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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if you're not asked for an opinion on someone's parenting you shouldn't give one.

44 replies

MandatoryMongoose · 01/03/2014 18:03

Dh met a new colleague at work the other day, he'd not met her before because she's been on maternity leave, her DC is 3 weeks younger than ours (so nearly one).

New colleague chatted with Dh about her baby, how strictly she keeps to a routine, how she had DC in their own room at 6 weeks etc etc. Dh is not desperately interested in other people children but smiled and nodded appropriately. New colleague then asked about our routine, Dh explained we co-sleep and that I am still Bf'ing.

New colleague seemed a bit horrified and started telling Dh about how we'll never get Ds into his own room now and what would we do when he was 5 and still in our bed? Dh told her he wasn't worried about it and was pretty sure that Ds wouldn't still be in with us when he's teenager Grin . She also said she didn't know why anyone would want to Bf Hmm .

I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing the relative benefits of different styles of parenting but it feels like she was being rude and judgey.

So, aibu to think people should mind their own business?

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 01/03/2014 18:06

You know YANBU but you are being slightly UR to be bothered by this. People will always stick their nebs in. Expect it, then completely forget about it. It can only make you feel judged if you arent sure you are doing the right thing. Have confidence in your own decisions.

CSIJanner · 01/03/2014 18:06

Nope - YANBU. Did you DH tell her to stick it? In a polite professional way of course... Grin

Goldmandra · 01/03/2014 18:14

I had lots of people trying to make out that me BFing past a year was slightly distasteful and I've been picked up by CAMHS quite recently on the fact that my 10YO with diagnosed sleep problems sometimes climbs into bed with me to fall asleep.

Some people don't have the insight to realise that their way is not the only way. I also think some mothers feel threatened by others BFing long term. My DM certainly did.

Ignore and carry on. She'll probably say it to the wrong person at some point and be swiftly cut down to size.

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 01/03/2014 18:21

I know I shouldn't be bothered about other people opinions and to be honest I'm not really. I think it's just that I would never pass comment (unless it was a discussion of pro's and con's). Dh was just polite and said it works for us.

OP posts:
HighlanderMam · 01/03/2014 18:23

If you're not asked for an opinion on someone's parenting you shouldn't give one.

Amen to that.

YANBU.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 01/03/2014 18:34

Silly mare!

Commenting on a relative stranger's parenting skills within a work environment?, she's clearly going to be a nightmare and probably going to compare your children as they grow.

Can your dh avoid her?

2rebecca · 01/03/2014 20:08

People comment on all sorts of things they aren't asked for an opinion on, it's called making conversation. Why should parenting be any different? Parenting was the topic of conversation at the time, so it's not as though they were discussing cheese and she suddenly started giving parenting tips.
He doesn't have to take any notice of her or talk to her about it again.

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 01/03/2014 20:32

I think that's where I question my reasonableness. Is it just conversation? I'd happily discuss and listen to other people's views on parenting but if it's an unsolicited critical opinion then surely that's rude?

OP posts:
oakmouse · 01/03/2014 20:36

YANBU. Children do not come with serial numbers on the bottom. There's no way of knowing if you have got the same model as someone else and need to follow the same instruction manual. :)

chateauferret · 02/03/2014 22:09

Tell her that in many cultures co-sleeping is de rigeur and people who do anything else are regarded as bonkers.

Adeleh · 02/03/2014 22:12

She was rude. YANBU

definatlylosingmysanity · 02/03/2014 22:16

YANBU we still get other peoples views and opinions with out asking for them.

I always remember 2 sayings when it comes to people and parenting
different strokes for different folks and in one ear out the other

OpalQuartz · 02/03/2014 22:19

Yes, she sounds rude and irritating. I wonder if she is one of those people who can dish it out but can't take it. ie. I'm sure she wouldn't have been best pleased if your dh had been similarly horrified by how she is parenting.

stealthsquiggle · 02/03/2014 22:22

YANBU but it sounds like your DH dealt with it fine. I am sure he thinks less of her as a result of her judginess. Her loss.

fancyanotherfez · 02/03/2014 22:23

Is this your first DC? It used to drive me to distraction when I had my first. Now, I couldn't give a stuff what people say. She is an idiot. If she's not up with your child in the night, its none of her business.

fancyanotherfez · 02/03/2014 22:28

2rebecca That's not conversation. That's sticking your nose into other peoples business and being rude and judgemental. It also stinks of massive insecurity if you have to put down other peoples decisions- especially someone you barely know!

PeaceEagle · 02/03/2014 22:30

Think of it from her point of view - if you can just go with the flow, relax and your child turns out ok, then just what was the point of her working so hard to keep her baby to a routine? No wonder she was a bit horrified Wink

(Disclaimer: routines are probably easier for some parents. Not me. Also think I am supposed to say I am being "lighthearted")

Only1scoop · 02/03/2014 22:31

Sounds like she is comparing routines etc as your dc are so close in age.

Don't let it upset you though.

Tell Dh you don't want to know if she shares any further opinions....

Troglodad · 02/03/2014 22:31

YANBU.

It is also even more inappropriate because it is a woman saying that about wife/bf - it'd be hard to resist an extremely cutting response if another woman started telling me DW does not know how to mother our children - wouldn't be surprised if your DH is the same. Of course you can't usually in a work context and must generally take it in your stride if someone is a prat.

YADNBU, though.

OpalQuartz · 02/03/2014 23:57

Probably one of those people who prides herself on "saying it like it is" ie. a rude arse.

organiccarrotcake · 02/03/2014 23:59

Absolutely rude. How would she feel if your DH had replied to her initial comments by saying how sorry he was for her DC because they lost the closeness to her by not bed sharing, and how he couldn't understand a woman not wanting to breastfeed?

Because that, also, would have been absolutely out of order. So yes, she was utterly rude.

stealthsquiggle · 03/03/2014 00:52

2rebecca - "how interesting - I guess different things work for different families" = conversation. "a bit horrified and started telling Dh about how we'll never get Ds into his own room now and what would we do when he was 5 and still in our bed?" = rude, IMHO.

fideline · 03/03/2014 00:58

YANBU

AchyFox · 03/03/2014 01:00

Insecure. Smile and nod.

TheVictorian · 03/03/2014 02:37

I would discuss the merits of different methods of parenting styles that are related to what the couple may be using, but i would not try to dictate which method they should parent with.