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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel quite guilty typing this, but I feel something needs to be said but I just do not know how

110 replies

willowash · 03/03/2014 15:28

My best friend is committing benefit fraud, she has a partner also lives with him but claims to be living with her mother as best friend is on the top of the waiting list for a house. They have 4 kids and 1 on the way, neither of them work and oldest dd has just been diagnosed with adhd. I am with my friend almost everyday we are very close so am close to her children. Her kids are lovely, really polite but obviously push boundaries as most kids do, oldest dd does have some concentration issues but is also dumped in front of the ps3 for hours at a time, I feel like my friend does nothing to help her. They are always stuck in the house despite living opposite a park, etc I have offered to help make things like a routine chart to help her dd but she is not interested. My friend is currently filling out a form for dla for her oldest, and another for herself. I'm not here to bash benefit claimants at all, I'm fully aware there are a lot of people who need them but how do I talk to my friend and make her aware of how her parenting is not helping her children. My friends other kids run riot all day long when not at school, my friend is lovely but I do believe she is wrong on so many things but I have no idea how to phase it all, she has been saying how much money she should get and will buy this an that but it's nothing for her dc. I know I probably should keep out of it all but I don't want my friend to get in trouble re benefit fraud, I can't believe the decisions she is making. I'm lucky enough to be a stay at home mum as my dc are still very young and I'm not the perfect parent but I know if one of my dc had issues I would try to help as much as possible. Sorry this is so long hopefully someone has advice for me, even if it is to keep my nose out?? it's so hard when it's someone you are close too

OP posts:
FuckyNell · 03/03/2014 15:31

You have to report her. I'd rather my taxes were spent on the needy, not the greedy.

What about you op?

Wantsunshine · 03/03/2014 15:37

I think she should be reported for benefit fraud. I doubt the additional money she is trying to claim or a bigger house will make her a good parent. Very sad for the kids.

expatinscotland · 03/03/2014 15:39

Shop her, but why be friends with someone you have so little respect for?

dashoflime · 03/03/2014 15:39

Hi OP,
Can't see how your friend is committing benefit fraud from what you've written. Do you mean that she is claiming DLA for her oldest who's been diagnosed with ADHD? I don't think this is fraud. Just because you don't consider her DD to be badly effected- doesn't mean she is wrong to make a claim. She may be turned down of course, but there is absolutely nothing wrong in applying?

You also mention that she is pretending to live with her Mum, but really lives with a partner (is that right?) But you only mention this in relation to an application for housing- not a benefit claim, so still not benefit fraud. Bit Confused.

It does seem like you disapprove of how she's parenting. You've mentioned your concerns to her and you've offered to help. That's about all you can do, I'm afraid.

manicinsomniac · 03/03/2014 15:40

I wouldn't report her. It might be the right thing to do but I couldn't report my best friend, I'd feel too guilty. It will only make things worse for her and her kids anyway.

re the parenting - all you can do is be their for her and give her gentle advice. Anything else and you're going to ruin the friendship.

honeybunny14 · 03/03/2014 15:40

Dont report your friend seriously. and this is coming from someone who does pay tax. Your friend will be caught at somepoint someone will be glad to drop her in it thats just what some people are like. I think you should advise her to stop commiting fraud thats all you can really do.

YouTheCat · 03/03/2014 15:42

So how is she being a benefit fraud as her partner isn't working either?

Also she might be entitled to dla for child. If she does get awarded anything, it won't be much.

You sound like a lovely friend Hmm who begrudges so much. Get your nose out of her business as she sounds like she has enough on her plate already.

Bornin1984 · 03/03/2014 15:44

I also don't see how she is falsly claiming? ADHD probably entitled her to something who knows?

Does her partner live with her all the time or does be stay over "x" amount of nights a week?

bluntasabullet · 03/03/2014 15:44

Don't report her. You probably don't have the full story.

HelloBoys · 03/03/2014 15:47

Suppose she gets in trouble if you shopped her?

Not quite the same but years ago I had a similar situation but with 2 friends and benefit fraud (but they were saying 1 had pretended to be someone else) - it turned out that 1 or the other friend HAD committed fraud (post office or somewhere) but they both blamed each other and then one friend blamed me - who was working (when they both weren't).

It cost 2 of them their friendship and I couldn't be friends with the 1 person who accused me wrongly of this.

If your friend finds out it's you she won't speak to you again. if she does commit it just let her get found out but not through your doing.

HelloBoys · 03/03/2014 15:49

oh and FGS don't tell her how to parent her kids. Tried that too (gentle advice when my friend was beating/spanking her kid black and blue and in front of me) and got short thrift from doing that.

