to think people are selfish to not go to a wedding if it's adults only?

[Birdo83]

Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right.

Space at weddings are limited what with both peoples friends and family. Are people really expecting some of the bride or grooms friends or family not to attend THEIR wedding so people's kids can take up all the seats? Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me. I'd have to have turned several of my closest friends if I'd let everyone bring all their children which I'd hate to do.

It's also worrying how many people can't seem to enjoy themselves without their kids. Ditto people who refuse to go to parties that our adults only. Very odd.

NotNew....
You have hit the nail on the

I think Debbie has given a very good explanation of why it can be difficult to attend a child free wedding.

Equally, I do not have a problem if my friend does not invite my children because she doesn't have enough space - If I can't go to the wedding we will just meet up some other time and she can show me the pictures.

It's not about not caring. Some people have tickets on themselves and assume it's all about them and their kids not being welcome.

It could be about cost

About numbers

About suitability of venue

Length of ceremony

And of course just not wanting kids.

It's not about making people feel bad. Or not making them feel welcome

I guess some pei

I just don't understand why a B&G would be considered 'selfish' for not inviting children.

It's just their choice for their day.

That argument works for people who choose not to go because their children aren't invited. It is just their choice for the day. If the bride and groom aren't 'selfish', then neither is the invitee.

Fwiw, DH and I pretty much never go to the cinema without the DC (or at least one of them). We can see 12As with DS1 (which wouldn't be suitable for DS2). And we don't go to the pub together, or to see art the DC wouldn't be able to see (although we'll happily take the kids to see 'proper art' and just make sure we spend some time doing the kids' activities elsewhere in the gallery too). We don't tend to eat out without the kids either. Look down on us if you like, but that says more about the person doing the judging and their narrow view about what people should enjoy doing than it says about us.

We don't have any ready babysitting (family all hours away) but we can afford to pay babysitters, if we want to. We don't want to, so we don't.

Do these people who can't go out without their DC's ever go to the cinema (to see anything above PG), to the pub, to see art not suitable for children, jeez, do they go to work? (Can of worms opened)

Cinema - No, haven't been since before children (but it's not my scene in any case)
Pub - only if DD comes too (and she does when we go to our caravan as most of the clubs have kids entertainment too).
Art - No (again, not my thing)
Work - Yes, I work full time, DD (8) is at school, DH is a SAHD.

I don't leave DD with babysitters so shoot me.

I also don't feel the need to be rude and sarcastic to people that do leave their DC.

Bah!

I guess some people think the world revolves around their kids. Invite me, invite my children. Stamps foot.

I'm well aware that my child is the most important thing in my life, but not anyone else's. Hence why if he's not invited to a wedding I don't take it as a personal insult. (Although I can't promise I won't kiss him a hundred times before I leave and then phone lots...).

I have been to a couple of child-free weddings. First reaction on receiving the invitation was "Oh, they don't want my precious DDs there!" Then I got over myself and the next thought was "Yey, a child free break!"

Also we purposely didn't take DDs to one wedding where they had been invited as it would have meant time out of school- but we had a nice time...

At least a couple of those weddings the venue was not at all child-friendly so we were glad they didn't come. They were cramped for space, there was a lot of standing round and talking and no disco.

NotNew, bear in mind that bobot's post in response to the argument that [paraphrasing] "the bride and groom will really miss you if you can't come to their Special Day so you are only allowed to decline the honour of attending if you give reasons in detail and the bride and groom think that they are acceptable reasons, otherwise it's fine for them to be in a huff and decide that you are selfish" -- what (I think) she is saying is that if the bride and/or groom are close friends they will know your circumstances and either (a) have the sort of wedding that you can attend, or (b) not be in the least offended if they have the sort of wedding you can't attend and so you don't; if the bride and groom aren't close enough friends to know your circumstances then they won't be that fussed if you can't come.

I have been to weddings with my children and I have been to a child free one too, and I enjoyed them all.

One friend rang me to explain that, due to space constraints at their venue, they couldn't invite children - if they'd invited all the children of the adults they were inviting, they wouldn't have been able to have quite a number of their adult friends there. I wouldn't have dreamt of condemning them, or boycotting the wedding because my precious children were not invited. Dh and I went along, and had a lovely time.

