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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to really miss my first child since my second was born and to blame dp?

58 replies

MamaSmurf99 · 10/03/2014 22:20

Dd1 is 5 and from my previous marriage. Dd2 is 18 months and with dp. I love them both hugely and when it is me and one or both of them we're very happy. But when dp finishes work I'll have to wash up while entertaining dd2 while he gets to sit and chat in peace with dd1 - something I'd love to be able, but very rarely am able, to do. Then I play or read with dd2 despite the fact I've done this all day. Of course I like that dp and dd1 get on well but she's always asking if I can do x, y, z with her and I can't because of dd2. IMO dp should be spending time with dd2 after a catch up with dd1 and I should get some time with dd1 alone.

He has his children from his previous marriage on weekends he's off so there's no option for dd1 and I to have alone time then as he feels it isn't fair to have dd2 there as he sees his other kids less often so he should be able to focus on them - he doesn't get that that's completely hypocritical as I never get to spend time alone with my dd1. Aibu to feel resentful towards him about this?

OP posts:

QOD · 10/03/2014 22:22

Tomorrow ask dd1 to help wash up? Give her a fun job?

WilsonFrickett · 10/03/2014 22:25

Don't wash up then. Hand the toddler to DH, go and chat to with DD1. Do the washing up together when the DCs go to bed. No-ones made these 'rules' - they're just habits you've allowed to become entrenched. Do something different tomorrow.

Would be my answer to your first paragraph.

Your second paragraph makes me wonder if DH has properly bonded with DD2?

RandomInternetStranger · 10/03/2014 22:27

At 5 DD was doing the chores with me when I had to get them done during her awake time but I've always left chores till she's in bed or at school. Her home time is her time with me, not time for me to ignore her doing jobs. Why can't your DP do the washing up?? Why can't you do alternate days?

Original poster

MamaSmurf99 · 10/03/2014 22:32

He could wash up, but then I still am with dd2 mainly rather than dd1. It's not as simple as handing toddler to him as he either lets her get bored or frustrated so she comes looking for me or screams the house down, in which case dd1 and I can't relax anyway, or he feeds her whatever will keep her quiet but she's going through a fussy phase and this habit isn't helping.

OP posts:

MyNameIsKenAdams · 10/03/2014 22:33

Hand dd2 over and take dd1 in the bath with you.

Leave dp be. How much has he ever had dd2 on his own? Does he have the two on his own?

rootypig · 10/03/2014 22:36

So you can 'wash up while entertaining DD2' but DP can't?

eightandthreequarters · 10/03/2014 22:37

What was his response when you explained this problem to him?

Agree with hand over DD2 and leave the washing up for after bedtime.

mercibucket · 10/03/2014 22:39

start going swimming with dd1, or another activity that is just for her and out of the house

RandomInternetStranger · 10/03/2014 22:39

Well then tell him to MTFU! It's no excuse that he let's her get bored or feeds her crap, the rule is he doesn't, simples. Sounds like he needs a sharp kick up the flaming backside, I'm presuming he's nearer 40 than 14, tell him to sort it out!

VisualiseAHorse · 10/03/2014 22:40

Yup - leave washing up tll kidlets are in bed. Do both children have the same bedtime? Can you stay up a bit later with DD1 and read/play together?

EverybodysStressyEyed · 10/03/2014 22:42

Ds goes to bed later than dd so that's the time we spend chatting or reading - could you do that?

I would suggest that dd2 bedtime becomes a daddy job but I'm going to guess only mummy will do.

Your dp needs to step up

And what sort if relationship do his older kids have with your kids - particularly dd2 as I can understand dd1 may not want one.

Original poster

MamaSmurf99 · 10/03/2014 22:49

I co-sleep with dd2 then get out after an hour or so. She's an incredibly light sleeper so washing up then would wake her and its obviously not an option for dd1 to wait around while dd2 goes to sleep. Leaving the house isn't optional as dp is on call.

OP posts:

henrysmate · 10/03/2014 22:50

What's the blame about? You not spending enough time with dd1 or him not putting enough effort into integrating the family he's made?

MissDuke · 10/03/2014 22:56

Is he on call all the time??? It seems you are against all ideas suggested!

Iggi101 · 10/03/2014 22:56

Mine are similar ages, and I have trips out with ds1 every so often which I find very good for reconnecting if I've spent the week telling him to leave his db alone etc!

I'll take him to the cinema or out for lunch - something his sibling is "too young for". Do you never get time at the weekend OP? Do the half-siblings not see dd2 at all, from what you've said?

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 10/03/2014 22:58

Get Dd1 involved in a hobby, and have DP look after Dd1 on his own. Ballet/dance, swimming, music?? Lots of hobbies on Sat morning, if your DP home at that time. Sounds like the two of them need to spend some time together to get used to each other.

Casmama · 10/03/2014 22:58

You sound quite defeatist about this. If you are not willing to change your behaviour at all then the situation will not change.
So what if dd2 shouts- she'll need to get used to spending time with her daddy. Take dd1 out for a walk if needs be.
As for sleeping with dd2 for an hour till she goes to sleep- working on this could give you a lot more time.

Original poster

MamaSmurf99 · 10/03/2014 23:04

I'm honestly not being defeatist - I feel like I've tried/considered everything and nothing improves. He's on call every weeknight and with my dsc every weekend, as mostly are we. Dd2 doesn't just shout, she gets hysterical because he lets things escalate. Similarly, I've tried him doing bedtime/not co sleeping and she gets so upset she's sick or poos. It isn't fair on her.

OP posts:

LimeLelloLizard · 10/03/2014 23:08

What do you want him to do? Have you told him?

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 10/03/2014 23:09

It's really important to spend time with each child, even if it's not a huge chunk of time

There are always ways around things to make it possible

We have six dc and I'm disabled so it's not always easy but we try really hard to have one on one time with them all

Just get him to take dd2 sometimes, if she fusses or he moans just leave them to it, he's her dad he'll manage

GimmeDaBoobehz · 10/03/2014 23:12

He sounds like he is rubbish with babies to be honest.

Why have one though if you can't look after the your do that is, not you.

LimeLelloLizard · 10/03/2014 23:12

I can't imagine being in a situation where one of my children can't be put to bed by anyone but me. That is crazy. What happens when you want to go out for a meal or for a drink with friends?

As Kahleesi says, there are always ways to make it possible.

Casmama · 10/03/2014 23:13

He needs to figure out a way to be a proper parent to dd2. It isn't good for her to not have that relationship with her dad and he needs to learn. Can you never go out?

mercibucket · 10/03/2014 23:14

how 'on call' is on call? where can you and dd1 go that is within easy reach? i think you need to start going out of the house to break this pattern with dd2. even just a walk with dd1, or a trip to the park, if you cant do a sport

sleepyhead · 10/03/2014 23:15

Can you start with half an hour? 20 minutes? Enough time for you and dd1 to make some scones or talk about what she did at school, or play a game? Then build it up over time.

It's better obviously if men spend some one on one time with their children from birth to avoid the mum being the default carer and give her a break (imo), but that's clearly not happened for you, so something is better than nothing surely?

Even if it doesn't work out straight away it's still worth keeping trying. As dd2 grows older it should get easier.

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