Just leave her to go her own sweet way.

Binkyridesagain · 03/03/2014 15:49

From what you have written I can't see how she is commiting benefit fraud. The only benefit you have mentioned is DLA which she is only applying for, which is not fraud. As she has a child that is diagnosed with ADHD she could well be entitled to receive the money, if she does then she can decided what she spends that money on.

The rest of your thread is attacking someone for their parenting choices.

DownstairsMixUp · 03/03/2014 15:50

It doesn't sound as if you know the full story. What exactly is she claiming that she isn't entitled to?

CrapBag · 03/03/2014 15:52

If you think she is committing fraud then how can you stay friends with her? I genuinely couldn't, and as someone who claims benefits because they have and need to, I can't support people who claim them when they don't (although you don't actually make it clear what fraud she is committing). I also don't condone the lying wrt getting rehoused, which also means I couldn't stay friends with someone like this.

I have certain health problems. A friend of mine suddenly developed them after quizzing me on how they affect me and what benefits I get. She gets far more help than I ever do but I don't milk it. She admitted herself that she is very lazy and she will get others to do things for her if she can. I distanced myself as I can't be friends with someone who is dishonest in certain ways.

CrapBag · 03/03/2014 15:53

I also don't think you can comment on her parenting. Its not how I or most people I know choose to parent but you can't tell others how to do it, no matter how 'bad' you think it is. She won't thank you for it.

Wantsunshine · 03/03/2014 15:53

Putting aside the fact of the fraud. It is so sad she has all the time in the world with no pressure of work that she could be taking the kids to the park, library, loads of free activities yet doesn't bother and just sits in all day. She sounds feckless.

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 15:54

Sorry to confuse you all but they both claim benefits separately, she lives in his house but is not meant to be and claims as if living with her mother to get a house in a better area. We have been best friends since primary school, and is suppose I have lost a lot of respect for her but I still want to help even if it's just to make her realise what she's doing is really serious. But to be honest the more I think of it the more I can tell that no matter what I say she will not listen. Your all right about the dla claim but as I can see she is not helping her child in anyway what so ever it's hard for me to see. I will not report her but do worry about what will happen when they get caught, it's just hard as a parent to see it

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 03/03/2014 15:57

I wouldn't report personally but it sounds sad that she doesn't do much, you can carry on being supportive and offering help or if you really start to dislike her company then part ways if you feel strongly about it.

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 15:57

By saying they live together I mean they do 24/7 everything she owns is there and nothing but benefit letters and her car registered at her mums

OP posts:
honeybunny14 · 03/03/2014 16:00

Willowash you sound like your a good friend to her. This wont last forever though she will get caught at some point

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:01

I have mentioned to her a lot about the dc and offer to help all the time, we even take them out for the with my own dc as they are all so close. I think maybe it's time I back away now but it will be hard

OP posts:
dashoflime · 03/03/2014 16:01

willowwash The difference between their separate benefits as single people and their joint claim as a couple both out of work is approx. £30.00 per week.

Personally, I would not lose a friendship for dishonestly on this low a level. Much less cause the benefits to be stopped to a household with children.

It does sound like your friendship is at an end though- its doesn't seem like you respect her.

CrapBag · 03/03/2014 16:03

So she claims benefits for a single parent basically whilst living with her partner.

No I would not be friends with her. I hate people who do this. It fucks me off because I have to jump through hoops to get what I do and then they could take it away at any time.

I wouldn't assume it will catch up with her either. Loads of people get away with this crap all the time.

If she lives with him, why does she want somewhere else anyway? Or is she going to get a bigger place then move him in and still claim benefits as a single person?

Sorry, I would drop her and later on possibly report her. She knows bloody well what she is doing and she knows its wrong but doesn't give a shit. Angry Its people like this that is causing the government to clamp down on benefits.

YouTheCat · 03/03/2014 16:03

So would you feel comfortable knowing that you, personally, were responsible for all her benefits being frozen while she is investigated? Because that is what happens.

If she gets dla for her child it is none of your damn business (or anyone else's) how she chooses to spend that money.

RiverTam · 03/03/2014 16:04

I'm assuming that her mother could get into trouble about this too, should it come out - do you know her mum well, can you talk to her about it?

I agree with a PP - she just sounds feckless and a crap parent. Not doing anything inherently 'bad' - just low-level crap, the kind of crap that builds up over time. The fact that she has 4 children and is having yet another to me underlines that, sorry, I know that isn't a popular view on MN, but if you're failing to provide for the children you have, why have more?

The benefits thing is just a part of what is wrong with this.

You could report her or just fade out of her life, if you really don't think she'll listen or accept your help. Which is sad.

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