I don't know who all these B&G people are who can afford to have such a big wedding that they can invite people they don't really care about!
Mine was in a registry office that only held 50 people - I had a dreadful job deciding who to not invite because of space restrictions. I even didn't invite some faaaaamly because they were less important to me than some of my friends. I certainly didn't invite any people that I wasn't fussed about them turning up!

DP hates weddings and will happily miss any that I want to go to look after the DC. When PFB was 5 months I went to a wedding alone (and expressed in the toilets milk that was too full of champagne to be used) as it was in a hotel, very sophisticated, couple without children. When the Groom asked where DP and DC were he was upset that I'd assumed no kids and told me I should have asked! Because he was MY FRIEND. I had a great time dancing for the first time in a year.

Another friend, sophisticated evening London wedding. They didn't want the day/evening apartheid and also wanted both of us there. We took DC and sat with the only other kids invited. DP took him home for the evening where my aunty was waiting to babysit. They trusted us to organise this because they are FRIENDS.
My sister got married when I was one of the few with a child. Her MIL2B didn't want children, but was ignored. DS was 7 months old and cooed loudly at the objection part of the service. The Bride, Groom and vicar all laughed and it is part of family history. I did take him out later in the service because he was getting a bit louder. The moment everyone was out of the church my sister wanted to cuddle him and there are lots of lovely photos of the wedding party with him. However, within our family culture it is unheard of to have child-free weddings because marriage is creating a family in whatever form that takes. I may have some judgements on friend's parenting, but I cannot think of a single family member or friend who I do not trust to manage their DC's behaviour.

My BF threw herself down the Bridezilla vortex and wanted my DC ( then 6 and 3) in the wedding party although it was otherwise a childfree wedding but was VERY clear that they were get ready at home and be delivered to the venue in wedding clothes - that I paid for (I was already there as chief bridesmaid.) They were NOT to stay for the evening, but I wasn't allowed to take them home, or sit next to them at the meal. DP did that alone. The speeches didn't start until an HOUR after they were supposed to, so I had to text the babysitter under the table. The bride's officious brother told DP that he would "have to take them out", just as DP was about to. Her reasoning at the time, that DC would massively add to the expense was fair enough, and I told her she wasn't to be offended if people couldn't come. However, after the big day she said it was more so that they didn't make a noise and 'spoil' the wedding video. I have to say that nearly tipped me over the edge. I WAS THERE! Everyone was there and heard you say the vows and admired your dress that cost more than my car. Why why is the video so fucking important that you exclude the children of the people you allegedly love.
We are still friends.

I also don't feel the need to be rude and sarcastic to people that do leave their DC.

I haven't been rude or sarcastic, it was a genuine question as I cannot see for one minute how I would live my life like that. I wouldn't feel culturally or intellectually stimulated enough. But that's me. Each to their own.

piper Firstly there's 4 of them which is a problem for most people. DS2 has sensory issues and severe hypermobility. He uses a wheelchair and needs lifting which is a problem for elderly relatives although I have left him with the inlaws before in an emergency. They find him very hard work though and wouldn't look after him for us to have fun at a wedding, just in an emergency. My mum and dad are older and don't know DS2 as well. I can leave him with them for an hour or so but not for as long as a wedding.

DS4 has a cleft palate, development delay and extra fluid on his brain. He's like a 2 month old in a 9 month old's body. He can only feed from a special bottle that you squeeze to get the milk out as he can't suck. I've left him once with DH for 12 hours because I was worried about what would happen if I was really ill or something and had to leave him. It was a disaster, he hardly fed and he cried a lot. If he was like that for DH I dread to think what he'd be like with someone else.

Personally I have no issue in principle with child free weddings either. But, as with every other choice you make with a wedding, you need to accept that it may mean some people won't want to come (for all manner of reasons). It's that simple. It's patently ridiculous to decide that you should be the one to determine which reasons are acceptable and which are not.

