation in which a poster was urged to make her daughter participate in a hated activity in order to fit in, otherwise she would have to spend her school lunchtimes chatting?

merrymouse · 12/03/2014 17:37

DS hates football too for similar reasons. Also, majority of his male relatives are sporty but more into triathlon/water sports/snow sports etc.They would follow the major events but no family tradition of supporting a team.

I think it is so obvious when a boy hates football that its best to politely decline (a football party is probably a great choice for most children) and invite birthday boy to your house to do something else on another day.

BackforGood · 12/03/2014 17:52

I wouldn't try to make him go to a party if he doesn't want to, but I wouldn't make up some fictional activity or other reason - if I knew/saw the parent I'd just say, sorry, but he really doesn't like football so he doesn't want to come, thanks for the invitation. If you don't know/see her, then you only have to answer saying he won't be coming, and not give a reason.

Why would it be reassuring if there were some girls there, btw ?

NorwegianBirdhouse · 12/03/2014 19:48

Sounds like a great boy. My nephew who is also 8 is learning to knit and loves it. I wouldn't make him go to the party. He is mature enough by the sound of it to know he does not want to go and I don't think it will change his social scene much, esp if he is not enjoying it.

I would tell the party boy's mum the truth. Sounds like a very good reason to decline to me.

daytoday · 12/03/2014 20:01

I think it is really really common for boys to not like football. My son and lots of his friends don't. They find the obsessive football chat dull. He likes lots of other sports but just doesn't get the football lunacy.

If I were organising a football party I would feel completely fine if the mother approached me to explain and find out more. But don't force him to go - instead ex

daytoday · 12/03/2014 20:02

Argh- explain and apologise and maybe organise a cinema trip with the two lads? A belated happy birthday?

KefaloniaBaby · 12/03/2014 20:02

While I think it's nice that he is getting the choice, I also think there is something in this about doing things because it is important to someone you love; your son doesn't like football, but it is the birthday celebration his friend has chosen to share with him. And on that basis I think he should go and join in as best he can.

I don't love cocktail making or bloody fancy dress but I'm doing both of those things in the next few months because that's how my friends want to celebrate their birthdays.

Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2014 20:06

Ooh yes Kefalonia hen nights at Spas.

manicinsomniac · 12/03/2014 20:08

Wow, slightly off topic but all these football hating boys should come to our school.

Our boys are almost militant in their football hating stance. They will (and do) play it and some support teams but it has an inferior, almost 'sissy' reputation. They're almost comically scornful of footballers and laugh at them for milking injuries etc. Rugby and Cricket on the other hand seem to rule their little lives.

I don't think for a second that they really dislike football - they just pretend to because they think it's cool to despise it.

AnnoyingOrange · 12/03/2014 20:09

My football mad ds loathes discos and has always refused invitations to disco parties. It hasn't hindered him socially at all

Probably because he's playing football at break

RandomMess · 12/03/2014 20:11

Taking them both climbing instead if the birthday boy would enjoy that, or just have him around for tea with cake and other birthday treats. My dds loving any excuse to celebrate anyone birthday with them! If I child really doesn't want to do a specific activity like this then I think forcing them is just a potential disaster all around.

Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2014 20:13

I don't get the Rubgy thing. I want my two to not have wide necks and cauliflower ears. And the banter/jolly japes? No ta.

Cricket has never featured at all. Bit too sedate probably.

KefaloniaBaby · 12/03/2014 20:17

Sparkling it's grim, isn't it?

But I also think it's kind to join in and celebrate with the person as they choose. Suck it up, in other words.

Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2014 20:22

I know what you are saying Kefalonia, sometimes in life you have to do stuff you don't want to to make others feel good.

Lots of children don't get invitations to parties, so turning one down does seem a bit ungrateful.

KefaloniaBaby · 12/03/2014 20:29

Yeah, agreed.

I think I'd try the old 'look I know it's not your favourite thing but it's Xs birthday and he's your friend...etc etc'

I think it's a wee lesson in empathy.

kim147 · 12/03/2014 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dietcokeandwine · 12/03/2014 20:33

I have a football hater too OP. It's surprising how many boys do actually dislike it. My DS is 9 and cheerfully geeky (Aspergers) but in no way has his loathing of football (or being rubbish at football, or any ball sport tbh!) been an issue. He's simply found like-minded boys who love the things he loves (Pokemon, karate, minecraft etc) and ignored the football crowd.

In all honesty I'm actually very relieved that he isn't into football. Interestingly a lot of my friends with football mad boys have found that there can be quite a lot of nastiness at school about it.... if boys are good at it, great, but if football mad but not actually that good then it can cause major unhappiness for those boys, and behaviour verging on spite from the talented ones. (I'm sure this doesn't happen everywhere but it's certainly the case at our school). None of this kind of nastiness seems to happen with the geeky minecraft crowd!

Your boy sounds lovely...I am not sure what to advise really about the party but I would probably do a polite decline and arrange a separate play date if it were me.

Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2014 20:34

I doubt they would be cruel at a birthday party TBH.

Both my DSs are Goalkeepers-they have developed very thick skins.

AWimbaWay · 12/03/2014 20:35

I agree that sometimes in life you have to do stuff you don't want to to make others feel good, however I don't think this is usually one of them.

There will be another 12 little boys who adore football attending the party my son has declined. The birthday boy will have a great time with his enthusiastic guests and really won't notice my Ds not being there. He might well have noticed my Ds looking a tad awkward and uncomfortable if he did go though. If it was a best friend's party then it would be different.

I know my own Dcs are normally far too busy (at this young age) thinking about themselves at their own parties to worry about which particular children are there. I definitely know that as a parent I'm usually delighted if a few children can't make it .

Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2014 20:38

There will be another 12 little boys who adore football attending the party

Or some that do and some that are going for the 'birthday' bit?

iklboo · 12/03/2014 20:42

Another football hating DS here (and DH). He wouldn't want to go to a football party either, especially if the boy wasn't his 'best' friend.

It's amazing how many bloke's (extended family) opening conversation gambits to DS are 'do you like football?' or 'what football team do you support'. When he says he doesn't like it they look at him like he's gone mad & then usually wander off. No other attempt at conversation.

FIL once said 'he HAS to like football or there's something wrong with him'. That didn't go down very well with me or DH.

AWimbaWay · 12/03/2014 20:43

True for most parties Sparkling, but I happen to know most of the boys in Ds's year are indeed football mad. I know this as it's causing me a bit of heartache as a Mum. I would actually love Ds to enjoy football and must admit to pushing him into it in the past against his wishes, I just think it would make life easier for him.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 12/03/2014 20:49

I would try to persuade him to go.

It is nice to be invited to a party. It is nice to accept the invitation graciously. It is nice to learn it is not always about you, and that sometimes you do something that isn't your favourite, as it is about the birthday boy.

It is fine not to like football, but don't make it something that defines him. Like I know a boy who does not like chocolate, this is something he mentions often, and it makes him think he is special/ better than other kids. He gets lots of praise from his mum for not liking chocolate

So don't make a big deal out if it, just go.

My 2 sons don't like football, they just go in goal or ref or do a commentary.

Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2014 20:53

It's fine to not like football without having to 'hate' it too.
Why hate?

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