to wonder if I am expecting too much from an au pair?

[splasheeny]

We have one dd, 3 years old.

We need an au pair to get her ready in the morning, take her to nursery (10 minute walk), then pick her up, give her dinner and play with her till we get home.

Dd goes to preschool during school hours, and we are usually out of the house from 7.30am till 6/7pm. We ask for very little in terms of housework.

Our new au pair is leaving us after a week as she can't cope.

Dd is sensitive to change, so to be fair her behaviour has been worse the past week, but I was hoping the au pair would try a bit longer before giving up. We have had a good handover period and provided lots of support.

What do you think is reasonable to expect from an au pair?

[splasheeny]

Toad I am not working '12 hour days for a bit of extra cash' how unbelievably ignorant and offensive. I work normal hours, with an average commute to work, in a career where part time work is nearly impossible. Really you should just roll your neck in.

[QuestQueCest]

Some 3 year olds can be incredibly hard work. I can honestly say if my DD wasn't mine and I didn't love her dearly, I probably would've walked out on her when she was 3 because I couldn't cope.

[Lazyjaney]

Hours and pay are fine, so either your DD is far more of a handful than you're willing to admit OP, or she doesn't like something in your setup at home, or she has another job lined up.

Try another, if she goes too you'll know that it's something in the home situation.

[BeattieBow]

these threads always end up as attacking the OP for using an AP.

I think it is fine to use an AP for a nursery aged child - but it does depend on the ap. My last ap couldn't have looked after a toddler . My current one would be fine and in fact, if she's still around in September, she wants to have my dd when she finishes nursery at 1pm until the evening. When my ds went to nursery, I also had an au pair (who was fantastic) looking after him.

It really depends on the AP.

I think you just need to cut your losses with this AP - see if she can stay a bit longer to help you sort out childcare - but if she's made her mind up then there's no point keeping her. My last AP handed her notice in and I got a new one in a few days - i use Gumtree and am also in central london - have you tried this?


the hours are probably fine, although some au pairs won't like starting at 7.30.

[Cranky01]

Really its anyone who works 12 hours a day for a bit of extra cash. I would rather live my life and have less money, than be working all the time and too tired to enjoy my time off.

How rude, a bit of extra cash. Maybe op needs to work to pay for food or rent. Your 'bit of extra cash' is really dissmissive of the reality that many families need 2 parents to work to survive

[cory]

What is your dd's behaviour like? From your posts it seems this, and not the hours, is the AP's problem? Does she have tantrums? Does the AP have much experience?

I had a rather difficult 3yo: leaving her with an inexperienced young AP would have totally inappropriate: she needed firm handling from somebody who had seen a thing or two.

[Retropear]

I'm staggered at the throw away attitude towards APs(oh just get another one). This is a 3 year old,does she not deserve continuity or somebody half decent to look after her?


I think there should be more regulation re the use of APs,some of the provision on here sounds awful and most certainly not in the best interests of the children involved.

[Jess03]

I agree retropear, a 3 yr old needs reliable long term care.

[Retropear]

It's madness.

We as parents can't employ tried and trusted friends experienced in looking after children to care for our dc but we can pick up any old teenager with English as a second language good at playing dollies instead.

[Quinteszilla]

How old is the aupair?

Do you trust her cv and references?

[SybilRamkin]

OP, I've been an au pair before, and the hours/cash you describe are standard.

It honestly sounds like your DD's behaviour is pretty challenging - given that your au pair has plenty of experience your DD must be particularly difficult if she's not willing to even wait it out more than a week.

How do you handle it when your DD misbehaves? Do you discipline her or put it down to the consquences of change? If you aren't visibly disciplining your DD for poor behaviour, then the au pair could be understandably concerned that your DD is allowed to run riot with no consquences - that would be an immediate red flag for me with a family.

The other thought I had was - did you have a proper handover period where the au pair and you/DH were at home together (a week maybe), or did you just expect your new au pair to take over the old au pair's duties with no support from day one?

[TheScience]

You can employ a friend if you want Retropear - what makes you think you can't?

The only restrictions are that you can't operate as a childminder without registering, and if employing someone then you are subject to normal employment laws. You can employ anyone you want though.

[Retropear]

Who would want to register as a childminder though and go through all the stress of Ofsted just to look after a friend's child?

Madness that somebody you know would have to do all that but you can pick up any old AP quite freely.

[TheScience]

They don't have to register as a CM though, you could just employ them. You can pick up anyone you want as a nanny or au pair quite freely.

[SilverDragonfly1]

I don't think you can get tax credits towards your childcare if the person is not registered, which I imagine puts many mums off.

Can you get TC for an au pair?

[Retropear]

But no friend is going to want to sit in somebody else's house.

The point is it's madness that you can't just drop your dc off with a friend you know well in a house you know well but you can leave them with an unqualified teenager you don't well and can replace at a moment's notice.

[splasheeny]

Au pair is 24, solid references, experience and qualifications (graduate with relevant qualification). With her qualifications she could easily be a nanny, but wants to improve her English (or so I thought).

An au pair is certainly not childcare on the cheap. The package we offer is worth at least 250/week, that's 10/hour. The reason I wanted an au pair was for continuity, as after school nannies are known for not staying long.

Dd's behaviour is worse around change, we do of course discipline her, and it has already got better. New au pair has said so.

She is telling me she wants to go home urgently for various reasons, which I'm not really sure about the truth of. Clearly she can't cope for whatever reason.

I now have the joy of finding a replacement in less than a week.

[Poppylovescheese]

I don't think you are expecting too much. A few years ago I had au pair who did 7.30-9am and 3.30-6.30 plus full time in the holidays for which i obviously paid extra. Agree with all the others that maybe your dd is much harder work than you realise.

[Balaboosta]

Did you not consider / interview more than one person? Do you have a "second choice" up up your sleeve? It's not long since you appointed.

[splasheeny]

I did interview lots of people but I let them know after interview that we were choosing someone else so it would seem too late now to contact them again

[TeaAndALemonTart]

I don't think it would be odd. Just choose the one you liked second best and say things haven't worked out.

[Viviennemary]

You are out of the house for a long time. It doesn't sound ideal for an au pair who is supposed to live as part of the family. She is probably just too lonley in a strange country.

[foreverondiet]

Well its quite a lot of sole charge particularly if your DD's behaviour is difficult and your au pair doesn't have great english.

I think you need someone more experienced - many competent au pairs would manage this though, perhaps just bad fit. Don't think anyone's fault.