I can't understand why anyone would want to send out a summons invitation and expect people to come even if they didn't really want to. Why would you want a bunch of mildly resentful guests? If people decline, then you can invite someone else in their place. So long as the bride and groom are there, the audience members are more or less interchangeable.

elliejjtiny I completely understand.

Well, we could only fit in 85 (? I think, it was a while ago) people and had a guest list of 100, so until the first 15 people had declined I was quite relieved when we had regrets through (much as I would have liked to have seen those people). There was probably a hard core of 15-20 people (immediate family and very close friends who I would have been gutted not to have there and would have felt wrong getting married without, but beyond that I know not everyone can be there for everything. Now it's 15 years on and I have to think hard to remember exactly who was and wasn't there, because in the grand scheme of things it was only one day and there's been a lot of other shared history with friends since then.

(Eventually IIRC we had 17 or 18 regrets so just sneaked in under the wire on numbers)

I haven't been rude or sarcastic, it was a genuine question as I cannot see for one minute how I would live my life like that. I wouldn't feel culturally or intellectually stimulated enough. But that's me. Each to their own

Me either. I adore my DS but I'm also conscious that it's important to do things without him. See friends, spend time with DH, go to weddings!

I don't do this very often as we have no childcare but if grandparents come and stay they always offer to babysit so we can go out.

And also, why do children have to be included in everything? As an adult I couldn't tell you which weddings I went to as a child.

Do some people really not exist outside their children?

Piper: some of us get too bloody much plenty of intellectual stimulation at work or from talking to our partners. And you can get cultural stimulation at home in all sorts of ways.

I'm not sure that paying £20 (plus snacks) to listen to other people crunching and rustling in a cinema is any more intellectually or culturally than watching a film at home when it becomes available to stream. The cultural stimulation to be found in most pubs I can happily live without, so I leave other people to it. You can take your kids to pretty much any art gallery in the land. Mine saw the turner prize when it was in Gateshead (we were all more interested in the art activities based on the artists' work in the children's area). Even really 'high brow' art galleries often make quite considerable efforts to make their exhibitions accessible to people of all ages. It's not in their interests to perpetuate the myth that art is not for children.

I don't know who all these B&G people are who can afford to have such a big wedding that they can invite people they don't really care about!

We has less than 20 people - but on day I was focused on DH and then celebrating and enjoying the day.

However there was huge fuss about my immediate family being able to attend - it was leaving a pet and who was stopping with it and my parents even talking about not coming unless I changed it to where they lived- so perhaps I emotionally disengaged from the guest list and focused on main event.

My mother and MIL can't remember who attended their's- and several friends who had 50 plus people few years later had trouble remembering - though I'm sure prior to wedding day it may have been very important to them.

It must be hard for someone to imagine that kind of life when you don't live it but the not leaving the children bit isn't the hardest part by a long stretch. I miss the cinema as we used to go lots but we have bought a big screen tv with the money we have saved by not going . We have done it for so long it feels normal to us now and we know lots of other people who can't leave their children either. I suppose in theory we could swap childcare favours with other parents in a similar situation (although that would only work for DS2, not DS4) but I'd rather not because that means for every time I got some DS2 time I would need to look after someone else's child who is equally or more challenging than my children as well as my own in exchange and I don't miss the cinema/pub that much!

Selfish? No, not at all. I find it odd not to go for some weird point of principle. but not selfish. When mine were small it might have been difficult to find childcare and I wouldn't have wanted to go if it meant an overnight away from them, but Id have gone if I wanted and was able to.

I hate big, traditional weddings. If someone handed me a gold-plated excuse to decline one, such as its being child-free, I'd grasp it with both hands -- and then guiltily try to find a principle to tack it on to. (Probably wouldn't even bother with that, though.)

I can trump you all. DH refused to go to a good friend (of mine)'s wedding because he was playing cricket.
I was honest, although embarrassed, with my friend and went on my own. Actually had a lovely time with her single mates.
DH's team lost

Thread still going then?

I would love to hear from waiting staff at these 'invite unlimited amount of children' weddings.

They must have nerves of steel and give Jessica Ennis a run for her money