To be pissed off that dh is with a dying relative?

[Littlebitofwine]

Have name changed for two reasons

1/ I expect to be told I'm the biggest cow ever

2/ this might out me under my usual name

Will keep it short and sweet, I'm ill with a throat infection and not slept right for about a week with a teething 8mo that is also chocked with the cold. Dh totally pulls his weight when it comes to sharing night wakening but with me also being Ill it's been a rough week.

I had four hours sleep last night and four the night before. I don't cope well without sleep so this could be why I'm a grumpy cow.

Dh has the most fucked up family ever! It's no secret I don't like them much, his grandad is looking likely to pass away soon. Dh has seen him four times in the last 14 years and the last time he laid into dh about how much of a dissapointment he was to him (no reason at all for this)

Dh also has a weird relationship with his mum, shit childhood that he holds a lot of resentment for but anytime she shouts jump he shouts how high!

He's been there 4 hours now after getting a call to say he had to go to the grandads house as it was near the end. One dc is down with d&v the other is still screaming with her gums and I'm ready to stick my head in the oven.

Is this really one of these situations I need to put up and shut up even given the family history or can I be pissed of?

Anyway if you made it this far well done! I feel I bit better for my rant.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Agree you sound in very urgent need of , rant away here safely and I hope dcs and you can get a much better night's sleep.

[CSIJanner]

Yup - YABU. Yet YANBU to rant and let steam off here because you know you are being a bit of a cow and don't want to say it to your DH. But then ill DC's, ill mum and lack of sleep will make someone feel like that.

Hope you're all on the mend soon and your DH is okay.

[shallweshop]

YANBU with regard to how you are feeling. I agree entirely that the whole death bed scenario is at odds with how the relationship has been in reality. It is hypocritical but I understand that your DH might be do

[Meepers]

I need to know how much of a twat I am being so i don't let it show later.

Huge. Absolutely massive. Get it out your system now.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

Hope you feel better soon op .

[shallweshop]

Oops - doing it for his mum. You are doing the right thing - ranting on here but letting him get on with his family duty and hopefully he will feel good for having been there.

[myroomisatip]

I am not judging either way!

I hope you have a good night and feel better tomorrow.

Shit situations happen and it is the way we deal with them that makes all the difference. Can you get any family or friends to give you a hand tomorrow?

[SybilRamkin]

OP, and - sounds like you're having an appalling time, although clearly you know YABU!

Hope you and DC feel better soon.

[Northernlurker]

I suspect there is probably some difference in the way you would describe dh's relationship with his family and the way you describe it. Quite honestly you come across as very selfish in your posts. That's not judging you. Some people are selfless and some are selfish and I think you're the latter. It probably quite suits you to have a dh who is disconnected from his family. You can't help that, it's just the way you're wired. However you do need to try and combat the worst manifestations of this - as you have done today by putting up with what you see as his unreasonable compliance with their needs.
What's actually happened is that you - a competent and functioning though tired adult has been left with too off colour young children - who love, trust and obey you whilst he sits beside a dying close relative. Seriously - who do you think had the easier day?

[MollyHooper]

Nowt wrong with moaning here, it sounds crap all round.

Grump away while he's gone.

[MollyHooper]

That's undeservedly harsh Northern.

I don't get any of that from the OP's posts.

[WreckTangle]

it is shit that this has happened on a weekend when you feel like you need support

Damn those dying relatives that can't die during the week. Selfish gits that they are.

Yabu.

[Northernlurker]

The OP asked if she HAD to put up and shut up when a relative of her dh is dying and she's got a wee sore throat and is tired. I think I've been quite measured actually.

[FustJantastic]

YABVVVU. That is all.

[coffeeinbed]

Sorry OP.

Dying pretty much trumps everything.

[LadyBeagleEyes]

You know you're being BU Op.
And suppose you were a single parent, or your DH was away in the forces or something, you'd have to do all this stuff on your own

[Littlebitofwine]

Ladybeagle- my husband is actually forces. Only been back a few months after being away 7. Have had many a time when me or the dc have been ill and he's not been around and it's never bothered me.

