to really miss my first child since my second was born and to blame dp?

[MamaSmurf99]

Dd1 is 5 and from my previous marriage. Dd2 is 18 months and with dp. I love them both hugely and when it is me and one or both of them we're very happy. But when dp finishes work I'll have to wash up while entertaining dd2 while he gets to sit and chat in peace with dd1 - something I'd love to be able, but very rarely am able, to do. Then I play or read with dd2 despite the fact I've done this all day. Of course I like that dp and dd1 get on well but she's always asking if I can do x, y, z with her and I can't because of dd2. IMO dp should be spending time with dd2 after a catch up with dd1 and I should get some time with dd1 alone.

He has his children from his previous marriage on weekends he's off so there's no option for dd1 and I to have alone time then as he feels it isn't fair to have dd2 there as he sees his other kids less often so he should be able to focus on them - he doesn't get that that's completely hypocritical as I never get to spend time alone with my dd1. Aibu to feel resentful towards him about this?

[MadameJosephine]

he doesn't bother to occupy her because he knows I'm there to pick up the pieces I think this is the problem. You need to make it clear to him that she has 2 parents and that its not acceptable for him to delegate all the parenting to you, it's just not fair (on you or the little one, she needs to be able to rely on her dad to take proper care of her)

[LadyInDisguise]

And I would make clear that if you agree that that the next hour is for you to spend with dd1, then you will NOT desk with the crying etc... And stick to it yourself! If he can do when you're not in, he can do it when you are busy Ruth something else!
Btw has he ever spend some time with his dcs when they were little or is he expect 'mum' to always do the childcare side of things?

[LadyInDisguise]

Btw why is that that he doesn't dd2 with him when dsc are visiting? I mean I can see why he might want to have some time with them wo her but surely she is their sister too so he might want to allow done time with all the dcs together too?
That would then give you some time on a one to one basis with dd1. And would allow them to bond together too.

[DescribeTheRuckus]

it means I'm always there too to look after her Why? Why can't your DP spend some time with ALL his children while you spend time with DD1?? Presumably, he could spend a few hours with DD2 and his other DC while you and DD1 go off and do something nice together?

[MamaSmurf99]

No, Madame, it means I'm always there too to look afterher. He has had dd2 on his own when he's had annual leave, I've had work to do and dd1 is at her dad's.

She's excited to see him when he finishes work - I think it's just that he doesn't bother to occupy her because he knows I'm there to pick up the pieces (eventually, even if I spend time with dd1 first) if she gets upset. Either that or he sticks her in front of the tv, which she isn't actually interested in, and plays on his phone bewildered at why she starts crying.

[MadameJosephine]

I don't understand why he can't take dd2 with him when he has his other dc, does that mean they never get to see their little sister?

[LadyInDisguise]

OP I first read your title and though 'what the heck? How on earth can her DP to blame for her having less time for dc1 after the birth if dc2?
Then I read your post and I actually agree. Your DP has to step up. I agree with other posters saying that he doesn't look after his dd the right way when you are around. Maybe he finds it easier with dd1 as she is older and therefore needs less input?

I eod ask HIM what can be done pointing out to him that your dd1 needs one to one attention as much as his own dcs. Therefore what does he propose so you can have done time with dd1 undisturbed? I can not believe that there is never a time when he can be with dd2 and you dd1 wo WWIII starting in the house. Either you need to leave the house, even if to go down the road do you aren't to far away. Or he finds a way to be with dd2 wo so much problem. Especially if he can do that when you aren't there. (When does it happen btw and why? Could that be a time for you and dd1)

[Shelby2010]

Do you spend much time with the 4 of you together? Work out DD2's favourite activity (eg building blocks) and make this something only DP does with her. Stay in the room but focus on DD1, get DD2 to start finding DP more fun & at the same time maybe some gentle coaching so DP is better at distracting her. Same if you're out, it's DP's job to push her on the swings for example.

Also lots of references to DP during the day, even if its means saving a stick she's collected to 'show' daddy when he gets home & 'hurray! Daddy's home' to create a bit of excitement when he arrives. Make sure he is cued to respond appropriately!

No idea if this will work, but at least it's something positive you can try.

[arethereanyleftatall]

My 3 year old started getting herself in to such a state when she didn't get her own way, that she had a massive coughing fit, perhaps with a little bit of throw up.
I completely ignored her.
she came to me ten mins later, said sorry, and then has never done that again.

[DescribeTheRuckus]

Agree with eightandthreequarters if he is allowing her to get bored, then he is not attending to her...he needs to find things to entertain her (not try and do it with one eye on the television, newspaper, whatever else he's doing while he's with her).

[eightandthreequarters]

So maybe it's that your DH needs to up his game with DD2. You two need to make a plan to give you and DD1 some alone-time in the evenings.

You will take DD1 and will go into your room, or her room, upstairs to play a game or read or whatever. He will stay downstairs with DD2. You will not attend to DD2 no matter what, screaming, pooing, etc. He will deal with it. He will learn how to make it better. The important thing here is that you WILL NOT COME DOWNSTAIRS until the set period of time is over. Keep doing this consistently every night, and DD2 will eventually settle.

