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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that dh is with a dying relative?

116 replies

Littlebitofwine · 08/03/2014 17:20

Have name changed for two reasons

1/ I expect to be told I'm the biggest cow ever

2/ this might out me under my usual name

Will keep it short and sweet, I'm ill with a throat infection and not slept right for about a week with a teething 8mo that is also chocked with the cold. Dh totally pulls his weight when it comes to sharing night wakening but with me also being Ill it's been a rough week.

I had four hours sleep last night and four the night before. I don't cope well without sleep so this could be why I'm a grumpy cow.

Dh has the most fucked up family ever! It's no secret I don't like them much, his grandad is looking likely to pass away soon. Dh has seen him four times in the last 14 years and the last time he laid into dh about how much of a dissapointment he was to him (no reason at all for this)

Dh also has a weird relationship with his mum, shit childhood that he holds a lot of resentment for but anytime she shouts jump he shouts how high!

He's been there 4 hours now after getting a call to say he had to go to the grandads house as it was near the end. One dc is down with d&v the other is still screaming with her gums and I'm ready to stick my head in the oven.

Is this really one of these situations I need to put up and shut up even given the family history or can I be pissed of?

Anyway if you made it this far well done! I feel I bit better for my rant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlebitofwine · 09/03/2014 11:10

Have had eight hours straight sleep so yes feeling like a new person today, even though I still feel like there is a hedgehog sat in my throat.

Dc also much more normal today thank god.

For everyone worried about dh not getting support from me I can assure you that's not true, I'm still pissed of especially since it looks like he's only wanted on the scene to taxi everyone around but at least he's doing the right thing and won't have any regrets down the line.

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 09/03/2014 11:16

YABU but you know that

but there is something about the impending death, knowing it can be any day or hour so that can make people act out of character I work in bereavement and it comes up again and again

we are at a loss what to do and it can be overwhelming and scary despite his situation with his family, he is needed there and they need him

rant away on here

shoppingbagsundereyes · 09/03/2014 11:31

4 hours? God I thought you were going to say he had been there for days. Do you want to phone and ask his grandad to hurry the dying up? Seems to me you've got a really good partner and you've been lucky enough to have a lot of support from him. Plenty of women cope with two dcs without a partner to help ever. I'm sure you can cope for as long as it takes for him to say goodbye to his grandad.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/03/2014 18:09

What coffeeinbed said, Dying pretty much trumps everything. Glad that you got more sleep last night, keep venting on here rather than at Dh later.

MarmaladeShatkins · 09/03/2014 18:49

YABU but you're ill and tired so don't beat yourself up.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/03/2014 19:23

I wholeheartedly agree with Northernlurker
A man (a relative if your DH) is dying.
You have a cold.
Your posts do sound self absorbed.

MarmaladeShatkins · 09/03/2014 20:04

The thing is, I'm sure that if OP's DH had a close or loving relationship with his GF, she'd put her own issues on the back-burner and not begrudge her DH spending time with his grandfather.

I do think that death makes hypocrites of us all, tbh. Relatives that haven't given a fig about you for years are suddenly elevated to demi-God status because they're about to kick the bucket. If you wouldn't go running to spend an afternoon with any given relative, just for the hell of it and because you love them, then logic says that it shouldn't be any different when it comes to their last days. But we do. I've never understood it, tbh.

coffeeinbed · 09/03/2014 20:12

I don't know.
Death is just so final.

I know, for me, I'd rather make my peace with someone, even if the relationship has been shaky.
Maybe even just for my benefit, then I won't have to wonder if i have been a bad person not to let things be, IYSWIM, and I can live in peace after that.
Is it hypocrisy?
I don't think so, but you might see it differently.
Forgiveness is for the benefit of the living.

MarmaladeShatkins · 09/03/2014 20:14

"Forgiveness is for the benefit of the living."

