to think people are selfish to not go to a wedding if it's adults only?

[Birdo83]

Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right.

Space at weddings are limited what with both peoples friends and family. Are people really expecting some of the bride or grooms friends or family not to attend THEIR wedding so people's kids can take up all the seats? Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me. I'd have to have turned several of my closest friends if I'd let everyone bring all their children which I'd hate to do.

It's also worrying how many people can't seem to enjoy themselves without their kids. Ditto people who refuse to go to parties that our adults only. Very odd.

But tulip do you really expect all your friends to be close with your children too? Do you not have friends that you spend time with away from the children? If not, fair enough it not what I would aspire to but each to their own. But if you do have friends like that then why on earth would they invite your children to their wedding, taking the place and budget of people they actually know?

Have I missed something, Newbeginings? I thought the point was that kids aren't being invited - not that they have to sacrifice a ballet class so they can go.

I do understand that. But my point was that all these obstacles to family leisure time that were listed ( with the exception of work) are routine events that I would consider have far less priority than a one off event like a wedding. So for example, visits from other friends, ballet classes, village events etc I would postpone/cancel any of these rather than not attend the wedding of someone I cared about. So if there were three weekends in the months where we were busy with these routine events, and I was then invited to a wedding on the 4th weekend, I would rearrange the more mundane events to allow me to go to the wedding. Rather then thinking, well with swimming club and the village BBQ and the visit from aunts Nora I just can't possibly make time for my good friends wedding!!

from a different perspective, it's a little strange that at an event that celebrates the creation of a new family, other families are told they are not welcome.

Worry - a small registry office wedding followed by lunch is my idea of a wedding, but if I was to take into consideration the children of everyone I wanted, be it 30 people and their children, I would have to arrange something bigger and pay more money.

30 people plus 3 or more DC per couple would still outnumber the adults.

No thanks.

Not at all - I did say whatever type of relationship you had with the B&G was obviously a factor.

Here's how I see it - if I was having a standard big wedding I'd invite all of my family and their kids - and I have a big family so that's a lot of space. Then my close friends and their kids. That's non negotiable.

Then the circle gets wider. If I'm asking people to travel a long way and have an overnight stay, then of course you have to consider their circumstances and make it easy for them to come - so if they have kids they need to be invited. They can choose whether or not to bring them, but I want to make it easy for them to be there. I've invited them because I care for them.

The idea is to celebrate your love for each other. It's meant to be a party, a celebration, not some magazine centre spread. Do it with fish & chips if you can't afford the four course meal & champagne reception. I think people are fooled into spending a fortune for a single day. They feel the pressure to do it and relationships with friends and family are being sacrificed because of it.

I think it only works if you have a very small family and very few friends with 1 or 2 DC each.

Or a huge wedding budget.

Chacha I agree it would be strange if every wedding was unlimited by size and budget. But given the choice between have 15 children who I hardly know at my wedding, or 15 friends that I know and love, I don't think it's really all that strange to not invite the kids.

Newbeginings, yeah I don't have a problem with that. But I haven't seen anyone argue that in this thread.

Given that something like a third of marriages will end in divorce then you arent necessarily being invited to a 'once in a lifetime' event.

We turned down a wedding invitation a while back in part because the groom was happily slagging off his first wedding (which DH had attended). We were not friends with his ex wife or anything. Just didnt fancy attending what might end up being described as 'a day from hell' in years to come.

I don't think you should have to have my children at your wedding if you don't want to. I also think I shouldn't have to leave my kids to watch you prance around in a big white frock if I don't want to. I don't think you're selfish for not inviting them and I don't think I am selfish for not coming. I wouldn't expect it and I don't want to be expected to do it or be labelled "odd" or "selfish" if I don't.

Mind you I think big weddings are a pile of outdated self indulgent twaddle anyway .

I can have fish and chips any night of the week. A slap up meal on the other hand is a luxury. Why can't I have that kind of treat when i'm getting married?

It's not about having an airbrushed audience either.

In fact, I would avoid those weddings anyway. Its definitely Bridezilla-ish.

I don't like big formal weddings in castles or very posh hotels. I can't relax - Im far too common

We live "abroad", so any wedding we are invited to involves a fair bit of expense, hassle, organisation etc.

I have to admit, I'm much more likely to try my best to attend weddings where my DC would be welcome than if they aren't invited. Even if we end up not taking the DC - just because they've been invited doesn't necessarily mean we end up taking them-it's nice to know they've been thought of.

I once had a friend who urged me to bring my toddler to her hen celebration (dinner at her house with lots of friends). I didn't bring the toddler! But I was touched at how thoughtful it was of my friend that she realised I might struggle for childcare, and that she really wanted me there. So I was determined to go, even though it as difficult to arrange.

To me a child-free invitation doesn't really say "I really care about you and want you at my wedding" so I am less likely to make a big effort.

But sparkly that's what I mean, if you devalue the meaning of someone who you care abouts wedding to just an opportunity to watch them prance around in a big frock, then really what are you teaching your children about the importance of weddings, and the importance of friendship?

Obviously if you had an invite to the wedding of someone you don't like then that would be different, I'm working on the assumption that the invite comes from someone who actually means something too you, whose happiness means something to you.

It's their wedding, therefore up to them who they invite. They are paying after all!

If you can't find child care or take offence, then that's up to you and don't attend. It's an invite, they don't have to go.

We had a child less wedding and everyone with kids came without them. I'd be happy to do the same.

'To me a child-free invitation doesn't really say "I really care about you and want you at my wedding" so I am less likely to make a big effort.'

Yup. Exactly that.

I don't think either side are being selfish. The couple getting married have the right to ask it, the people they ask have the right to say no. I completely agree that a bride is entitled to ask precisely who she wants, but if she's expecting someone with kids to go to the hassle and expense of arranging overnight childcare on top of the (often large) expense of attending a wedding, then that's as unreasonable as just expecting your kids to go.

Both sides need to accept that their priorities are not those by which all others should live.

But spooked your children if over two can't attend for free! You are expecting the bride and groom to pay for them and provide for them over and above other people in their lives who they probably know a lot better than your children.

I love weddings and enjoy seeing my friends get married . (Although some people on this thread seem to think that concept weird).

If it means that for one day DS has to spend the day with his grandparents (who no, don't live anywhere near us) then so be it. He'll have much more fun too.

DS is my priority, but my god as adults is it not acceptable that we occasionally have a day to ourselves?

If I had invited all my uncles' and aunts' children to my wedding (only those under 18), it would have been 40 extra guests. And that's relatives only. If I had started to include grown-up cousins' children or friends' children, you would have added another 30 onto the list.

So 70 extra guests. V glad none of my friends or family were as precious as some posters are here about being separated from their darling children for 2 days, as there was no way we could have afforded it.

I honestly don't WANT my dc to attach undue importance to weddings tbh.

I was married. We got married because I wanted to be as close to him as I could possibly be in all ways, I felt like I couldn't NOT marry him iyswim? The "wedding" was unimportant, it was a means to an end.

You are discussing what people say they would do on a forum regarding a hypothetical situation, not what they would actually do in a specific situation. In reality, childcare usually is an issue, and how far you are prepared to go to organise it will depend on your circumstances and how close you are to the happy couple.

Equally plenty of people sometimes can't attend weddings because of cost. There is always a play off when you organise your wedding between what you want and what is convenient for your guests. You can't please everybody, but any normal person accepts that that will mean that some people may not be able to attend.

Also, on "children at weddings" threads there is usually some other element of unreasonableness such as a last minute change that fuels the fires.