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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To not understand why "friends" are abandoning a friend in need?

163 replies

runnermum1974 · 09/03/2014 22:04

My friend attempted suicide and did real serious damage to themselves.

Days after the attempt 3 of their close friends have said they are going their separate ways. They have given some reasons, but they are pretty lame - like they are not compatible, and deciding that now, after 5 years of friendship!!

I am not saying that they have to be friends or anything. But the timing is bloody awful.

I do not understand how friends can abandon a friend in need. Anyone can be a friend in the good times. The test of friendship comes in the hard times.

If anyone has a story about abandoning friendships when a friend is in a difficult place, then I will appreciate the insight.

AIBU to think it is unkind to leave a friend in need?

OP posts:
mrsjay · 10/03/2014 10:00

your poor friend heatbreaking she has got to this point ,I do think these friends instantly dumping the friend were really insensitive to do it just after but perhaps they feel they can't cope with her I know she is ill but she is not their responsibility I do feel for you though seems they have all jumped shipped and left you unsupported, be kind to yourself though this friend is ill you can't make her better,

Oldraver · 10/03/2014 10:13

OP I think you have answered all your own questions yourself really.

Your friend is needy and drama ridden which is exhausting to those who spend time supporting them often at the expense of their own mental health. Who supports your other friends ? Does your suicidal friend ever give back or is it all take take take ?

IMO people in this position are often incredibly selfish and self absorbed, I know this is part of the illness. I have only ever had one friend say... "Thank you for helping me get thought this" others are just on the merry go round of taking and draining people then convieniently forgetting all about the support they receive (while being convinced they are all alone) until the next time.

I think this is why people walk away, as they often get to the stage where they just cant cope with being the supporter anymore, nothing to do with being horrible people or 'not true friends'

ElleMcFearsome · 10/03/2014 10:55

And KarenBrockman I guess that a binary categorisation of 'ugly' souls and 'beautiful' souls helps you - I'd love to know how Hmm

LadyBeagleEyes · 10/03/2014 11:23

There comes a stage when you can't give any more in situations like this. I've had years of this with a very close family member, she does nothing to help herself and often gets drunk when she's on all sorts of meds, which she really shouldn't.
I talk to her of course but the sympathy has gone, she just makes me angry.
She gets professional help but lies about the drinking, she's in danger of losing her job as she takes so much sick leave but she does nothing to try and change it, she won't even meet the HCPs halfway.
I can't advise her, she always has excuses. If your friend is like this I can understand why others are backing away.

runnermum1974 · 10/03/2014 12:29

The reason I think it is bad for friends to leave a suicidal friend is that it reinforces the suicidal person's feelings of low-self-esteem and that the world is better without them. It is kind of saying to the suicidal person 'You are right - no one wants you around'.

I am staying around because I care and love my friend from the bottom of my heart - they have had a hard life and most people would have crumbled. God I know those 3 friends would have been suicidal after what my suicidal friend has been through!

Fact is that you do not know true love until the hard times. Anyone can think they are 'loving' in good times - but it's not a real love unless they can love whole heartedly in the bad times too. I think the 3 friends loved my friend to an extent, but did not truly love them. True love is hard to find - but this whole experience has shown me just how much I love my friend. It has taught me something about love and what it is - it is not easy.

Sure, I know my suicidal friend might never get better - but I am around to make their journey slightly better, if I can, by just being there for them, because I love them. I do make sure that I put in boundaries and look after myself too.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 10/03/2014 12:31

Well there you go then.

They weren't as good and loving as you are. You are wonderful, they are not.

End of debate?

NurseyWursey · 10/03/2014 12:32

Sometimes being around a depressed and suicidal person can have such an impact on a person. When I have bad patches I wouldn't blame ANYONE for backing off.

runnermum1974 · 10/03/2014 12:36

Alis I am not trying to say I am wonderful. But just make a comment about 'love' - I think people do not have a clue what 'love' is until they are tested.

OP posts:
Dinosaursareextinct · 10/03/2014 12:37

What they have done is horrible. They could at least stay around in a limited way, or do so for a while. But they have chosen to put themselves first even though your friend is desperate. They presumably only want to be friends with someone where the friendship benefits them at all times.

LookingThroughTheFog · 10/03/2014 12:53

I do make sure that I put in boundaries and look after myself too.

So have they. It's just that their boundaries are not the same as yours.

SaucyJack · 10/03/2014 12:55

Well maybe they don't really love your friend as much as you do. But that's entirely their choice.