Yes I am selfish and bu but today has been a really shitty day, yes it's more shitty for dear old grandad on his deathbed but that's not helped me much, and my little sore throat actually feels worse than childbirth at the moment.

Anyway dh is back for a shower and kip and has bought me a new hot water bottle since mine sprung a leak last week so already things are a bit sunnier here.

Tomorrow WILL be a better (less self absorbed) day

[mrsjay]

suck it up his family might be dysfuctional but it is his family , this person will be out of your life soon dont worry about it

[SarahThane]

I've been on mumsnet before and left before and lurked. This post made me re-join.

I don't think Northern's being overly harsh - I think there's a huge dynamic around control in all family relationships.

When my mum was dying it was awful and I kind of stayed in the hospital with her and kind of didn't because it was horrible. We'd had a hard relationship in the last years but I loved her. I think she loved all her children very much but we all ended up with a difficult relationship.

My brother chose to stay away at the time he knew she was dying and gave me the reason he needed to buy a particular piece of furniture with his wife and his 5 yr old had a ballet class.

I feel angry with him now because I did it alone, but I also realise it can be difficult. But being there when someone dies is like nothing else. It is very important, in so many ways, and it takes longer to get over when there has been a difficult relationship.

So to try and answer the OP, I think you are doing exactly the best thing by being supportive.

[Northernlurker]

'My brother chose to stay away at the time he knew she was dying and gave me the reason he needed to buy a particular piece of furniture with his wife and his 5 yr old had a ballet class. ' - very common behaviour, never understandable to those who choose differently and very hard for all concerned to get past. Some people run away from death but you can't. It happens anyway.
Lots of times people aren't there when the person actually dies. I think it's pretty clear that some people wait till somebody is there for them and some people (I suspect more) wait till they are alone to go. That's different from being with the dying as they move towards to death. Everybody can do that but some people won't.

Generally I think we need to talk more about death and dying. We should all know what we think of as being a 'good' death and we should understand our responsibilities as individuals, family members and part of society in making that happen more often than not.

[NoodleOodle]

Both: you are not being unreasonable to need and want a bit of extra support when you're ill. It would be unreasonable to expect DH to not attend to a dying relative.

Not very nice set of circumstances but, as has been said, it won't last very long.

It does raise the issue of secondary support though. Other situations are bound to arise where one of you has commitments and the other needs extra help, ill or not, so once this has all passed it would be worth looking into your support structure and seeing what you can do - plan for the times when you'll need an extra pair of hands if at all possible.

[KissesBreakingWave]

At least you're being better about it than one of my exes, who assumed that my long absences were nothing to do with a dying grandmother (who nevertheless survived four months after the end of the relationship, tough old bird that she was) and everything to do with me either cheating on her or gearing up to cheat. Not unreasonable to be grumpy about his absence, only natural, but very unreasonable to give him any shite over it. It's a circumstance as unavoidable as the weather.

[kerala]

Agree with lady gardener. Reverence for unpleasant disinterested people because they happen to be related to you annoys me. Dh family tiptoed around their dreadful old grandfather who did nothing but make hurtful remarks to them (and tried to snog me once bllleuggh).

[SometimesLonely]

I think OP must feel better by now. Three cups don't like mugs; where do you put the spoon of tea and three large slices of cake last night together with what amounts to a bottle of wine (five glasses) to herself and flowers for which she had to find five vases. I hope you're more cheerful now, OP.

kerala It's not just going to see an unpleasant grandfather. What about support for those more affected eg the DH's grandmother? Only those who have been in the situation of losing a husband or wife know what it's like, however the deceased behaved.

[MrsBennetsEldest]

Suck it up Woman, and when your DH comes home I hope he gets the support and compassion he needs and not this MeMe self centered rubbish.