to wonder if I am expecting too much from an au pair?

[splasheeny]

We have one dd, 3 years old.

We need an au pair to get her ready in the morning, take her to nursery (10 minute walk), then pick her up, give her dinner and play with her till we get home.

Dd goes to preschool during school hours, and we are usually out of the house from 7.30am till 6/7pm. We ask for very little in terms of housework.

Our new au pair is leaving us after a week as she can't cope.

Dd is sensitive to change, so to be fair her behaviour has been worse the past week, but I was hoping the au pair would try a bit longer before giving up. We have had a good handover period and provided lots of support.

What do you think is reasonable to expect from an au pair?

[splasheeny]

I know our au pair was definitely going home as she asked us to print out her plane ticket. The reasons for that are up for debate.

Our new au pair is a qualified primary school teacher, and was able to come for an interview in person and meet dd. We really like her, and she will start soon.

Romina I am not averse to male au pairs but as we only have a dd we thought a female au pair would be best as she won't be phased by girly things like platting hair (dh has no idea how to do this!). Dd is also very girly and we think she will have more in common with a woman. If we have a son we would look at male au pairs.

Au pairs aren't childcare on the cheap. We want them so dd can have one to one care, be bilingual, and we also need the flexibility they bring.

I just hope our new au pair is good.

[romina]

YANBU - we've had APs since DS was 2 - huge benefits on both sides and still in touch with them all.
I agree - especially in Central London, sounds like they've found another family, who at least sounds better - she may have a nasty shock in reality.
Some people are really anti- others having any form of help - as you've seen here. We all do the best we can - you've obviously done your research - don't let people get you down.
Would you consider a male AP? Much lower maintenance in my experience and that of several friends!
Good luck with your next one.

[echt]

A gazillion years down the line for me as DD is grown up: an AP is not for pre-school children. Nannying on the cheap.

[GarthsUncle]

... Or she really does have a crisis back home ( and that's what you tell your back up candidates)

[Tryharder]

Not read all thread but 25 hours a week isn't excessive. But people on Mumsnet don't like au pairs and won't be happy until you are paying £25k pa for a nanny.

Your au pair sounds a bit wet. Find someone better. [shrugs]

[GarthsUncle]

Hmm. If she's off with only 3 days notice I reckon that another job has come up that she prefers more, that she took this one as it started first and she hadn't heard from the other one but now she has - she's off - and using the convenient fact that dd has been a bit challenging this week as an excuse just to walk out as fast as she can

I agree with this.

[splasheeny]

Prior to getting an au pair I asked her whether they are suitable for 3 year olds and everyone said yes.

If dd was just a few days older she would be starting school in September. As it happens I'm glad she isn't but she is nearly school aged.

We have found another au pair who can fortunately start soon.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Aps generally work 25hrs a week but looking after school aged children so a bit more capable and independent

At 3yrs old I feel that you need a nanny - it is a lot to ask an ap to look after a 3yr /toddler - 2yrs older and at school and makes sense to have an ap

Can you find a nanny share or maybe someone at nursery to ring dd home and look after her till you get home

[NoodleOodle]

Definitely try your second choice. If they're still looking for a job I would think they'd be more grateful at being offered a position than resentful at being second choice. Just choose your wording sensitively.

[foreverondiet]

Well its quite a lot of sole charge particularly if your DD's behaviour is difficult and your au pair doesn't have great english.

I think you need someone more experienced - many competent au pairs would manage this though, perhaps just bad fit. Don't think anyone's fault.

[Viviennemary]

You are out of the house for a long time. It doesn't sound ideal for an au pair who is supposed to live as part of the family. She is probably just too lonley in a strange country.

[TeaAndALemonTart]

I don't think it would be odd. Just choose the one you liked second best and say things haven't worked out.

[splasheeny]

I did interview lots of people but I let them know after interview that we were choosing someone else so it would seem too late now to contact them again

[Balaboosta]

Did you not consider / interview more than one person? Do you have a "second choice" up up your sleeve? It's not long since you appointed.

[Poppylovescheese]

I don't think you are expecting too much. A few years ago I had au pair who did 7.30-9am and 3.30-6.30 plus full time in the holidays for which i obviously paid extra. Agree with all the others that maybe your dd is much harder work than you realise.

[splasheeny]

Au pair is 24, solid references, experience and qualifications (graduate with relevant qualification). With her qualifications she could easily be a nanny, but wants to improve her English (or so I thought).

An au pair is certainly not childcare on the cheap. The package we offer is worth at least 250/week, that's 10/hour. The reason I wanted an au pair was for continuity, as after school nannies are known for not staying long.

Dd's behaviour is worse around change, we do of course discipline her, and it has already got better. New au pair has said so.

She is telling me she wants to go home urgently for various reasons, which I'm not really sure about the truth of. Clearly she can't cope for whatever reason.

I now have the joy of finding a replacement in less than a week.

[Retropear]

But no friend is going to want to sit in somebody else's house.

The point is it's madness that you can't just drop your dc off with a friend you know well in a house you know well but you can leave them with an unqualified teenager you don't well and can replace at a moment's notice.

[SilverDragonfly1]

I don't think you can get tax credits towards your childcare if the person is not registered, which I imagine puts many mums off.

Can you get TC for an au pair?

[TheScience]

They don't have to register as a CM though, you could just employ them. You can pick up anyone you want as a nanny or au pair quite freely.

[Retropear]

Who would want to register as a childminder though and go through all the stress of Ofsted just to look after a friend's child?

Madness that somebody you know would have to do all that but you can pick up any old AP quite freely.

[TheScience]

You can employ a friend if you want Retropear - what makes you think you can't?

The only restrictions are that you can't operate as a childminder without registering, and if employing someone then you are subject to normal employment laws. You can employ anyone you want though.

[SybilRamkin]

OP, I've been an au pair before, and the hours/cash you describe are standard.

It honestly sounds like your DD's behaviour is pretty challenging - given that your au pair has plenty of experience your DD must be particularly difficult if she's not willing to even wait it out more than a week.

How do you handle it when your DD misbehaves? Do you discipline her or put it down to the consquences of change? If you aren't visibly disciplining your DD for poor behaviour, then the au pair could be understandably concerned that your DD is allowed to run riot with no consquences - that would be an immediate red flag for me with a family.

The other thought I had was - did you have a proper handover period where the au pair and you/DH were at home together (a week maybe), or did you just expect your new au pair to take over the old au pair's duties with no support from day one?