He should make a plan of what he intends to do with DD2 during this time. Bath? (I realise that may put him upstairs...) Reading? Singing? Playdough?

[DescribeTheRuckus]

You want time in the evenings with DD1. Then you have to face the fact that DD2 will get upset, cry, poo, etc...AND LET HER FATHER DEAL WITH IT! It is unpleasant to hear, but HE is as much her parent as you are, so he needs to figure this out!

[MamaSmurf99]

Washing up isn't an issue! I was trying to demonstrate that dp gets alone time with dd1 and I am always with dd2, whether washing up or not.

TheGreatHunt - I haven't tried to stop cold turkey. She has her own bed in her own room and in dd1s room and doesn't have poor sleep - she sleeps fine with me. I'm not necessarily in a hurry to stop co-sleeping, I like it and dd2 is almost at an age where I think she'll happily transfer to her bed so I don't want to rush and spoil it. It's the evenings where I want time with dd1, bedtime isn't really the issue.

[Limakilobravo]

Can the washing up not wait til morning if it's such an issue??

[TheGreatHunt]

You don't stop cosleeping by going cold turkey. I've coslept with both and still have periods where I end up in their room (they share).

Have you ruled out reasons for poor sleep?

Have you tried the two sharing?

I would stop by having her in a bed and sleeping next to her. Then work back from there.

[MamaSmurf99]

Treacle I don't jump in at all, ever.

For those of you saying stop co-sleeping, how do you suggest I do this when she gets hysterical and is sick or poos because she's so distraught? Its a constant cycle of her screaming, being sick, getting changed, screaming, pooing, getting changed etc.

I have spoken to him. He says she's fine when it's just the two of them but not if I'm in the house. If dd1 and I are upstairs reading quietly I don't see that dd2 realises where we are and gets upset.

[Nomorepeppapig]

Could you take DD1 out for ice cream or something tonight just the 2 of you?

[TheGreatHunt]

Maybe the evenings are not the time to expect this. Or you spend time with both kids for a bit (I have two DC and work so rare to get moments with just one or the other until the weekend).

You sound like you resent your do because he does the easier child.

Why not try and break free from cosleeping in the evenings so you can have a little bit of time say at bedtime with your eldest? Or have them both share a room so bedtime can be stories with both. As my youngest gets older I can read stories with both then the youngest messes around with toys then I read with my eldest.

[Treaclepot]

I think you need to look at your relationship with DD2, I bet everytime yr Dh does anything with her you jump in because he is doing it 'wrong' so he has given up.

And as for the co sleeping/tantruming child, you need to ignore it or accept that yur DD2 is going to take over from DD1.
she has worked out of she gets in a real state she gets her own way so either you stop it, which will involve y being tough on DD2 or you accept that your priority is letting DD2 get what she wants snd that this more important than you spending time with your DD.

Also why the hell cant yr dh wash up with dd2?

[arethereanyleftatall]

The answer is blindingly obvious. If you want to spend time with dd1, then your dp needs to spend time with dd2.
No one is going to have a solution if you come back with stuff like 'she will cry' 'she will wake if I wash up'. Tough luck. Dd2 is ruling your roost and I would say that is despeately unfair on your dd1.
A toddler should not cry if left with Dad, or put to bed by Dad, sort those problems out if you want to spend time with dd1.
Also, you have chosen to.cosleep with dd1 for an hour where most families would be spending time with older child. That's your choice.

[monkeymamma]

Op you are getting a bit of stick here but I can sympathise. I only have one dc but like your youngest he will only let me put him to bed, this has been the case since he was about 17 months. He is 2. I love putting him to bed but would also like a night off sometimes. But he gets hysterical if dh (who he adores) is even in the room at bedtime. I also know 100% what you mean when you say you can wash up and entertain toddler but dh can't! All I can say us it will get easier within the next few months, now that my ds has discovered duplo, jigsaws, cars etc he will let me wash up etc and I reckon I'd now manage some 121 with an older child if I had one as dh could distract him more easily. Also have you considered cbeebies? Do you have a garden? All these things will help distract dd2 and give you some space to be with dd1 in time.

In answer to your op yanbu to want more time with dd and yanbu to want your dh to step up and help wean dd2 off you a bit. But I know that's not easy especially where dh is working lots so you may need to be patient with him. Yanbu to feel frustrated though.

[formerbabe]

None of what you describe sounds unusual to me...most people with more than one child have to juggle.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Is dp living with you yet?

[Bloodyteenagers]

What's wrong with him washing up? Being on call shouldn't affect that.
If he that useless or you live in the stone ages where washing up, along with other chores are woman's work, then do it when the dcs are asleep.
CLOSE.doors and the youngest won't hear any noise.

What would happen if you was rushed into hospital in an emergency? He would have to do the routine and more. It's about time that he bickering his ideas and be more of a hands on parent instead of the wet blanket he currently is.

[WilsonFrickett]

I don't believe a bowl of washing up would wake an 18 month old child either. Surely the DC is in their bed/your bed and the washing up is in the kitchen?