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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give a birthday present?

95 replies

Miren · 01/03/2014 14:19

If my DC have been unable to attend the party?

A few weeks ago DS2 missed a party due to illness. I let the Mum know on the morning that DS was unable to make it.

After overhearing a conversation it seems there was an expectation that I would bring a present into school for the Birthday child. I haven't, and I never do.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DarlingGrace · 01/03/2014 14:21

Well, I would have given a present. It's a bit mean to accept, decline at the last moment then keep the present you presumably bought.

momb · 01/03/2014 14:23

If I'd declined the invitation then I wouldn't give a gift, but if we'd accepted and then my child couldn't make it at the last minute, I'd still give the present we'd bought.

Bowlersarm · 01/03/2014 14:24

I'd still give the present if it was our fault our child didn't go through illness or whatever.

nkf · 01/03/2014 14:24

What Momb says. I'd do that too.

Only1scoop · 01/03/2014 14:25

If you had accepted....I think you should give the gift....

Cleartheclutter · 01/03/2014 14:26

I would give the gift

Only1scoop · 01/03/2014 14:26

What conversation did you overhear re 'expectation' because that sounds a bit off regardless

Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 14:26

I'd not bought a present - I've a cupboard full with unisex cards and wrap. I'd not wrapped one or written a card though as I always leave everything to the last minute!

OP posts:
Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 14:27

It was a whole class party, if that makes a difference? 30 kids at least.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 01/03/2014 14:37

He was ill on the morning of the party and you hadn't yet bought the present?? Or you knew for a while he was ill but only informed the party mum on the day of the party? The second scenario is seriously bad form.
Yes, you should have handed over a present regardless; it's what most people would do.
I generally even buy a (smaller than usual) present for parties we know from the off we won't be around for, as a sort of thanks for the thought, but I realise that's probably a little more extreme.

Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 14:38

Only1 - I don't want to be too specific as it might out me. It was a conversation between Mum of birthday child and another Mum. They didn't know I was there.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 01/03/2014 14:39

A whole class party makes no difference at all; you'd be whining loudly enough if your child had been the only one not invited to a whole class party, wouldn't you?

Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 14:39

Flogging - two posts up Hmm

OP posts:
hippo123 · 01/03/2014 14:39

I would have given the present, she may of lost money by you not being able to go at the last minute.

nennypops · 01/03/2014 14:40

I must say, it's never occurred to me that children who haven't been able to come to my kids' parties - even if they originally accepted - should still give them presents. They haven't had any hospitality from us, and it really makes no difference to my child to get, say, 19 presents instead of 20.

Fluffalump · 01/03/2014 14:42

I think either is fine, it's nice if you give the gift but I wouldn't think bad of you if you didnt.

Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 14:42

What the actual fuck flogging?!

Nenny - that was my 'justification'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 14:44

Hippo - it was a village hall type affair. Whenever I've held one I always bank on a few no shows. Plus - the (not invited) siblings usually even the numbers out!

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 01/03/2014 14:45

wouldn't occur to me to get a present from children who hadn't been to my child's party or to give a present to a party my child hadn't attended.

If I had already wrapped a present and written a card I might give it (not sure, never actually happened to me) but, in your situation with the cupboard (nice idea btw!), no I probably wouldn't think of it.

How long ago was it? I might be embarrassed enough now, having heard the conversation, to produce a present! Unless party was over a week ago then it's too obvious.

Bowlersarm · 01/03/2014 14:45

I suppose most people (well definitely me) would have bought a present, wrapped it, and stuck a written card addressed to the birthday child to the present, by the morning of the party. If cancelling on the morning, it's just as easy to give it to the birthday child the next school day as to throw the card away and regift the present.

Especially if some expense had gone towards the child's place at the party that was now wasted.

Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 14:48

Twas a few weeks manic Smile. I have three sociable DC's and a memory like a sieve so I always stock up in the sales so I don't get caught short.

It's never occurred to me before to produce a gift if we haven't attended the party for whatever reason.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2014 14:49

Yabvvu did you not buy a birthday present for the child! You cancelled that morning, not a couple of weeks before. Don't be mean get the child a present and give it to them at school.

rookiemater · 01/03/2014 14:51

Gosh, I wouldn't mind at all if someone didn't come to the party due to sickness and didn't give DS a present, I don't think it would even register on my consciousness.

Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 14:51

Oh ffs, this is going to happen a lot, isn't it?

A RTFT to you, Aero, and to anyone else that is going to say the same thing!

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 01/03/2014 14:52

Personally it wouldn't occur to me that a child who's cancelled should bring a gift anyway; however the parents would have incurred the cost for your child so perhaps?

Did the parents give you the party bag anyway?