To not understand why "friends" are abandoning a friend in need?

[runnermum1974]

My friend attempted suicide and did real serious damage to themselves.

Days after the attempt 3 of their close friends have said they are going their separate ways. They have given some reasons, but they are pretty lame - like they are not compatible, and deciding that now, after 5 years of friendship!!

I am not saying that they have to be friends or anything. But the timing is bloody awful.

I do not understand how friends can abandon a friend in need. Anyone can be a friend in the good times. The test of friendship comes in the hard times.

If anyone has a story about abandoning friendships when a friend is in a difficult place, then I will appreciate the insight.

AIBU to think it is unkind to leave a friend in need?

I think that's a fair point about stigma, Silly.

It is hard. I agree about the stigma about mental health issues. It is awful. It is not someone's fault for getting ill.

The person who walks away for their own reasons is also not at fault

Thing is, you can't cure a severe mental illness by 'being there'. All that happens is you burn yourself out.
Mind you, OP, it isn't actually clear (and I appreciate that you may not be able to clarify this or may not want to) whether this friend is suffering from MH issues or is an attention-seeking twat. Drama llamas sometimes do themselves damage with
'suicide attempts' out of stupidity and incompetence rather than genuine wish to die.
No one is obliged to provide unpaid psychiatric care, which they are not qualified to do anyway, to other people indefinitely: professionals get time away from the situation as well as payment and they actually know what to do and what not to do.

OP - I see you think your friend is the priority in your life right now, but your other friends, do they have DCs and DPs? Because they might rightly, have decided that their DPs and DCs should be their priorities - and if supporting your friend means they can't be a good parent/good partner, then it's perfectly reasonable to say "I can't do this and that." It could well be the suicide attempt has made them realise how much need your friend has (not 'needy' but level of need).

It's possible the level of your friend's MH problems wasn't clear to them before, and they've realised this is something massively outside of their abilities or time.

I also agree it makes sense to walk now if you've taken that decision, rather than lie to HCP that they'll be their for her, but knowing they won't be there long term, which is what she needs.

OP - please don't be blinded by determination to be a 'better person' - please think carefully before you commit to being there for her, particularly as in the short term, she's going to need even more support than before and has 3 less people for that support to be spread between. You need to think about what other commitments you have in your life - if you have a DP, have a serious conversation about how much time you can afford to give to your friend, how much 'slack' aorund the house they can take up, if you have a FT job, it might be worth having a chat with your boss and explain the situation (you might get called away, you might need to be avialable to talk to her over the phone over night so not be on 'top form' the following day etc).

Realistically, if you can't be there for her, it's worth having that converstaion now, even if it'll be hurtful.

Inspired by this thread, I called Mum to let her know how grateful I am that she got me through a lot of stuff. She thinks it wasn't her, but has sent thank you flowers to somebody else. That person was pleased, but told Mum she was just doing her job, and gave credit to the psychiatrist. On my last appointment, he expressed his gratitude to my therapist. She's already said she couldn't have treated me without him getting the drugs sorted first.

The thing is, three of these are professional, well trained people. And they needed a team.

Also, some (not all, obviously) MH problems make a person obnoxious. If the sick friend is behaving abusively ie insulting the others, it may not be her 'fault' but they may not want to put up with it - and, again, there's no reason why they should.

I had a friend whose illness was basically a circle, her other friends ran when they realised that I would look after her, one even said "run and don't look back".

Turns out that they were right, I was only required as a friend when she was on a downward turn, when she felt better I was side-lined and off she went with her new "friends". I would spend months rebuilding and making her feel better only to be left tired and almost broken when she went away.

In the end I walked, my health was bad, I was emotionally fucked and she didn't care as she was off having fun.

Much as posters may consider me evil, harsh, nasty or many other things in the end I had to put myself first as no-one else would.

Yes, many suicide attempts are just people craving attention. My close family member has done it to me a few times, phoning me and threatening to overdose.
I don't believe her any more, the last time she did it her daughter, who lives a couple of hundred miles away, called the police and ambulance. The hospital didn't even keep her overnight as they realised she was no danger to herself. It was just an idle threat, I long to just walk away from all the shit she puts us through but I can't.

Looking through the fog - how lovely to see your post. Sounds like you had a good team and joined up thinking

Justmyview, I consider myself very, very lucky!

That was a good thing to do lookingthroughthefog, what a good team / DM!

I am the eldest daughter of a mother who was the 'last friend/relative standing' on more occasions than I can count throughout my childhood.

She meant well, but her inability to walk away from a situation, ever, put the four of us, and my father, through hell, and taught us from a very early age that our needs were less important than those of someone else who appealed to her guardian angel impulses. Our needs came last, behind those of any waif and stray, including people who walked all over us because she could not draw a line and be seen as the bad guy.

It became clear to me as an adult that her desire to 'help' came, not from a position of strength and generosity, but from rock bottom self-esteem and the idea that only deeply unfortunate people could want her in their lives. She has no interest in happy, fulfilled people, collects hard luck stories, tragedies and misfortunes, and -sadly - has not a genuine friend in the world.

