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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to really miss my first child since my second was born and to blame dp?

58 replies

MamaSmurf99 · 10/03/2014 22:20

Dd1 is 5 and from my previous marriage. Dd2 is 18 months and with dp. I love them both hugely and when it is me and one or both of them we're very happy. But when dp finishes work I'll have to wash up while entertaining dd2 while he gets to sit and chat in peace with dd1 - something I'd love to be able, but very rarely am able, to do. Then I play or read with dd2 despite the fact I've done this all day. Of course I like that dp and dd1 get on well but she's always asking if I can do x, y, z with her and I can't because of dd2. IMO dp should be spending time with dd2 after a catch up with dd1 and I should get some time with dd1 alone.

He has his children from his previous marriage on weekends he's off so there's no option for dd1 and I to have alone time then as he feels it isn't fair to have dd2 there as he sees his other kids less often so he should be able to focus on them - he doesn't get that that's completely hypocritical as I never get to spend time alone with my dd1. Aibu to feel resentful towards him about this?

OP posts:

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 10/03/2014 23:16

It sounds like she's not used to him settling her, but she will never get used to it unless he just does it. What would happen if you had to go away or into hospital? They would manage because they would have to so maybe it'd be better for everybody to sort it out now

Iggi101 · 10/03/2014 23:39

It is easy for the older child to gravitate to dad and the younger to mum, I find that happens a lot (especially as I am the only one with the feeding equipment). I think your weekend should be "chunked" so time can be spent individually as well as all together.

rootypig · 10/03/2014 23:50

You find solutions tat are perfectly workable, unworkable OP. Why?

Wantsunshine · 11/03/2014 00:10

So don't wash up and have family time.

innisglas · 11/03/2014 00:45

Mmm, sounds like you are just going to have to hand the little one over to her dad and not worry about her crying.

My granddaughter is 7 months old and only wants to be with her mother or me, but life isn't that. My daughter is starting back to work and I work too. She cries with other people and it breaks my heart, but I wouldn't say it will take her long to adapt.

Original poster

MamaSmurf99 · 11/03/2014 07:19

Him being on call means he needs to respond and be atwork within 5 mins so dd1 and I can't go anywhere. Dd2 doesn't just fuss or cry, it starts like that, he lets it escalate and then she's hysterical, screaming, red in the face and sweaty, sick and poos. Dd1 and I can hardly ignore all that and 'bake scones.' He has had time alone with her since birth - up until one year old he'd give dd1 and I 5 mins then as soon as dd2 started fussing he'd say she was hungry and needed breastfeeding and hand her over. Dd2 isn't that clingy to me - she's been left with my sister and mil before and was fine but they live too far away to help regularly so I can spend time with dd1.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 11/03/2014 07:29

Have you ever had a conversation about this with him. Have you told him how you feel?

wonderingsoul · 11/03/2014 07:29

i think your problem here is that your partner isnt looking after dd2 right..

if he actually played with her or started distraction her when she got worked up would that stop it?

WilsonFrickett · 11/03/2014 07:29

I don't believe a bowl of washing up would wake an 18 month old child either. Surely the DC is in their bed/your bed and the washing up is in the kitchen?

Bloodyteenagers · 11/03/2014 07:46

What's wrong with him washing up? Being on call shouldn't affect that.
If he that useless or you live in the stone ages where washing up, along with other chores are woman's work, then do it when the dcs are asleep.
CLOSE.doors and the youngest won't hear any noise.

What would happen if you was rushed into hospital in an emergency? He would have to do the routine and more. It's about time that he bickering his ideas and be more of a hands on parent instead of the wet blanket he currently is.

Chippednailvarnish · 11/03/2014 07:52

Is dp living with you yet?

formerbabe · 11/03/2014 07:57

None of what you describe sounds unusual to me...most people with more than one child have to juggle.

monkeymamma · 11/03/2014 07:58

Op you are getting a bit of stick here but I can sympathise. I only have one dc but like your youngest he will only let me put him to bed, this has been the case since he was about 17 months. He is 2. I love putting him to bed but would also like a night off sometimes. But he gets hysterical if dh (who he adores) is even in the room at bedtime. I also know 100% what you mean when you say you can wash up and entertain toddler but dh can't! All I can say us it will get easier within the next few months, now that my ds has discovered duplo, jigsaws, cars etc he will let me wash up etc and I reckon I'd now manage some 121 with an older child if I had one as dh could distract him more easily. Also have you considered cbeebies? Do you have a garden? All these things will help distract dd2 and give you some space to be with dd1 in time.

