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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel quite guilty typing this, but I feel something needs to be said but I just do not know how

110 replies

willowash · 03/03/2014 15:28

My best friend is committing benefit fraud, she has a partner also lives with him but claims to be living with her mother as best friend is on the top of the waiting list for a house. They have 4 kids and 1 on the way, neither of them work and oldest dd has just been diagnosed with adhd. I am with my friend almost everyday we are very close so am close to her children. Her kids are lovely, really polite but obviously push boundaries as most kids do, oldest dd does have some concentration issues but is also dumped in front of the ps3 for hours at a time, I feel like my friend does nothing to help her. They are always stuck in the house despite living opposite a park, etc I have offered to help make things like a routine chart to help her dd but she is not interested. My friend is currently filling out a form for dla for her oldest, and another for herself. I'm not here to bash benefit claimants at all, I'm fully aware there are a lot of people who need them but how do I talk to my friend and make her aware of how her parenting is not helping her children. My friends other kids run riot all day long when not at school, my friend is lovely but I do believe she is wrong on so many things but I have no idea how to phase it all, she has been saying how much money she should get and will buy this an that but it's nothing for her dc. I know I probably should keep out of it all but I don't want my friend to get in trouble re benefit fraud, I can't believe the decisions she is making. I'm lucky enough to be a stay at home mum as my dc are still very young and I'm not the perfect parent but I know if one of my dc had issues I would try to help as much as possible. Sorry this is so long hopefully someone has advice for me, even if it is to keep my nose out?? it's so hard when it's someone you are close too

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 03/03/2014 16:37

You are as bad as she is if you won't report her.

You are coming across as if you would be so much better as a parent than her if your children had the same issues, but you need to see that condoning a crime is just as bad a message to send to your children as committing the fraud yourself.

And more importantly, don't you see the harm that people like this woman are doing to people with genuine need for benefits, especially disability related ones.

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:38

But wanted to try to help make her see what they are doing is wrong. Or at least make her realise how serious it is

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 03/03/2014 16:40

That's a bit strong WooWoo Shock

KittensoftPuppydog · 03/03/2014 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:42

Would you report her if it was you? I have not said I would be or am a better parent but said if my dd had adhd I would try to help like most parents would, I'm not saying I'm any better and I have tried to help but I feel bad at walking away from her and I feel bad not reporting her, I couldn't see her dc suffer if I reported them

OP posts:
CrapBag · 03/03/2014 16:44

kitten its irrelevant what is going on in the world. Hmm

OP, she knows it wrong as she is actively lying about it. She doesn't care. You pointing it out to her isn't going to make her go "oh yes, you are right, I won't do it". You will piss her off if you say anything.

dashoflime · 03/03/2014 16:44

Bloodyhell,

So they are gaining £30 by pretending to be single? (This is the difference between a personal allowance for a couple and a personal allowance for two singles)

But are also paying £30 to cover the bedroom tax in the house they are pretending not to live in.

They are gaining nothing at all from this "fraud" and their benefits are a mess.

I agree with the person up-thread who suggested getting them along to the CAB so someone professional and impartial can explain the implications of their inept "playing the system" and put them on the right course.

Since it sounds like they already have ESA appeals to deal with- you could frame it like that.

I'm leaning more and more towards not reporting btw- they don't exactly sound like master criminals.

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:45

Haha kittenssoftpuppydog thanks for your bitter advice I've not said I want to report her or can you not read? I have asked adult opinions about how or what to say, now go play with your crayons ??

OP posts:
CrapBag · 03/03/2014 16:46

Tbh, if she has an assessment coming up, I'm not sure I would report for that. I don't think bad backs get all the benefits they used to as generally, it is acknowledged that being permanently off work is not good for a bad back.

The house thing, I would struggle. I just couldn't be friends with her. Not sure about reporting, I would seriously consider it.

Ledare · 03/03/2014 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:49

That is a great idea about the cabi will talk to her about that, what they clam has nothing to do with me, I'm just worried about what happens when they are caught. Thanks again anyway I will get this post removed

OP posts:
KepekCrumbs · 03/03/2014 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 03/03/2014 16:51

She is completely and totally unreasonable to be having a fifth child when neither she nor her partner and is having to live with her mother due to having no suitable housing.

The rest I can't really comment on as I don't know the full facts. Although why anyone should need extra money to 'care' for their own child just because they have ADHD is beyond me. Especially as she doesn't work anyway so it's not as if she's having to give up an earned income to care for her, is it? Confused

MadIsTheNewNormal · 03/03/2014 16:52

sorry 'when I meant to say neither she nor her partner have a job.'

KittensoftPuppydog · 03/03/2014 16:53

Not bitter, never been in the position of your friend. Do wonder why you think you are her friend though. Haven't you got anything else to do?

YouTheCat · 03/03/2014 16:53

You have no idea of the additional costs in having a disabled child - extra bus fares to the many appointments for a start. It isn't very much money and you'd begrudge that, Mad?

nice Hmm

Ledare · 03/03/2014 16:54
Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:55

I understand that but she does nothing to help her dd so has no extra expenses

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/03/2014 16:56

Shop her already, but why hang with someone like this if you have no respect for her?

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 03/03/2014 16:56

Kepek I thought exactly the same thing! Hmm

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 03/03/2014 16:57

what they clam has nothing to do with me

Well, quite. You probably don't know anywhere near as much as you think you do about what they're claiming and why, or about all the ins and outs of their varying disabilities.

I will get this post removed

Why?

Creamycoolerwithcream · 03/03/2014 16:57

Do you know what it's like living with a child with a disability. I would stick your 'routine chart' right up your ...

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:58

Haha kitten trying to help is what friends do, maybe if you had some you would no that

OP posts:
Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:59

She was advised a routine would help by her did's teachers so I offered to help her do it, it wasn't my suggestion it was options she had to try to help her dd

OP posts:
Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 17:02

I will get it removed because I feel I'm coming across wrong, I do think what my friend is doing is wrong, and I have no idea what having a child with a disability is like but I can only comment on what I see going on. But I would love to make her realise how serious it all is as she honestly either does and does not care or thinks it will never happen to her and I'm worried it will

OP posts: