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AIBU?

to really miss my first child since my second was born and to blame dp?

58 replies

MamaSmurf99 · 10/03/2014 22:20

Dd1 is 5 and from my previous marriage. Dd2 is 18 months and with dp. I love them both hugely and when it is me and one or both of them we're very happy. But when dp finishes work I'll have to wash up while entertaining dd2 while he gets to sit and chat in peace with dd1 - something I'd love to be able, but very rarely am able, to do. Then I play or read with dd2 despite the fact I've done this all day. Of course I like that dp and dd1 get on well but she's always asking if I can do x, y, z with her and I can't because of dd2. IMO dp should be spending time with dd2 after a catch up with dd1 and I should get some time with dd1 alone.

He has his children from his previous marriage on weekends he's off so there's no option for dd1 and I to have alone time then as he feels it isn't fair to have dd2 there as he sees his other kids less often so he should be able to focus on them - he doesn't get that that's completely hypocritical as I never get to spend time alone with my dd1. Aibu to feel resentful towards him about this?

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Shelby2010 · 11/03/2014 11:41

Do you spend much time with the 4 of you together? Work out DD2's favourite activity (eg building blocks) and make this something only DP does with her. Stay in the room but focus on DD1, get DD2 to start finding DP more fun & at the same time maybe some gentle coaching so DP is better at distracting her. Same if you're out, it's DP's job to push her on the swings for example.

Also lots of references to DP during the day, even if its means saving a stick she's collected to 'show' daddy when he gets home & 'hurray! Daddy's home' to create a bit of excitement when he arrives. Make sure he is cued to respond appropriately!

No idea if this will work, but at least it's something positive you can try.

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LadyInDisguise · 11/03/2014 12:33

OP I first read your title and though 'what the heck? How on earth can her DP to blame for her having less time for dc1 after the birth if dc2?
Then I read your post and I actually agree. Your DP has to step up. I agree with other posters saying that he doesn't look after his dd the right way when you are around. Maybe he finds it easier with dd1 as she is older and therefore needs less input?

I eod ask HIM what can be done pointing out to him that your dd1 needs one to one attention as much as his own dcs. Therefore what does he propose so you can have done time with dd1 undisturbed? I can not believe that there is never a time when he can be with dd2 and you dd1 wo WWIII starting in the house. Either you need to leave the house, even if to go down the road do you aren't to far away. Or he finds a way to be with dd2 wo so much problem. Especially if he can do that when you aren't there. (When does it happen btw and why? Could that be a time for you and dd1)

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MadameJosephine · 11/03/2014 13:13

I don't understand why he can't take dd2 with him when he has his other dc, does that mean they never get to see their little sister?

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MamaSmurf99 · 11/03/2014 14:17

No, Madame, it means I'm always there too to look afterher. He has had dd2 on his own when he's had annual leave, I've had work to do and dd1 is at her dad's.

She's excited to see him when he finishes work - I think it's just that he doesn't bother to occupy her because he knows I'm there to pick up the pieces (eventually, even if I spend time with dd1 first) if she gets upset. Either that or he sticks her in front of the tv, which she isn't actually interested in, and plays on his phone bewildered at why she starts crying.

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DescribeTheRuckus · 11/03/2014 14:21

it means I'm always there too to look after her Why? Why can't your DP spend some time with ALL his children while you spend time with DD1?? Presumably, he could spend a few hours with DD2 and his other DC while you and DD1 go off and do something nice together?

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LadyInDisguise · 11/03/2014 14:43

Btw why is that that he doesn't dd2 with him when dsc are visiting? I mean I can see why he might want to have some time with them wo her but surely she is their sister too so he might want to allow done time with all the dcs together too?
That would then give you some time on a one to one basis with dd1. And would allow them to bond together too.

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LadyInDisguise · 11/03/2014 14:46

And I would make clear that if you agree that that the next hour is for you to spend with dd1, then you will NOT desk with the crying etc... And stick to it yourself! If he can do when you're not in, he can do it when you are busy Ruth something else!
Btw has he ever spend some time with his dcs when they were little or is he expect 'mum' to always do the childcare side of things?

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MadameJosephine · 11/03/2014 15:22

he doesn't bother to occupy her because he knows I'm there to pick up the pieces I think this is the problem. You need to make it clear to him that she has 2 parents and that its not acceptable for him to delegate all the parenting to you, it's just not fair (on you or the little one, she needs to be able to rely on her dad to take proper care of her)