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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to reject a party invitation because of the party activity (football)

128 replies

bassingtonffrench · 12/03/2014 13:36

This is really on behalf of my DS who I think is being unreasonable but I don't know how to change that.

DS has been invited to an eighth birthday party by a friend in his class. it is a five a side, company run football theme party. DS has said he won't go because he doesn't like football. He is really consistent about not liking football and is almost a bit phobic about it. Basically he knows he's not good at football and he can't deal with that.

he likes the child and has known him for years. He doesn't get that many party invitations, perhaps because he has a habit of isolating himself in this way, so I'm keen for him to go.

Should I go all out to persuade him? Perhaps by finding out who else is there? It would be reassuring to him if there are girls for example. Or should I just let it lie, accept his preferences, and politely decline?

OP posts:
Original poster
bassingtonffrench · 12/03/2014 14:21

interesting question sparkling brook .

They don't do football in PE yet as far as I know but he has done some tag rugby which he enjoyed and did OK at.

He came joint last (with the party boy!) in the races at sports day which he found upsetting, but he also won an award for a 'good attitude' for the other activities. He excels at climbing and is a good cyclist.

He is basically exactly like his father Grin who finds his lack of footballing prowess and knowledge a bit of a social disadvantage in his adult life!

OP posts:
AWimbaWay · 12/03/2014 14:21

They don't seem to do football in PE at my dcs school Sparkling, they do ball skills in PE and have after school football clubs. My ds was put off football when he went to an after school club and didn't get to touch the ball once in 6 weeks Sad. He's not very coordinated and is the youngest and smallest in his year. It's quite sad really as it does mean he is excluded from certain groups at playtime, but as it's his own choice not sure what I can do about it. They also have a soccer skills club that I've tried to get him to try as it's more about ball skills where each child practices with their own ball, but he's not interested.

Katnisscupcake · 12/03/2014 14:26

I think I would allow your DS to turn down the invite and be honest at explaining why, but then see if you can arrange for the lad to come around for tea one night instead?

bonkersLFDT20 · 12/03/2014 14:27

I'd be happy for him to decline, but then invite his friend to play another time.

Good for him for not being a sheep.

Viviennemary · 12/03/2014 14:27

If he doesn't want to go to the party he certainly shouldn't be made to go. It's quite reasonable not to like football. Though if you listened to some people it is about the most important thing on the planet.

DeWe · 12/03/2014 14:28

I went to a football party when I was 6yo. I stayed (in my long party dress) and helped set up a game (treasure hunt) and put the candles in the cake and things like that with the grandmother while the rest of the pack went to the field to play. I had a wonderful time. I can only remember lots of details of two parties growing up (including my own) and that is one of them.

Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2014 14:28

I am probably a bit out of date re Primary school Games. But now Dss are 12 and 14 it features heavily in their Games lessons every week.

Football parties are generally held in Sports Hall so not involving cold and mud so that's good.

MrsRuffdiamond · 12/03/2014 14:31

Even if your ds doesn't go to the party in the end, in your shoes (as I am almost phobic about not causing offence!), I would maybe get him to give the boy in question a B'day card with a packet of sweets in, and a note saying thank you for the invitation, sorry I can't come.

I would also be upfront about explaining to the mum that your ds is v. anxious about playing football. Unless you think that would have repercussions at school?

Scholes34 · 12/03/2014 14:36

I'm like sparklingbrook - two football mad DSs. I know football isn't everyone's choice and I'd much rather the parent be honest and not send their child, rather than our choice of party making their child miserable, and I'd hope to find another time for my DS and friend to do something together, perhaps a separate birthday tea.

Nanny0gg · 12/03/2014 14:39

To be fair, sports at primary are a lot more fun for the non-sporty than they used to be, with lots of activities that lead on to 'proper' sports, so lots of fun skills to be learned rather than team-picking and playing the game for an hour. And there's more variety than just netball, football and rounders.