Just because you once worked with someone or shared halls at uni yadda yadda yadda does not mean at all that you become morally responsible for their welfare for ever more.

Nataleejah · 10/03/2014 12:56

Sounds like they were not true friends. However, having such a "needy" friend all the time is a huge emotional drain. Not everyone can cope.

JustGettingOnWithIt · 10/03/2014 12:58

I too was that loyal friend who couldn't understand why others walked at such an awful time, and was fiercly protective, so I hope you will think about what I'm saying here, because I'm trapped now, not by them, by me.

I have supported my very unwell friend, ‘B’ almost every day, for the last few years, while everyone’s fled, flounced or walked.

She suffered very real tragedy includeing two suicides, which fragmented her, but also covered up the fact she had serious prior mental health problems that 'aided' those tragedies to happen.

The last person propping her up, (who was my friend and I miss) had helped cover that up, then couldn't cope any more and killed themselves. I can't tell you how much I wished they'd just walked! B's hatred of them and determination that I (and others) must eradicate anything but negative judgement of them, has lead to B making up a lot of things to try and make it unnaceptable to miss them, and has pushed me beyond reason at times.

I'd have stuck by B anyway, but not knowing that their problems went way beyond what had recently happened, I thought I could help, because trauma is always going to make a bit of a mess of us, and other's can sometimes help lessen it, or at least give a safe space to survive it in.

Now knowing what I know, maybe in some ways I can, B's very slowly made progress, (though doesn't agree) but from a starting point of -30,
but they're deeply unhappy every day, insist it's my fault they're alive and suffering, constantly try to manipulate me, and the cost to my life has been very high, and the recipricatrion low.

B's lost all their old friends and familly after deciding if they don't accept, allow and agree with very unreasonable and often hurtful behaviour and do things exactly the way they want them done, then really they are enemies, and that's the real reason why B isn't ok.

They’ve now walked from me too because B get’s unreasonable if they think there’s any contact between me and people B’s declared the enemy and therefore to blame for B’s feelings. They warned me, but I didn’t hear it. Sad They think B will break me and they'll have to deal with it. B thinks "they're trying to take you off me." I find both views yucky.

HCP professionals say the type of problem B has, and their circumstances, is untreatable (though I read different on here!) and to call the rspca to remove the animals (that are often keeping B going) then I can apparently reasonably step away and let B kill themselves, as "it’s a case of when not if" and B will take everyone down first and drain money from the MH system. Actual words were " Treating B would be a bottomless financial pit." Sad

I know I'm being stupid and have been sneered at for it, but I’ve made the decision to try and stick it out partly because there’s also an awful lot of animals involved who will be un rehomeable, partly because I promised I would, and partly because I do actually care, and I still can’t believe that the official advice regarding someone with MH problems centring around a belief no one cares and a fear of abandonment, is to abandon them! It sucks.

But, my would be loyalty, lead to a very unhealthy situation I let develop, and I know it. I often feel trapped and guilt ridden for conflicting feelings over it all. I just wanted to keep my friends head above water, and later, get an equal friendship back, and I doubt I'll get that, so if I'm honest what's in it for me? I'm chucking part of my life away really.

Maybe I'll get let of the hook as altruistic, but I suspect the world will judge it differently.

I really really hope B gets better and has a future, and can learn to enjoy life, but you know what, if they do, I'm apologising and running, while they're well enough that I reasonably can!

What I now know is if another friend developed extreme MH problems, I would try and be there for them, and would go the extra mile, but I would lay down very strong boundaries, and if necessary walk away. I'm very loyal by nature to my friends, and never would have thought I'd say that.

Maybe those friends have been where I am now, and where you may find yourself, if you don't lay down the right boundaries while trying to be loyal. Don't judge them, wonder what it is they know, that you don't.

Nataleejah · 10/03/2014 13:00

Sounds like they were not true friends. However, having such a "needy" friend all the time is a huge emotional drain. Not everyone can cope.

kali110 · 10/03/2014 13:06

Two of my friends decided i was too much drama.i was really depressed and bereaved at the time.
Been friends for a decade. All though i still miss them and am nice when i see them with my other friends i still think bitches! Couldnt have been as good of friends as i thought. They dont deserve me. Im a good friend. They dont have many friends and have problems of their own, i would have been their for them, oh well.

balenciaga · 10/03/2014 13:14

that's disgusting of those "friends"

there are some horrible heartless fuckers in the world

I have a similar thing I was thinking of posting about (my best friend is ill and her other friends have all basically fucked off apart from me :( )

Mintyy · 10/03/2014 13:18

Yours is an amazing story JustGettingOnWithIt. You must feel trapped - I feel for you Flowers.

