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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not give a birthday present?

95 replies

Miren · 01/03/2014 14:19

If my DC have been unable to attend the party?

A few weeks ago DS2 missed a party due to illness. I let the Mum know on the morning that DS was unable to make it.

After overhearing a conversation it seems there was an expectation that I would bring a present into school for the Birthday child. I haven't, and I never do.

AIBU?

OP posts:

RafflesWay · 01/03/2014 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cookiemonster5678 · 01/03/2014 16:21

Wow some people on here are so harsh!

If id bought a present already i would have given it to them in school. I wouldn't purposely go and buy one after not attending.

The parent might lose a little money if somebody doesn't attend, but a child being ill cant be helped, and certainly doesn't mean a present MUST be bought to make up for it. Surely one or two drop outs should be expected...

Shows how materialistic the parent was to not only notice this a present didn't turn up, but moaned about it to other people! Silly woman.

YANBU.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 01/03/2014 16:36

I wouldn't have even thought of sending a present if my DC couldn't attend. Not sure if it's right or wrong but it just wouldn't cross my mind. If I was the mum of the birthday child I wouldn't have expected a belated gift. What are we talking here, another book from Book People with a packet of sweets or a few pound plastic toy?

PastPerfect · 01/03/2014 17:10

I always send a gift in if we cancel after accepting - likewise I always send in a party bags to kids who accepted but didn't come.

But I would never think less of someone who didn't. The idea that gifts are somehow payment for hospitity received is awful

takingthathometomomma · 01/03/2014 17:14

I don't think YABU. If you had already bought a present then I'd say give it to them as you'd already spent your money on it. If not, then I don't see why you would. Tbh when DD has birthday parties I don't "expect" anyone to bring a present, but it's nice if they do (and I guess it's the norm.) I wouldn't be offended if someone didn't bring one even if they came to the party let alone if they didn't.

BillyBanter · 01/03/2014 17:16

Surely there should be no expectation of a gift even if your child did attend the party. Nice to have but not necessary especially for a 30 strong party rather than 5 best mates.

23balloons · 01/03/2014 17:21

A friend ds didn't attend his party last minute notice as he was sick. I was on minimum numbers & had to pay £16 for him anyway. Didn't even get a card from the child. I didn't worry about it though got my other son to phone his friend & invite him rather than waste the place. That's life with parties I guess.

lechers · 01/03/2014 17:25

I think she's in the wrong for expecting a present, but personally I would also consider it bad manners to cancel on the day and not give a gift.

If you cancel when the invite is given, then fine. But to cancel after that, say the day or week before, then you should give the gift. By then, the host most likely will have spent money on child, whether it is a pay per child party (when I would definitely give a gift) or a hall type party, when your child would have been factored into the party costs: party bags, food, and all the other stuff like a food box etc. further, by inviting your child, it may well have deprived another child a place (some halls have user restrictions). given that, I would as a matter of politeness give a gift.

However, in the same breath, I would never expect one.

usualsuspect33 · 01/03/2014 17:26

It wouldn't occur to me to give the present if my child didn't go to the party.

Some of you live in a parallel universe to me.

NutcrackerFairy · 01/03/2014 17:59

I also agree with Custardo

Personally, it doesn't bother me if a child attends a party and doesn't bring a gift. I haven't invited them for the purpose of my DC receiving a gift, I have invited then as they are my child's friend and they will enjoy having them at their party.

I understand that some parents may not have £5 - £10 spare to buy a present, or parents may have just been too busy to get a present, whatever. I appreciate that they have made the time and effort to get their child to my DC's party and therefore I am already grateful... a gift is just a nice bonus but completely not necessary imho [children already get FAR too many presents and really won't notice anyway]

I think the birthday child's mother in this scenario was unspeakably rude and really should have a good hard look at herself.

Laura0806 · 01/03/2014 18:05

Ha ha another one agreeing with Custado. I wouldn't give who had and who hadn't bought my child a birthday gift a second thought!

GiveTwoSheets · 01/03/2014 18:11

Is it just me that hates all this party p

GiveTwoSheets · 01/03/2014 18:11

Politics

nennypops · 01/03/2014 18:13

the parents may have had to pay for the place still or catered in advance.

But surely you assume there will be a couple of no-shows anyway? Children will always be vulnerable to infections, accidents etc. The strong likelihood is that the food will be eaten by the others, or of course (if it's your party at home) the family will finish it later.

The idea that the present is a payment for being invited to the party is really quite bizarre, IMO. My dc invite children because they want their company, not for the presents they might get from them.

Goldmandra · 01/03/2014 18:21

I probably would send the present if i was cancelling late rather than declining. However, I wouldn't ever expect someone else to do that and I would never, in my wildest dreams, have a moan to another parent about that fact that it hadn't happened! How amazingly entitled!

waterrat · 01/03/2014 18:23

Absolutely horrible to see presents as 'payment' for a place at a party.

If you can't come to a party then it would be truly tragic if a parent is out there wondering where the gift is

What is wrong with people?! Present is completely unnecessary and I would be mortified if anyone was ever giving two thoughts to a present for a party they couldn't attend if I was having it.

Oblomov · 01/03/2014 18:24

Blimey!!
My children have never not attended, so this hadn't happened to me.

bootsycollins · 01/03/2014 18:39

Does the etiquette in Debretts cover this scenario?

RiverTam · 01/03/2014 18:47

what has the present to do with the cost of the party - the present isn't for the parents!

I quite often buy the present on the day of the party. I certainly wouldn't expect someone who hadn't come to a party to provide a present, regardless of when they cancelled.

I also can't be doing with whole class parties either, but that's a different thread .

MostWicked · 01/03/2014 19:55

If I already had the present, I would definitely have given it to them at school.
If I didn't have a present in, I would have got one, only if it was a close friend, if not, I probably would sort a small gift out.

If any children couldn't make it to my kids' parties because they were ill, I always got a party bag to them.

SanityClause · 01/03/2014 20:01

I would normally bring the present into school, under these circumstances.

But, I think the hosting mother was very rude to expect a present, and to discuss it with someone else.

I also agree that if a child who has accepted the invitation then can't attend at the last minute, I would still give them the party favour.

WaitMonkey · 01/03/2014 20:22

I'd still give the gift if I declined on the day due to illness. Parties are expensive, especially the pay per head places. Only fair. Though thankfully my dc have never been ill on the day of a party. A couple of people haven't been to my children's parties due to illness and we didn't receive a gift though, so what you did is fairly usual imo. Very rude of the other parent to let you know a present was expected.

greenfolder · 01/03/2014 21:07

I would prob have sent a present. Pretty certain I wouldn't have noticed if someone else didnt-never in a million years would I have commented about it.
One little girl in dd1s class declined, then her mum phoned the day before to see if she could come. I phoned to add her, twelve quid a head (had already filled her space) there was another call the following day to say she now couldn't come. Arrived home to a v nice present on door step. Found out from mum a year later that dd had been diagnosed with aspergers-hence suddenly wanting to go but then had melt down at last minute. I never mentioned it to anyone. Its nice to be nice.

Passthecake30 · 01/03/2014 21:08

I woukdt give it to a close friend if dc missed it, otherwise I wouldn't bother

splasheeny · 01/03/2014 21:17

I love how the op is arguing with the majority of posters who say that she is being unreasonable.

Op YABU, accept it!

Though they are too to mention it.

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