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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel quite guilty typing this, but I feel something needs to be said but I just do not know how

110 replies

willowash · 03/03/2014 15:28

My best friend is committing benefit fraud, she has a partner also lives with him but claims to be living with her mother as best friend is on the top of the waiting list for a house. They have 4 kids and 1 on the way, neither of them work and oldest dd has just been diagnosed with adhd. I am with my friend almost everyday we are very close so am close to her children. Her kids are lovely, really polite but obviously push boundaries as most kids do, oldest dd does have some concentration issues but is also dumped in front of the ps3 for hours at a time, I feel like my friend does nothing to help her. They are always stuck in the house despite living opposite a park, etc I have offered to help make things like a routine chart to help her dd but she is not interested. My friend is currently filling out a form for dla for her oldest, and another for herself. I'm not here to bash benefit claimants at all, I'm fully aware there are a lot of people who need them but how do I talk to my friend and make her aware of how her parenting is not helping her children. My friends other kids run riot all day long when not at school, my friend is lovely but I do believe she is wrong on so many things but I have no idea how to phase it all, she has been saying how much money she should get and will buy this an that but it's nothing for her dc. I know I probably should keep out of it all but I don't want my friend to get in trouble re benefit fraud, I can't believe the decisions she is making. I'm lucky enough to be a stay at home mum as my dc are still very young and I'm not the perfect parent but I know if one of my dc had issues I would try to help as much as possible. Sorry this is so long hopefully someone has advice for me, even if it is to keep my nose out?? it's so hard when it's someone you are close too

OP posts:
RiverTam · 03/03/2014 16:05

YouTheCat - the OP wouldn't be responsible, the friend would - she is the one who is fraudulently claiming. Don't pass the buck on to the OP like that!

sheriffofnottingham · 03/03/2014 16:07

Maybe suggest that because she's claiming a number of benefits she go see someone who can help make sure she is claiming the right type and amount such as the citizens advice or someone at the council. If you could phrase it in a positive way where it looks like there might be something in it for her then, you are still a helpful friend and if she's is making a fraudulent claim then a third party is probably a better person to point it out to her. Giving her the benefit of the doubt she might not know she's doing it wrong, not giving her the benefit of the doubt she needs to understand what will happen when she is found out.

YouTheCat · 03/03/2014 16:07

Yes, but her benefits would stop during the investigation whether she is doing anything wrong or not.

And we, and the OP, have no idea if that is the case.

ThatBloodyWoman · 03/03/2014 16:07

I am struggling to see how grassing her up will help her kids, and as had been said upthread, are you sure she's even claiming fraudulently?

expatinscotland · 03/03/2014 16:09

I couldn't be friends with someone who does this so would no problem grassing her.

Wantsunshine · 03/03/2014 16:10

Maybe don't bother reporting she just sounds like one of lifes losers. Hope her kids get to choose a better life.

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:10

Thank you for all your advice, they both claim dla and ESA themselves but openly say they do not need too but like their car. Reading this all back I can see how it all sounds, my friend is lovely but making stupid decisions but I'm finding it so hard to bite my tongue, it's either going to all come out my gob one day or I hold it in n hope when they get caught she is spared prison. Really don't mean to come over as a bad friend as I genuinely want to help but I suppose that's the life she's happy with so I need to keep out.

OP posts:
PlentyOfPubeGardens · 03/03/2014 16:12

I don't understand this. Presumably he's claiming as a single person so will only be getting HB on a very small place - are they not all incredibly cramped? She won't be getting HB as you can't claim it if you live with your parents. This will offset the £30-odd extra a week she's claiming as a LP by orders of magnitude. She must be saving them a fortune!

You mention she is applying for DLA for herself as well. Maybe there are reasons for what you regard as crap parenting.

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:13

That's the plan to get a council house n they all move in to that as the areas are nicer then where her boyfriends house is

OP posts:
CrapBag · 03/03/2014 16:13

"Yes, but her benefits would stop during the investigation whether she is doing anything wrong or not."

She clearly is though. She is claiming to be a single parent (by living at her mums) but she is living with her partner. If she isn't doing anything dodgy then why can't she be honest? Because she is playing the system.

I have no time for people like this and its only herself to blame if she did get shopped (by OP or anyone else). She is committing fraud so she is to blame and she should think of her kids whilst doing it.

shewhowines · 03/03/2014 16:13

It does sound as if you have outgrown her and your lives are going down separate paths.
If you think it is a friendship worth saving, then I'd say my piece openly and honestly. Perhaps starting off with small things and building up to the bigger issues. I'd be blunt though as hints have obviously not worked. If she doesn't take it well, then nothing will have been lost, as you are losing respect for her anyway. On the other hand, she may listen, and your friendship may survive.

YouTheCat · 03/03/2014 16:13

Also, it is bloody difficult to get higher rate mobility and so be eligible for a motability car.

They don't just hand them out like smarties you know? Hmm

expatinscotland · 03/03/2014 16:13

So grass her.

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:14

They live in a 3 bed as he was living with a previous partner but she left with her children so he stayed in the house

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 03/03/2014 16:14

Say it to her, then, by all means, but don't report her.

Sometimes you need to fall out with friends when there's a fundamental disagreement over our life's choices.

I suppose some frienships end there, but in my case it didn't.

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:15

She has a bad back but does not stop her day to day, I am with her most days even to days out so I know she is claiming fraudulently

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 03/03/2014 16:16

So, as he is officially on his own in a 3 bed house, he'll be paying for the extra bedrooms even if he is claiming ESA.

Sounds like they'd actually be better off claiming as a couple, or at least have the same amount of money.

CrapBag · 03/03/2014 16:17

"they both claim dla and ESA themselves but openly say they do not need too but like their car"

This alone would make me report them. Its fucking idiots like this which means people like me are being targeted by the government and retested every fucking year for something that hasn't improved in 12 years! Them go through the stress of will they award it/will they say I am fit for work every time for months at a time.

Total waste of spaces, the pair of them. Angry

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:17

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
BakeOLiteGirl · 03/03/2014 16:20

I have a bad back. Really bad. I don't need to claim for it currently. But the amount of pain and bad temper it can cause me makes things like going to parks and other things really exhausting.

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:21

Yea he pays £30 a week for the bedrooms, to be honest she has no shame in telling people what they claim they both are waiting for appeals for ESA at the moment ans she is worried she will loose her dla. I will see her later so will have a chat hopefully if I can help I will but if not then it's time I walked away for the situation. I just feel for her dc as they deserve better

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 03/03/2014 16:25

So she is already at risk of losing her benefit if she is no longer entitled to it.

Can't see the problem. She claimed while she needed it and now doesn't need it so she'll probably no longer get it. Then she'll no longer have the car anyway.

Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:26

Bakeolitegirl I do understand that but that's why I offer to help, but I have genuinely never heard her complain or seen her in pain an I'm now 34 so we have been friends for years. I am also close to her mum as my own mum died when I was 17, her mum constantly tells me my friend needs to pay more attention to her dc instead of her phone or the tv. And she is worried that she will also b in big trouble when her daughter gets caught, but I suppose in her opinion she is only doing it to help her daughter get a house in a nicer area

OP posts:
Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:28

What I mean is because off all the benefit cuts recently she is worried that will affect her, not that any benefit advisors have saiid anything to her

OP posts:
Original poster
willowash · 03/03/2014 16:36

Like I said before I couldn't report her even tho she is doing wrong I just couldnt

OP posts:
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