NurseyWursey · 10/03/2014 13:21

I honestly don't see them as disgusting. This is coming from someone like me, currently off work from having a depressive break down last week after suffering with it for 7 years.

I grew up around my mum being depressed and suicidal. It gets too much. It drags you down. It gets inside of you. Having someone rely on you emotionally is a massive responsibility. It effects your own life. It effects your own state of mind. You can't help them. They ask for more. There's nothing you can do. You feel helpless, you feel frustrated. You feel sad. Sometimes the person becomes so bad there's nothing you can do, for your own health you need to walk away.

On the flip side, when you're depressed yourself it's fucking horrific and having someone there to anchor you can be the be all and end all. Right now I'm depending on my DP. I feel so sorry for him. He's coping with the screaming, the manic phone calls, the migraines, the throwing up, and he doesn't understand yet he's stood by my side and tried to help although he can't. I wouldn't expect anyone to do this for me. Let alone my friends who have their own lives, their own children, their own jobs.

Obviously people who stand by their friends are brilliant and kind, but don't automatically judge those who can't cope with it anymore.

Dinosaursareextinct · 10/03/2014 13:26

I can understand a friend putting limits on what they will do - eg that they will phone or visit the depressed friend once or twice a week, and will not be available on other days. But to break off completely just after the friend has attempted suicide - could easily push her over the edge again.

NurseyWursey · 10/03/2014 13:34

It's not always that simple though, putting limits here and there. A depressed person sometimes doesn't know they're own limits and when they're desperate they (we) sometimes need to cry for help. It's not as simple as saying 'I'll ring you twice a week and wont be available x day'.

Nataleejah · 10/03/2014 13:36

The thing about "drama"... How to cope with a person who antagonises other people, including my DH? I really want to be there for this person, as she is a very good friend of mine, just sometimes it gets really difficult.

bibliomania · 10/03/2014 13:38

Some really eloquent posts here.

Tbh, I sympathise with people deciding that a situation is more than they can handle and backing off. I know I have rescuing/saviour tendences which are not always healthy. Sticking by someone out of genuine affection is one thing, but sticking by them because you see yourself in some heroic light potentially has its own problems.

LookingThroughTheFog · 10/03/2014 13:48

But to break off completely just after the friend has attempted suicide - could easily push her over the edge again.

I know what you're saying here, but two points;

Actually, straight after a suicide attempt is when she'll have the most professional people involved in her care. I had nurses crawling out of my ears. This is the time when those nurses need to be able to look around and say 'who's here?' so waiting until they've all gone to go too isn't actually sensible.

The second point is that suicide is self contained. The urge is within you, and yes, there may be external triggers and so forth, but the major thing to remember is that it comes from the inside.

I would hate for anyone to think that they might be responsible for another person's suicide. The illness is internal.

juneau · 10/03/2014 13:54

OP I think you're making a big assumption about how other people feel about their friends. I love some of my friends, others I'm very fond of, but when you become friends with someone you don't promise to be there for them in sickness and in health. A friendship is something you choose, not something you are obligated to continue at whatever cost - so I think you need to step back a bit and stop projecting YOUR ideas about friendship onto others. You love your friend - great, but perhaps these other friends never had such a deep bond.

springykyrie · 10/03/2014 16:02

What a valuable thread. it has taught me a lot.

Off topic slightly - but when I'm on my uppers (having a bad time), I want people to play to my strengths, be 'normal' with me, not head-cocked-to-the-side weirdness - I'm sure they mean well but it doesn't help! Sometimes you can't see anything positive even if you wrack your brains, it's good to have people being normal around you, which is grounding. When I was my illest (with PND), I frequently called a PND helpline, womanned by sufferers who are now well: I'd call, ranting and off my head, and, within moments, their calm, unfrightened (unfreaked-out) normality would have its effect and the world was normal and unthreatening again. I was amazed how quickly it had a grounding effect on me. It's something to bear in mind when you're dealing with someone who is very poorly (though of course sometimes they're too poorly to talk about eg recipes, what's for tea etc). Perhaps it's being in thrall to the awfulness (fear) that feeds the fear in the sufferer, gives it weight? Just a thought.

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