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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not give a birthday present?

95 replies

Miren · 01/03/2014 14:19

If my DC have been unable to attend the party?

A few weeks ago DS2 missed a party due to illness. I let the Mum know on the morning that DS was unable to make it.

After overhearing a conversation it seems there was an expectation that I would bring a present into school for the Birthday child. I haven't, and I never do.

AIBU?

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 01/03/2014 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 01/03/2014 21:22

I wouldnt, it wouldnt have occurred to me, nor would I expect a non attending child to come up with a present later.

Also, I often dont buy the card and present until we are on our way, I actually have a small pair of scissors, some sellotape and a pen in the glove box now :o, so I wouldnt have a gift to give if they didnt go.

Bogeyface · 01/03/2014 21:23

I dont get MN.

How come anyone asking for gifts in a wedding invite is grabby, but anyone who doesnt give a gift to a child who's party their own child didnt attend is tighfisted and mean?

An expectation of a gift is grabby no matter what the age or occassion imo.

ellenjames · 01/03/2014 21:27

some people are so grabby! Hope your dc is better! x

SpocksThirdEar · 01/03/2014 21:31

If I'd have bought a present I would give it, but if I hadn't I wouldn't then go and buy one after the party.

And I wouldn't be at all bothered if it happened to my child, I doubt I'd even give it a second thought.

HappyMummyOfOne · 01/03/2014 21:41

The mum was grasping i agree and i hate the expectation if a gift or wirse telling people what gift is acceptable.

However accepting and then not attending on the day is a pain for hosts. Places have already been paid for, party bags bought and fold etc. Its only polite to give the gift after.

Bogeyface · 01/03/2014 21:45

On the other hand.....there was a party held by a girl in DD's class and DD3 was the only one that went :(

When I realised she was the only one going I bought three presents, one from DD, one from DS (who was invited to stay too, he is a year below DD and the girl) and one from DD2 who had mentored her before DD2 left for senior school.

I am a soft touch for things like that!

5madthings · 01/03/2014 21:46

If it was a close friend then yes I woudld still give a gift amd if I had bought oen specifically for the party child then I would, otheriwse no. I often do what the op does and have a gift box of various bits.

It would not occur to me that my child should be given a gift by someone who was goign to attend the party and didnt, the mother is rude to be mentioning it!

AmysTiara · 01/03/2014 21:46

Yanbu. I have never thought a child who couldn't come to my kids parties should give them a present. The mum was being really rude IMO

5madthings · 01/03/2014 21:47

And re it being a pain when people drop out at the last minute, yes it is but kids get poorly, these things happen and it still doesnt obligate you to provide a gift!

WhenDoISleep · 01/03/2014 21:55

DS had his party a couple of weeks ago. One invitee cancelled the night before and one on the morning of the party due to illness - it never crossed my mind that they would give DS a present at a later date.

A third guest was unable to make it due to unforeseen circumstances - they did bring in a present but I did stress to the mum that it wasn't necessary to do so.

We have not yet been in the situation of being unable to make a party on short notice, so I am unsure of what I would do in similar circumstances - I suspect if it was a very close friend I would give the present anyway though.

The other mum was being rude and grasping IMHO.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 01/03/2014 21:57

YANBU. I can't understand some of the flack you've got on here over a token gift, it wouldn't even register with me.

And to be honest, I've bought several presents on my way to parties and wrapped them outside the venue, so there's no law about having to already have had them bought by that morning.

squoosh · 01/03/2014 23:19

Wouldn't even occur to me that people might give gifts for birthday parties they haven't attended.

flightywoman · 01/03/2014 23:20

It seems to be very grabby that someone would expect a present. We tend to invite people because we want to see them and share the day or event with them, not to pay for their invite with a doodle pad or my first sewing kit...

As far as I can remember some of our wedding guests didn't bring presents, I couldn't tell you who they were and neither do I care, I can tell you they all had a good time and so did we.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/03/2014 23:22

Yanbu!

Completely weird that the mum still expects you to provide a birthday present.

squoosh · 01/03/2014 23:24

Grabby, grabby, grabby.

defineme · 01/03/2014 23:28

If you'd already wrapped/labelled it then no harm handing it over later, but if you hadn't then absolutely not.
I cannot believe how tacky the people you overheard are. So lacking in manners to expect a gift in any situation, let alone discuss it.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 01/03/2014 23:31

Oh gosh I feel pretty bad having looked up the per head cost of the party two weeks ago where I had to decline the morning before (Sat AM for party on Sun afternoon). DD came down with hand foot & mouth on Sat AM so was contagious. I did text mum straight away, before DH was even home from the GP, with many apologies. It didn't even occur to me to send the present into school with DD, but I guess they're only 4-5yo so would have needed a note to the teacher to get it in the right bag (we don't do pick ups and I have no idea who the parents or child are!). If DD was older and it was a special friend, then I probably would have sent the gift in later.

It almost makes me feel like declining invites to expensive per head parties just in case

nennypops · 01/03/2014 23:50

Don't feel bad if you have to pull out of an expensive party. If that's what the parents choose to go for, then they have to accept the risk that some children may not make it. It's in the nature of things that children get infections etc, it's no-one's fault, and any parent who gets annoyed about it or expects any sort of payback is an idiot.

mouse26 · 02/03/2014 00:07

My DC don't have parties every birthday but when they do they dont have them to get extra presents. I don't keep tabs on who has or hasn't given them a present and I certainly wouldn't expect one if the child hadn't made it to the party, regardless of whether they had said they would come or not

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