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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have shown ds2 pictures of scalds?

36 replies

goldenlula · 12/03/2014 00:52

Ds2 is 5.8 years. He has little fear and can find it hard to understand cause=consequence. He is a menace in the kitchen, which is open plan to the dining room. Today he was in the kitchen with dh while he was cooking some rice on the hob, ds2 kept leaning on the oven door (he is a pain at opening this) and his head was very close to the boiling water in the saucepan. Dh must have told him at least half a dozen times to move away, be careful etc, that he will scald/burn himself, it will hurt etc. ds2's reply each time was no I won't, it won't hurt (his reply to most things is this, even if he has hurt himself or broken something before doing the action).
Dh brought him to me in the lounge, to try to get back up on what he was telling him, which of course I did but still he wouldn't believe it, so I showed him some pictures on the iPad of scalds and burns. They were not very graphic ones, but ones showing some blistering and scarring. Was I unreasonable? This is an ongoing issue with him. He also has a worrying obsession with fire and will try to blow out the hob when it is on.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 12/03/2014 00:57

I don't think shock tactics with the photos will necessarily work. You just need to keep him away completely until he can show that he can be sensible and reward him for good practice.

DonnaDishwater · 12/03/2014 00:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Innogen · 12/03/2014 01:02

Dreadful advice from Donna. Don't hurt your child.

scurryfunge · 12/03/2014 01:03

Not sure I would allow my child to be scalded just prove a point, Donna.

bragmatic · 12/03/2014 01:06

Not unreasonable. I'm not sure it will work though. Plenty of kids are ghouls and love looking at all sorts of horrible things. Or is it just mine…????

beluga425 · 12/03/2014 06:14

Donna?!? What terrible advice! first, hurt your child, then enjoy explaining your a actions to the school, social services, a d maybe even the police when he scalds his arm and goes to school and shows everyone!

OP, showing pictures is fine, how did react?

poshfrock · 12/03/2014 06:24

If the cooker is the main area of concern then get a cooker guard.
www.amazon.co.uk/Prince-Lionheart-Cooker-Guard/dp/B006YFQP5Y

99redbafoons · 12/03/2014 06:25

Oh my god Donna! That's awful advice.

I think showing him pictures is fine and a good idea.

elfycat · 12/03/2014 06:35

I'm ignoring Donna's advice as it's just a stupid thing to do. Can you imagine explaining that to the teachers/SS if he mentions it at school

I've shown DD1 pictures of burns/scalds before now. Also I'm clumsy so have a 3 week old burn and a 6 month old burn. I use that to 'demonstrate' why we must be careful. She agreed that it all looks painful.

Possibly do a follow up chat about the pictures when you haven't recently been in an exasperated place. I often find DD1 asks more questions when we cover something a second time and once the information has been processed.

Jollyb · 12/03/2014 06:57

I think it's ok. I showed DD1 3.5 some pictures of black rotten teeth and it's worked a treat. She now asks to brush her teeth rather than clamping her mouth shut!

JeanSeberg · 12/03/2014 07:02

I don't think you were unreasonable but your son is too young to make the connection between head near pan = spilled boiling water = pain etc.

The bit of your post that stood out most to me was your husband having to tell him dozens of times not to go near the oven/hob and that he was so close he could blow the gas out.

I think you need to keep him out of the kitchen until he can prove he will do what he's told. Then when he's allowed back, give him lots of praise for being sensible in the kitchen, listening to instructions first time etc.

Sirzy · 12/03/2014 07:03

Not unreasonable to show them but I doubt a child of that age and with no experince of scalds (thankfully, I am not for a second suggesting anything as daft as Donna is) will associate the pictures with the pain it could cause so not sure how effective it will be.

I think a firm not in the kitchen or not past a certain point rule would be more effective for now. Pita to enforce I know but safer.

MigGril · 12/03/2014 07:03

actually I'm slightly worried by your replies to the other poster. Non of you should have your hot water tap hot enough to scold really it should never be set that high.

But by showing him how hot hot water feels he'll get a much better idea then just looking at pictures.

And turn down your thermostats people hot water should be hot but not hot enough to cause any damage.

ClaimedByMe · 12/03/2014 07:05

There is one on my profile you can show him, both my children seen my scald in the flesh, dressings, trips to the nurse I think it has made them more cautious around the cooker and kettle, it's made me over cautious!