That's also true, coffee.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/03/2014 20:21

What family doesn't have issues?
In some ways it might be even more important for her DH to spend that time with a relative when the dynamics a tricky than if they we're like the waltons.
I don't think it's being hypocritical. He's not off making a public speech about how he has the best relationship with his family is he?
I can see why op would be feeling low. Because her dh has all this going on and because she's feeling poorly. But that does not mean that it is at all reasonable to begrudge him or his family this brief time together.
Even a teeny bit.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/03/2014 20:23

And still pissed off even after 8 hours sleep!

So what if he's driving ppl around? Good for him being a decent bloke.

TheBlinkeredHostess · 09/03/2014 20:28

What family doesn't have issues?
Indeed.

Pagwatch · 09/03/2014 20:32

I never would have understood it, until it happened to me.
My sister died last year. We hadn't spoken for ages.
When I knew she had a terminal illness I honestly thought I knew how I felt about it.
Then I got the all that she had gone into hospital and was moving straight through to the hospice.
I nearly didn't go. I knew in my head that nothing had changed but I found I had to go.

I spent a day with her. She couldn't speak, she was right at the end of life.

The thing is. The thing is that that is an astonishing, humbling process. It is painful, distressing, raw, honest, awful.
It leaves no room for the nonsense of day to day life.
It changes you.

I woud absoloutely have bet my life that knowing she was hours from death would make no difference.i was a fool.

MarmaladeShatkins · 09/03/2014 20:36

Sorry Pag. :( Flowers

justmyview · 09/03/2014 20:36

YABU but well done OP for acknowledging that. Obviously death trumps a cold and throat infection every time. Rant here, but please do be supportive of your DH. I think he comes out of this story very well. Difficult relationship with his grandfather but still wanted to be there to support him

MyBodyIsAtemplate · 09/03/2014 20:40

hope things get resolved soon.

just be there for your dh op and he will soon be there for you.

get well soon.

justmyview · 09/03/2014 20:41

pagwatch - I've seen some of your other posts re your sister. Hadn't picked up that you hadn't spoken for ages beforehand. Sorry for your loss. Hope you took some comfort from being there near the end. I supported my grandmother at the end. Was very difficult but I'm glad I was able to do it

FabBakerGirl · 09/03/2014 20:43

Flowers Pagwatch.

I am so worried I won't feel as I expect too when my "mother" dies.

Pagwatch · 09/03/2014 20:45

Oh guys - don't be sad. You are all so kind.
I'm just saying - it's one of those things you just can't anticipate.
It's very strange.i coud have bet everything I own on how I woud feel but inthe end I had to be there.
Very strange

Xx

innisglas · 09/03/2014 20:45

Gosh, it is absolute hell being sick and looking after sick children at the same time. Just hang in there, this will pass

justmyview · 09/03/2014 20:46

Fabbakergirl - I suspect none of us know how we feel until we're in that situation. What do you mean by "mother" (inverted commas)?

Viviennemary · 09/03/2014 20:46

YABU. Can't believe the selfishness of some folk. Sorry but this is just so totally self centred and out of order.

Pagwatch · 09/03/2014 20:49

Fab
I think it's just not the death of the person, its the end of any possible reconciliation or peace.
When my sister died I found myself grief stricken, mourning the relationship we could/should have had. It felt like such a waste, such a loss.
I hadn't lost her. I had lost what we should have been to each other.
It's hard.

aprilanne · 09/03/2014 20:51

really sorry but your husband should at least try to make peace with his grandfather .it will probably make him feel better .when my mum died if my hubby had said I don,t feel well .tough .you will get better soon .would have been my reply sorry

kelper · 09/03/2014 20:51

OP I feel quite sorry for you. You came on here to have a little rant about things, rather than get ranty irl, you said in your post you knew you were being U, and people are being incredibly rude to you!
You seem like a very supportive wife, who was feeling shitter than shit, but didntw ant to upset/worry her husband, so had an anonymous rant online, felt better about it, and could then continue being supportive! Can't see why you're attracting so much vitriol from some posters.
Some people just like to be cross at everyone. Wine Cake