In answer to your op yanbu to want more time with dd and yanbu to want your dh to step up and help wean dd2 off you a bit. But I know that's not easy especially where dh is working lots so you may need to be patient with him. Yanbu to feel frustrated though.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/03/2014 08:00

The answer is blindingly obvious. If you want to spend time with dd1, then your dp needs to spend time with dd2.
No one is going to have a solution if you come back with stuff like 'she will cry' 'she will wake if I wash up'. Tough luck. Dd2 is ruling your roost and I would say that is despeately unfair on your dd1.
A toddler should not cry if left with Dad, or put to bed by Dad, sort those problems out if you want to spend time with dd1.
Also, you have chosen to.cosleep with dd1 for an hour where most families would be spending time with older child. That's your choice.

Treaclepot · 11/03/2014 08:09

I think you need to look at your relationship with DD2, I bet everytime yr Dh does anything with her you jump in because he is doing it 'wrong' so he has given up.

And as for the co sleeping/tantruming child, you need to ignore it or accept that yur DD2 is going to take over from DD1.
she has worked out of she gets in a real state she gets her own way so either you stop it, which will involve y being tough on DD2 or you accept that your priority is letting DD2 get what she wants snd that this more important than you spending time with your DD.

Also why the hell cant yr dh wash up with dd2?

TheGreatHunt · 11/03/2014 08:15

Maybe the evenings are not the time to expect this. Or you spend time with both kids for a bit (I have two DC and work so rare to get moments with just one or the other until the weekend).

You sound like you resent your do because he does the easier child.

Why not try and break free from cosleeping in the evenings so you can have a little bit of time say at bedtime with your eldest? Or have them both share a room so bedtime can be stories with both. As my youngest gets older I can read stories with both then the youngest messes around with toys then I read with my eldest.

Nomorepeppapig · 11/03/2014 08:15

Could you take DD1 out for ice cream or something tonight just the 2 of you?

Original poster

MamaSmurf99 · 11/03/2014 10:09

Treacle I don't jump in at all, ever.

For those of you saying stop co-sleeping, how do you suggest I do this when she gets hysterical and is sick or poos because she's so distraught? Its a constant cycle of her screaming, being sick, getting changed, screaming, pooing, getting changed etc.

I have spoken to him. He says she's fine when it's just the two of them but not if I'm in the house. If dd1 and I are upstairs reading quietly I don't see that dd2 realises where we are and gets upset.

OP posts:

TheGreatHunt · 11/03/2014 10:12

You don't stop cosleeping by going cold turkey. I've coslept with both and still have periods where I end up in their room (they share).

Have you ruled out reasons for poor sleep?

Have you tried the two sharing?

I would stop by having her in a bed and sleeping next to her. Then work back from there.

Limakilobravo · 11/03/2014 10:15

Can the washing up not wait til morning if it's such an issue??

Original poster

MamaSmurf99 · 11/03/2014 10:22

Washing up isn't an issue! I was trying to demonstrate that dp gets alone time with dd1 and I am always with dd2, whether washing up or not.

TheGreatHunt - I haven't tried to stop cold turkey. She has her own bed in her own room and in dd1s room and doesn't have poor sleep - she sleeps fine with me. I'm not necessarily in a hurry to stop co-sleeping, I like it and dd2 is almost at an age where I think she'll happily transfer to her bed so I don't want to rush and spoil it. It's the evenings where I want time with dd1, bedtime isn't really the issue.

OP posts:

DescribeTheRuckus · 11/03/2014 10:39

You want time in the evenings with DD1. Then you have to face the fact that DD2 will get upset, cry, poo, etc...AND LET HER FATHER DEAL WITH IT! It is unpleasant to hear, but HE is as much her parent as you are, so he needs to figure this out!

eightandthreequarters · 11/03/2014 10:39

So maybe it's that your DH needs to up his game with DD2. You two need to make a plan to give you and DD1 some alone-time in the evenings.

You will take DD1 and will go into your room, or her room, upstairs to play a game or read or whatever. He will stay downstairs with DD2. You will not attend to DD2 no matter what, screaming, pooing, etc. He will deal with it. He will learn how to make it better. The important thing here is that you WILL NOT COME DOWNSTAIRS until the set period of time is over. Keep doing this consistently every night, and DD2 will eventually settle.

He should make a plan of what he intends to do with DD2 during this time. Bath? (I realise that may put him upstairs...) Reading? Singing? Playdough?

DescribeTheRuckus · 11/03/2014 10:42

Agree with eightandthreequarters if he is allowing her to get bored, then he is not attending to her...he needs to find things to entertain her (not try and do it with one eye on the television, newspaper, whatever else he's doing while he's with her).

arethereanyleftatall · 11/03/2014 11:10

My 3 year old started getting herself in to such a state when she didn't get her own way, that she had a massive coughing fit, perhaps with a little bit of throw up.
I completely ignored her.
she came to me ten mins later, said sorry, and then has never done that again.

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