But if a child is really not sporty, then they still may hate it.

Original poster
bassingtonffrench · 12/03/2014 14:42

Thanks for everyone's suggestions.

I don't think just going to the 'party tea' bit is an option as I've just looked up the venue and there is a party package including the activity and the food. I wouldn't want to take up a place just for DS to have a nice party tea!

I think a separate play date is the answer and I think I'll just be upfront with the mum.

I love that story Dewe! If it were a church hall type event I'd go with that but I've looked up the venue and it is virtually a stadium some drive away.

OP posts:
EssexGurl · 12/03/2014 14:53

Please don't make him go. DS is the same age and recently went to a party that wasn't his thing - in the same way football is for your son. He came home really upset that all the boys were better than him and had laughed at him. He had wanted to go, I knew it had the makings of a disaster. Sadly, I was right. Heartbreaking him crying in the way home. He put on a brave face whilst there so the other lads and he family didn't know how upset he was.

Original poster
bassingtonffrench · 12/03/2014 14:55

aw that is so sad Essex. I think Ds may have had some of those experiences too.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2014 15:06

Sometimes being 'sporty' doesn't always work in DCs favour. One Mum told me DS2 wasn't invited to her son's party in case he won. it was a Bowling party. He loves football. Confused

kim147 · 12/03/2014 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch · 12/03/2014 15:19

I'm glad you've pretty much decided to decline the invitation for your DS. I don't think there's any point in forcing him to go to something he really doesn't like or want to do, just because it's a party. And definitely be up-front with the mum about it :)

SamG76 · 12/03/2014 15:28

Sorry, I think YABU. Boys are like hens - they need a pecking order, and as long as your DS goes, he will be part of that order, possibly not very high up, but it probably won't matter. The ones who suffer are those who aren't part of it at all - they will have to spend their breaks chatting...

kim147 · 12/03/2014 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2014 15:41

Football has been very kind to us. DS1 started aged 7 to give him some confidence as he was vv shy. Now 7 years later he plays for 2 teams and loves it.

It's a great sport for making friends. Turn up at the park and just join in, whether you know the children or not. It's a sociable sport.

So maybe I am biased.

nooka · 12/03/2014 15:47

My ds has done very well by opting out of the 'pecking order' as you put it (and I would say that girls are way more interested in hierarchies than boys). He spends his time talking to his geek friends and is in no way unhappy about that!

He did have a couple of football parties when he was much younger, and as a parent I'd say that they were a very easy choice so long as the kids want to kick a ball around. As soon as you have a child that doesn't want to play then they are a bit of a problem as there's not much else for them to do, and bored children that you don't know very well at a party venue is not good!

As a parent I would much rather have known it was an issue, invited someone else to the party and encouraged ds to do something else with the non football child. I'd also say (in general) that football parties tend to attract a relatively young age group (up to 10ish or so) so in a couple of years it probably won't be an issue any more.

Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2014 16:43

The only party I know of that one of mine didn't want to go to because of the activity was a Pizza making one at Pizza Express.

WilsonFrickett · 12/03/2014 16:53

What on earth is wrong with spending your break chatting (if that's what you would prefer to do?) That's a really odd thing to say.

BarbarianMum · 12/03/2014 16:54

Is it a close friend ? Because I think it is quite hurtful to refuse to celebrate a friend's birthday with them just because you don't fancy the activity on offer. Sometimes you just have to suck it up for s friend.
Ds2 hates football but has enjoyed football parties, which were mostly ball games when it came to it.

SamG76 · 12/03/2014 17:21

WF - At my DCs' school, many of the girls have by yrs 4/5 been involved in major fallings out, to the extent that a few have left. By contrast, the boys tend to get on ok. I think the reason is that to play football with eachother you don't need to be best friends, whereas spending the break chatting causes them to break into factions depending on who confides in who, etc.

quietbatperson · 12/03/2014 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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