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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if I am expecting too much from an au pair?

87 replies

splasheeny · 10/03/2014 17:14

We have one dd, 3 years old.

We need an au pair to get her ready in the morning, take her to nursery (10 minute walk), then pick her up, give her dinner and play with her till we get home.

Dd goes to preschool during school hours, and we are usually out of the house from 7.30am till 6/7pm. We ask for very little in terms of housework.

Our new au pair is leaving us after a week as she can't cope.

Dd is sensitive to change, so to be fair her behaviour has been worse the past week, but I was hoping the au pair would try a bit longer before giving up. We have had a good handover period and provided lots of support.

What do you think is reasonable to expect from an au pair?

OP posts:
NoodleOodle · 10/03/2014 19:35

When I was a child we had an au pair who did similar hours but looking after three children, rather than one, so I don't think what you're asking is unreasonable. I agree with above suggestions that it is just that THIS au pair and your family don't 'fit', rather than the workload specifically being a problem.

NoodleOodle · 10/03/2014 19:38

Although, in agreement with TheScience, when we had an au pair we were young but school aged.

What exactly is the difference between a nanny and an au pair? Perhaps because your DC is under school age a nanny would be more appropriate?

TheScience · 10/03/2014 19:45

A nanny is usually someone with a qualification or some experience of childcare who is employed to do a job and is paid around £8-£12 an hour, whereas an au pair is a young person on a cultural exchange/here to learn English who lives as a family member and helps with babysitting and chores in exchange for room, board and pocket money.

Burren · 10/03/2014 19:55

Surely she needs to give a longer notice period - that she's walking out suggests someone with a less than professional approach...?

If you can't find an au pair to suit, try a childminder who offers wraparound hours? The excellent childminder who looks after my toddler has several children who came to her at 7.30 am, she drops them to school, picks them up at 3 and looks after them till their parents finish work. (It works well for me, because my son and a couple of other small children just go to her during school hours when the schoolchildren aren't there.)

TheScience · 10/03/2014 20:05

Au pairs aren't professionals Grin

OddFodd · 10/03/2014 20:17

No I don't think only SAHPs should use APs but I do think sole charge of a 3 year old until bedtime which includes 2 meals and getting dressed is quite a big ask of a young person.

You might be able to find a nanny share? I have a friend whose nanny does 3-7pm every day and shares her with someone else where she works 9-3.

Paintyfingers · 10/03/2014 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NearTheWindymill · 10/03/2014 20:44

Hmm I'm on the fence to be honest. We had au-pairs from when the DC were about 6.5/10 until they were 11.5/15. I always did the mornings because that was my agreement with the DC when I went back to work full time although the au-pairs did the occasional morning.

The au-pairs role was to keep the dc's bedrooms tidy, iron, cook tea for the children and do the dishwasher. Our au-pair was expected to be on duty from 3.30 until 6.30 every day - it was a bit longer; sometimes shorter; sometimes a breeze if both children were out; sometimes quite hard work if they had their own tea guests and clubs to dovetail.

We were zone two London and the au-pair had a large bedroom and her own bathroom. We paid the going rate for London, gave them a UK phone and £5pw credit on it. They also received supermarket deliveries and put away, etc. They had a language class twice a week, helped more in the school holidays and were paid extra, and a flight home at Christmas. If they did good work in the first term I paid for the 2nd and 3rd terms for their English lessons.

We had one disaster and ended the contract pretty quickly.

That's how it worked for us. To be perfectly honest as quite a seasoned au-pair mum although it's behind us now - I really think your dd is too young for the au-pair to have sole charge if you and your husband are out from 7.30 - 7 on a daily basis. I think it would be a rare girl who could cope with that without the routine and interactions, activities and after school clubs that proper school brings.

whatever5 · 10/03/2014 20:58

I don't think that you're necessarily expecting too much but I think a lot of people would find a 7.30 a.m. start quite early if your child is only three. Perhaps if you left the house at 8 a.m. an au-pair might find it a but easier.