KatieHopkinsEvilTwin · 12/03/2014 07:10

jollyb I have done the same with teeth. They now ask every morning and night to brush their teeth. It wasnt an especially graphic picture, just the sort of thing you'd see hanging in the dentist, but it did the trick.

I think your approach is fine op they have pictures like that hanging in hospitals and our doctors has a display about burns, on the wall. The pictures will hopefully make him think.

littlewhitebag · 12/03/2014 07:12

Jeez Donna Thats one surefire way of getting SS on your doorstep!

OP i think your DS is took young to make the connection between heat and the pictures you showed him. You just need to keep on removing him from hot water/fire/the oven and telling him he will get hurt.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 12/03/2014 07:12

Build a fence with a baby gate in it to keep DC away from the kitchen area of the open plan house. Don't let DC near. You will only need it for a relatively short length of your life but may save the life of your child.

Chipandspuds · 12/03/2014 07:16

I think I would shut him out of the kitchen until he can listen to you better as it's just not worth the risk IMO. Then I'd start letting him back in and setting up an invisible line that he cannot cross so that you can cook safely without him underfoot to trip you up and or burn himself.

Theas18 · 12/03/2014 07:19

stair gate or what ever to keep him out of the kitchen. Fine to show him the pictures but it sounds like as my mum would say " he isn't going to take any notice" or as I would rather re phrase it " he isn't old enough to really take any of it in" :)

Jinty64 · 12/03/2014 07:21

We have a no one in the kitchen whilst I'm cooking policy. If one of them is helping me then I supervise them properly. Whilst I'm juggling dinner for 5 is not the time. I use the back rings on the hob if I am cooking something I leave unsupervised ie soup.

YANBU to take measures to protect him. I would have zero tolerance for any dangerous behaviour ie blowing out the hob and would have firm and consistent punishment.

At almost 6 he should be old enough to to understand these dangers and being told anything once should be enough. Do you have other concerns about his behaviour?

kentishgirl · 12/03/2014 07:26

In the past the advice for kids like this was to light a candle and let them play with it. They'd burn themselves slightly and learn a big lesson. Donna's advice was a more humane version of this, but I think there's too much risk of a scald if your thermostat is not set right, and of course of getting in trouble.

When it comes to children who won't listen even when safety is at stake, I have experience of a child like this. Other kids will listen and understand, for some reason they are unable to, until they mature a bit more. I think that you have to find a strong way to get the message across - without going back to the idea of actually harming them. But some kids can only learn with that strong reinforcement. Ok, so he is not able to absorb and respect 'don't do this as it is dangerous for you'. He can definitely absorb 'don't do this as when you do you get a good smack'. He'll stop doing it. Whether or not you agree with smacking in principle I think with children like this, in circumstances like this, it's the lesser evil. Better one good smack now, than being in a hospital ward with half his skin peeled off. His behaviour is positively dangerous and it seems likely he is going to burn or scald himself.

kentishgirl · 12/03/2014 07:34

And no, you were NBU to show him the pictures.

You need to ban him from the room for a while - he's only permitted in there to sit at the table to eat, entering only for that, and leaving again immediately he is finished. He won't like that. Good. Make it clear that he won't be allowed in again until you can trust him not to act like a toddler. Stairgate is a good idea to enforce that.

Original poster

goldenlula · 12/03/2014 08:09

He can undo the babygate, that was taken away a while back. Our water is set at a mid temperature, no risk of scalding and really only hand hot. He does know what hot feels like, he has touched hot cups before and he burnt (small blister) his finger last year on the bar b Que, again after repeatedly being warned and moved away.
He looked at the photos and said he didn't know that would happen. I have banned him from the kitchen, but also have thpughtvthat involving the children in cooking procedures can instill safe practices to. Ds2 is the type that if banned from something will set about doing it anyway he can, so if I left the kitchen to do something would see his opportunity and go in alone, which is far more unsafe than being in there supervised.

OP posts:

Original poster

goldenlula · 12/03/2014 08:18

Just to add, I am not a poster who has read and ignored all advice. I have taken it all on board and will try some of the advice. Ds2 is quite immature for his age (OT mentioned 'global delay' at the last appointment). kentishgirl has it in a nutshell, nth I am not convinced he would learn even if he did burn himself, he would just think it would not happen again. Going to ban him for now and see how that goes. And take him with me if I have to go upstairs while cooking.

OP posts:

Nataleejah · 12/03/2014 08:23

I did similar with my DC but not sure if it really worked, they still think they're supermen

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