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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give a birthday present?

95 replies

Miren · 01/03/2014 14:19

If my DC have been unable to attend the party?

A few weeks ago DS2 missed a party due to illness. I let the Mum know on the morning that DS was unable to make it.

After overhearing a conversation it seems there was an expectation that I would bring a present into school for the Birthday child. I haven't, and I never do.

AIBU?

OP posts:
drnoitall · 01/03/2014 14:54

I would only give a present to a child on these circs if my dc actually was friends with birthday child. Why would you give a present just because.
I do not think people should expect presents especially if you didn't attend the party anyway.

Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 14:54

No, no party bag. Good point!

OP posts:
SidandAndyssextoy · 01/03/2014 14:57

Yes, I wouldn't care at all. The only possibly exception would be if the kids were good friends and the child had said something to my child about the present and I had ended up with a disappointed child. (And given that most presents given at parties from this house are a complete mystery to the child handing it over that is very unlikely!) And in that case I would realise there had been no present given but I wouldn't think much more of it, and certainly not comment on it to anyone. It sounds like rather grasping behaviour.

Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 15:00

I've never expected a present from a child that didn't attend a party. In fact a couple of times childen have attended and just brought a card, and I've not thought anything of it. In fact - I was glad. 30 presents is a lot to fit in to this house!

OP posts:
moominmarvellous · 01/03/2014 15:03

I usually buy a gift on the day of the party tbh - it has been known for us to stop at Smyths on the way there. So no, I wouldn't give a gift to a child who's party we did not attend for whatever reason and I wouldn't expect one if the situation were reversed. The presents DD receives are usually the last thing on my mind when I'm organising the party tbh!

Abbierhodes · 01/03/2014 15:03

Wow, this expectation of presents is hideous! My children are taught not to expect presents even from the children who attend their parties. If they receive them then they are very grateful.
Presents are a luxury, not an expectation!

Nandocushion · 01/03/2014 15:07

Of course YANBU. Ridiculous to expect presents from anyone, but especially non-attendees.

Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 15:12

Interesting split.

OP posts:
lljkk · 01/03/2014 15:13

ime, kids who don't turn up don't give a gift, even if it was a last minute cancellation. I think it's the done thing locally.

pancakesfortea · 01/03/2014 15:13

If I had specifically picked out a present for the child, I would give it. If I was planning to use something from the stash I might not.

As a hosting parent, I don't expect a present from anyone. My hospitality is offered unconditionally - its not a commercial transaction. Some of my kids classmates are from families which are a bit chaotic and/or don't have much money. So a fair proportion turn up to parties without gifts and that's completely fine. Even if they were well off kids with super organised parents it wouldn't occur to me to audit the present pile.

nkf · 01/03/2014 15:14

I don't think it's unreasonable not to give the present. Or reasonable to expect one. I reckon my daughter would just ask to take it in to school on Monday. Either way, it's no reason for offence or awkwardness.

pancakesfortea · 01/03/2014 15:14

X post with abbierhodes .

Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 15:15

Thank you for that refreshing post pancakes! There is hope after all. Smile

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 01/03/2014 15:31

If the birthday boy was close enough to my DS to be enquiring about his health, I undoubtedly would have been sending the present. We've had this happen to us once. The arrival of the present was totally unexpected and it emphasised just how close the boys were.

There are times when the DC will buy presents for their friends when there isn't even a party to miss.

HappyMummyOfOne · 01/03/2014 15:40

For school parties everyone tends to follow the same here, no gifts if you have to decline the invite or you send the gift in if you accept and then are not able to go. Would never dream or not sending the gift after, the parents may have had to pay for the place still or catered in advance.

Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 15:42

But the place/catering is still wasted? Or do you take gifts as payment for a place?

OP posts:
FoodieToo · 01/03/2014 15:50

Would never give a gift if my kids did not attend unless it was a very good friend.
Have only ever once received a gift from a non attender and that was a best friend of one of my kids.

Am really surprised at how many of you would give a gift if not attending.

Custardo · 01/03/2014 15:53

i can't help thinking that if it matters so fucking much, perhaps they should have fuller lives

i mean really, who gives a shit

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 01/03/2014 15:54

Would be no gift from me in this circumstances either. Unless something especially bought for one of DDs closest friends.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 01/03/2014 15:54

Would be no gift from me in this circumstances either. Unless something especially bought for one of DDs closest friends.

Abbierhodes · 01/03/2014 15:59

Custardo, you could stamp that over the whole site Grin

rookiemater · 01/03/2014 16:00

Actually on reflection, I'd like to stick my vote with what Custardo said.

Chippednailvarnish · 01/03/2014 16:02

Depends why you give birthday presents in the first place really...

Original poster
Miren · 01/03/2014 16:02

Custado - good enough for me. IANBU Grin

OP posts:
Custardo · 01/03/2014 16:07

Abbiehodes, you are so right!