Artandco · 10/03/2014 21:13

I think you need a nanny

Mainly as an au pair doesn't really do ' childcare'. They generally just watch over children/ drop off/ heat up food. So generally they drop children at school (children old enough I get ready themselves), and then pick up at 3. 3-5/6pm they watch kids at home.
A nanny will provide a more stable childcare option as generally stay for years until not needed so child has someone to bond with as aren't leaving every few months/ yearly. Nanny will wake/ dress/ feed, spend afternoons at museums/ baking/ bathing/ educating.

Have you considered a nanny full time and no pre school? Or full time nursery with au pair just dropping at 8am and picking up at 5/6pm. Or full time childminder

Pannacotta · 10/03/2014 21:21

Have never had an au pair but know friends who have and I also think you need a childminder or nanny given your DD's age.
I don't think the hours are too long but your DD is very small and its prob too much for a young au pair and for your DD too.

Karoleann · 10/03/2014 21:28

I think that's a fairly standard au pair job too. Our does nursery pick ups sometimes for our almost 3 year olds. She has an amazingly long tolerance for playing dollies (much much longer than I have).
Your roles sounds like 25ish hours a week, which is pretty standard.
Has she worked with little ones before? 3year old girls are not everyone's cup of tea.
I'd just put it down to experience and get a new ap.

Original poster
splasheeny · 10/03/2014 21:36

I am paying 100/week and offering gym membership as a perk. We live in central London too so a popular place for au pair, so I think it is enough to attract the best candidates. Our last au pair was amazing, I don't know if I'm expecting too much here.

OP posts:
GreenLandsOfHome · 10/03/2014 21:41

Ot but the one thing that's struck me from this thread is I cannot understand why anyone would have an au pair.

What are the benefits? It sounds like a pita to me, and all to have an unqualified young girl in charge of your kids.

TOADfan · 10/03/2014 21:47

Feel free to ignore but this is when I become judgemental.

Why have children if you go to work before she wakes and are home at her bedtime.

Think of the poor child being raised by strangers. Every year someone new and only seeing her parents on weekends.

SeaSickSal · 10/03/2014 21:48

Has she maybe looked after older children before and can't cope with a little one?

They are quite full on at nursery age and if she's only used to 6-7 year olds who will do as they're told it might be a big difference for her.

Original poster
splasheeny · 10/03/2014 21:50

Toad you seem against working mothers full stop. That is an entirely different topic, but you will find that your views aren't shared by the majority of mumsnet.

FWIW I do see my dd every morning and evening, except on the occasional day I have to work late.

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 10/03/2014 21:51

She has lots of experience with children dd's age, including being an au pair for one previously.

OP posts:
TOADfan · 10/03/2014 22:34

Im not against working mothers and believe me its nothing against you.

Really its anyone who works 12 hours a day for a bit of extra cash. I would rather live my life and have less money, than be working all the time and too tired to enjoy my time off.

I also know this is just my opinion and most others wont agree with me. I like mumsnet because everyone does have different opinions.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/03/2014 22:39

I would just try a different one, or a childminder. In our area, home counties, cms are 5 per hour so cheaper than ap given no food or board.
You can take unpaid leave from work I think if you need to, to sort it out.

TheScience · 10/03/2014 22:46

A CM would probably charge for the whole day to keep the place though given the DD's age.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/03/2014 22:50

seriously? I thought their usp was that they charge by the hour.goodness, cms must rake it in then!

Chloerose75 · 11/03/2014 00:36

I think your job spec sounds reasonable for an ap and if in london I'm sure you can easily find a replacement, who will hopefully be better!

zipzap · 11/03/2014 00:50

Hmm. If she's off with only 3 days notice I reckon that another job has come up that she prefers more, that she took this one as it started first and she hadn't heard from the other one but now she has - she's off - and using the convenient fact that dd has been a bit challenging this week as an excuse just to walk out as fast as she can...

MiscellaneousAssortment · 11/03/2014 01:30

I think she has another job lined up too.

Just out of curiosity, is your dd tending to more difficult behaviour? It was mentioned earlier on the thread and I just wondered if that was right or wrong end of stick?

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