to think if you're not asked for an opinion on someone's parenting you shouldn't give one.

[MandatoryMongoose]

Dh met a new colleague at work the other day, he'd not met her before because she's been on maternity leave, her DC is 3 weeks younger than ours (so nearly one).

New colleague chatted with Dh about her baby, how strictly she keeps to a routine, how she had DC in their own room at 6 weeks etc etc. Dh is not desperately interested in other people children but smiled and nodded appropriately. New colleague then asked about our routine, Dh explained we co-sleep and that I am still Bf'ing.

New colleague seemed a bit horrified and started telling Dh about how we'll never get Ds into his own room now and what would we do when he was 5 and still in our bed? Dh told her he wasn't worried about it and was pretty sure that Ds wouldn't still be in with us when he's teenager . She also said she didn't know why anyone would want to Bf .

I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing the relative benefits of different styles of parenting but it feels like she was being rude and judgey.

So, aibu to think people should mind their own business?

When someone found out DS slept with us (at 8 months) she immediately asked, appalled, how we had sex. I was just gobsmacked.

was a genuine question, not a joke. It was also ignored.

YANBU.

Opinions are like penises. It's fine to have one but don't go shoving it down other people's throats unasked.

Sounds like she was making conversation.

If she had said 'wow that's fantastic. Breastfeeding is amazing so well done!' I hazard a guess this thread wouldn't have been started 'cos that would have been an opinion you quite liked.

It's fine making conversation about parenting and life with young children. It's when it turns into a philosophical package with moral judgements that its a problem. A bit like getting heavy on religious or political discussion and wanting to convert others.

YANBU but it is a fact that people do it and it will continue- as in people's opinions on your school choice etc, whether you should have another child- all very rude.
The best policy is to smile, nod, say 'really' and change the subject - again and again if necessary. Never get drawn in, never explain or justify.

New colleague seemed a bit horrified and started telling Dh about how we'll never get Ds into his own room now and what would we do when he was 5 and still in our bed?

She was making unreasonable predictions based on their parenting decisions.

If she had said 'wow that's fantastic. Breastfeeding is amazing so well done!' I hazard a guess this thread wouldn't have been started 'cos that would have been an opinion you quite liked.

A thread is quite likely to have been started if she'd said something like "Wow! Your child is going to be much better attached than FF babies and will have a better immune system too! Well done!"

It's not that she was making conversation. She was expressing ridiculous judgements because they were making different parenting decisions from her own.

My stock answer to differences of opinions is that all children, and all parents, are different so it stands to reason that what's right for some might not be right for others.

Job done

It's just no-go territory for normal people.

We had friends visit us over with weekend with their 18 month old PFB. Five years ago, these people expressed reluctance at our boys staying in the "main house" of their country pile because my boys (then 4 & 7) were "rambunctious" (they were, and are).

Four years onward, they were quite sheepishly telling us how nice our boys were as they were following the toddler around the house, giving them a break so they could eat dinner AND also quite sheepish when their toddler flew into a rage about the presence of bananas in my fruit bowl (he took them out, then flew into a rage about them being on the countertop, then his mother considered hiding them, etc).

People cope with the cataclysm of having a new unformed person with inconvenient (to them) needs and wants ina range of ways, with strict routines at one end and going-with-it co-sleeping at the other end.

But ultimately these are simply processes and superficial. You have a relationship with another human being and the complex and ever changing set of interactions cannot be reduced.

Anyone who thinks they have 'it licked' enough to dish out advice are, frankly, fuckwits and may have a big shock when that child develops his or her idendity. or they are simply trying to reinforce their confidence in their decisions.

but who discusses this at work? my colleague don't know i've co-slep and tandem fed for 6 years. why would they be interested?

I agree with Goldmandra.
The woman in question sounds rude in the way she shared her opinions, and of course you have reacted more because she holds different opinions from you, but, I can't agree with this as a full statement :

If you're not asked for an opinion on someone's parenting you shouldn't give one

As it has been a life saver to me on occasion when I've been struggling with mine to have a stranger come up and just say quietly "what a great job I'm doing", or, on the rare occasion when we've eaten out and the dc have all behaved and someone has come up and said "It's lovely to see a family all out together where the children know how to behave" or now they are teens and people have come up and said "what a credit they are to me now." or "You must be so proud of them" etc. So, yes, YABU to say people shouldn't express opinions unless they have been asked for.

Rude twat.

Also, why would she discuss her parenting with a bloke she doesn't know? Very strange.

YANBU. I feel the same about people on FB or Twitter who post links to parenting articles and add their own little cryptic message. It tends to be the ones with extreme stances on either AP or Gina Ford. And you know that when they do that little post and winking emoticon they are passive aggressively judging their mates etc.

I'm now at the point where if someone offers an unsolicited opinion (oh and they do, especially total strangers) I just nod and say "well we got a puppy first to practice on, didnt kill that and amazingly have managed not kill him either."

Sheesh. Although OP, get used to it. I'm still co-sleeping and b'fding 3 years in and people think that gives them free rein to tell me how I am harming my kid etc., etc. they don't say that shit to people who put their kids in their own room from day 1 and wean them at 4 months. It just becomes water off a duck's back in the end. And the amount of times people have tried to find a way to ask if DH and I ever have sex because we share our bed with our child. Again, I just tell them that we always had an adventurous sex life.

Grrrfrrrr. YANBU YASOOOOOONBU!!!!

"If you're not asked for an opinion on someone's parenting you shouldn't give one."

unless it is serious....I mean not 'offering an opinion' or even intervention when someone is abusing a child has lead to a lot of recent horrible headlines.

We need to get more involved in serious stuff and less in the trivial.

BackForGood, affirmations are a bit different to people critiquing a parenting style different to their own though, aren't they?

I agree there needs to be intervention where something is actively bad. But that, too, is very different to parenting style conflicts. I honestly don't get why people are so agitated by difference - surely the ideal is that a parent does things in a way that makes sense for them, their kids and their family, and as long as they're loving and engaged and reasonably consistent, the kids will be just fine?

Or, you know - what EastDulwich said much better.

perfect - of course they are, that's my point. The title asked

AIBU to think if you're not asked for an opinion on someone's parenting you shouldn't give one

Well, I'd say OP is BU because actually, when they are affirmations, it can really make a {lovely} difference to your day, so I really don't want people to feel they can't ever comment on parenting unless asked, or it would mean nobody would get those affirmations.

Surely if your DH had appropriate skills he would have parried that question and not divulged any information?

Why would he Darling? We're happy with how we parent and neither of us would feel uncomfortable telling people so why would he have avoided answering.

I think it's a fair point about not expressing an opinion at all, I guess a compliment is an opinion of sorts and I have no issues with those. So, yes iabu in that way.

Fwiw Ds isn't a PFB but there's a bit of a gap between him and Dd (13.5 year gap). Dd slept with me until she was 2 and wasn't a problem to get in her own bed after that. I think I'd forgotten how stressed people get about how other parents do things. Whatever works for you us my view.

Ah, okay, sorry Backfor! Was confused there (I often forget to reread titles after reading all the comments in long threads). In that case, I agree.