As a result, I respect the decision of those who do draw a line when demands become too much. This may not be the case with your friends, but no one, however close a friend, can or should be expected to help beyond their capacities. This does not invalidate the friendship.

I think you throw the word 'love' around too lightly, and are hung up on self-sacrifice in friendship. Good on you for staying around to help, but let it be your decision, and stop harping on your friends' different choices. Perhaps they are fair weather friends. Yes. Or perhaps they are just wrung out from the situation, or tired of having the lives of their families compromised by the suicidal friend. Either way, forget about them. ''True love' is not an exam they failed and you have passed.

I couldn't agree with Burren more.

Getting all self-righteous and standing in judgement of others will not make any difference to your friend. It may alienate you from others though. I find all the references to "love" and how "some people" don't know about love and you suddenly do, slightly OTT.

You don't know why they walked away. It may be due to stigma, lack of care or being "fairweather friends". It might not be. Friendship should not be to the point of overwhelming you or damaging your family/personal relationships/work. Sometimes you have to put yourself or your family (especially if they have DC) first.

You have made your decision, they've made theirs. If you're happy with your decision, get on with living your life and helping your friend- and stop bleating on about how you "love" your friend more than the others do as though you've won some competition.

My ex DP, left me the same day as my suicide attempt, i had PND and he was cheating, i overdosed and he dropped me home from the hospital, packed and left, leaving me with an 18 month old baby.

Some people just dont have the emotional capacity, to give that kind of attention.

I understand how upset you are OP, have you tried talking to these friend about it? Their perspective may be very different to yours. Many people have made good points making it clear just why said friends may have needed to walk away and distance themselves now, I suggest that you do read them and remember-however much you want to be a good friend- that you can't put your friend first to the detriment of
you and yours.

A good friend of mine ended up having a breakdown because she was that 'friend that just had to stay'. All the others walked away or distanced themselves eventually due to the emotional manipulation and how much they were put upon. They tried very hard to establish boundaries and keep the friendships but he was just too much for them all and didn't hear or wouldn't listen to the boundaries. My friend held on til the bitter end, she ended up extremely ill and suffered a breakdown. When told by her DP that my friend was very unwell and unable to talk to him a time later, he went ballistic- screamed at her DP, threatened all kinds against himself and it was just enough. My friend heard the call and she pretty much collapsed in on herself and her own doctor said she needed to cut her friend off until she got back on her feet.

If I hadn't known the things my friend went through I may have thought yadnbu about your friends and that people were shit but I know what my friend went through and she got the worst end of it. Though her friends that walked also didn't go unscathed- they had more self preservation then my friend but they also felt hurt, sadness, guilt alongside the relief. One ended up with severe anxiety due to it, you wouldn't have known at the time but she did.

And in regards to people not walking when someone is sick of looking on issues in the same light, that's not true at all. One friend's DP walked when she had cancer. He became a right bastard saying she'd ruined and stolen years of his life in which he became a carer for her most of the time. Completely his choice to stay and then again to walk, he was a real cock when it finally ended. She understands his leaving because their relationship changed so much and they changed so much and he couldn't cope, but the nastiness was really shitty.

She's heard many a story about DPs/DHs/DW and parents and kids distancing themselves and sometimes even cutting off when someone gets long term ill. Thankfully she's completely fine now and her now DP is absolutely lovely, I wouldn't have many worries if it came back when she was with him- well I hope not anyhow.

Do you have DCs, OP?

What will you do if their needs clash with your friend's?

My order of priority starts with my kids, followed by my husband and then everyone else on a sliding scale.

Be careful in your 'rescuer' role.

I feel the same as this.
CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Mar-14 08:25:06

YABU not to understand. Friendship can't solve everything, people have problems of their own, and sometimes for simple reasons of self-preservation it's important to create distance. That's going to sound harsh but I have seen a lot of people dragged down, marriages fail, and all kinds of other problems caused when someone else's problems start to become all-consuming. The person with the mental health problems needs professional care.

MusicalEndorphins and CogitoErgoSometimes

If the person with mental health issues needs professional care - but that professional care is not available because of the NHS cuts etc - then what? Just leave them to rot and die? You sound like lovely people.

So, if/when you or someone close to you gets seriously ill, you will totally understand people close to you running away and not looking back? Seriously doubt it.

There is a lot to be said for 'treat others as you would want to be treated yourself.'

Aside from the fact that your friend needs support, have these other 'friends' actually announced that they don't want to be friends any more? And if so, are they 8?

Tbh your friend with the problems doesn't need people like that in her life really. I do get that sometimes others have so much of their own crap going on that they need to distance themselves for their own mental health, but to proclaim not to want to be friends any more is just awful.

They did announce they were stopping being friends, and by letter (that I handed to my friend, not knowing what they had collectively written). These women are 40 years old and we had all been friends since university.

That makes it even worse. What an absolute shower of shits.

I hope they get theirs in shedloads.